Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

@ DG. It truly is awesome. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.. except for possibly being a park ranger.. idk why?

@JB - Slippery slope indeed.. but as much as I don't want to.. I still love my w. Until that has lessened.. there will be no r for me.

Journaling -
Well leave it up to w to put a taint on my GAL weekend. I'm not saying she does this purposefully.. just always seems to time out that way.

She sent me an email saying that she will be taking me off her health insurance as of December 1st. I wasn't surprised.. after she threatened me at mediation.. I knew it was a matter of time. Whatever her intentions or reasoning doesn't matter.. it still hurt.

I've come to realize that not being legally married combined with my love for my w and our union may mean that this outcome may be unfair to me.

One doesn't think at the age of 24 to have a document saying what we are entitled to should we dissolve our domestic partnership.

One doesn't think when co-buying a car with a spouse that if she doesn't want to give it to you.. she doesn't have to. That neither can move forward until the other concedes to it.

These are very painful lessons in life. Ones that I will never forget.

So the question is how do I move forward now protecting Val? The truth is that majority of my fears in regards to w comes true eventually.

In some ways it means that I need to move this D forward. Because I do see my w becoming more and more selfish. Please do not think I am spewing anger - it just is.. what it is. She has no problem doing whatever is necessary to look out for herself.

I think what I need to do first is to settle our savings account. If we were to split it 50/50... it would be slightly unfair to me. She took out more money for this separation than I did. She took out money for her way of life. She has even decided to try and even it out by saying that I should pay for my health insurance for the past 6 months... something that she willingly wanted to do when we separated.

But if I cut my losses now.. I don't have to worry about her coming up with other reasons that I can't legally combat. Not cashing a check because she thinks I should help pay for divorce costs. Who knows what she will come up with.

So I lose a couple thousand dollars.. it's better than risking the whole thing. I can build a new life with what I have.

I just want it to be done. I want to stop waiting for the bombs to drop. Stop being surprised when she does something.. even though I know it's going to happen. Stop living in fear that because I'm not legally protected.. she will take it all.

I want to stop living in fear of her. I want to move on from her.

If I just have my savings and she takes both cars and all of our stuff. I will survive. God has proven for the past 7 months that he will take of me. Financially.. emotionally.. if I can learn to rest in my faith.. there won't be any fear.

It's just stuff and not worth the stress and craziness that continues to run through my body. Having her in my life repeatidly showing me how little she cares.. is not worth it.

Does this mean I'm done.. I think so. I think I have to be. I can take back what control I can and continue to live for me.

I wanted it to be this big step.. me putting my foot down and fighting for what is fair financially. Maybe it's time to see what is fair for me emotionally.. and I think putting this behind me is.

God wants us to love, but he doesn't want us to be a doormat. He doesn't want us to put ourselves in situations where we are hurt and people treat us badly.

This is not meant to come off as saying I don't love my w or that I don't want my marriage to work... but I need to take care of myself.. and I've been trying to keep her there and manage expectations and not close the door..

.. but I need to. I need to or I will walk away with nothing. I need to or I will truly lose myself in this process.