Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[In_Shock]

jb, even though I've had the bad experience with the church.... Please pray for me. I'm still not sure if it actually helps, but I know it doesn't hurt. And I do still believe there MUST be something bigger than us out there. There MUSt be a plan.

This all may lead me back to some deeper spirituality. I've seen it happen all over this board. I'm open minded at least. just keep me in your prayers. This is wearing on me at the moment.... like i said, I'm just soooooo tired.....
(emotionally, mentally and physically).

Thanks!!!!!!!

couple things. IS, a close friend of mine called me Thursday for the first time in years. Arranged to have lunch while I was in my hometown. He died the next day while I was there.

I tell you this b/c of the nature of our conversation. It was NOT a typical thing for him to call me or to leave a voicemessage saying he "loves me" and would "talk to me later", etc. The content of the conversation was mostly about how badly he felt about his life, which amazed me.

He beat cancer when we were teens, has had a long term marriage and 2 kids. Still plays the guitar better than anyone i have ever known...BUT he said he was "supposed to be a rock star by now" (to which I replied, "I was supposed to be President"; we adapt).

Point is, he saw his life so weirdly and thru such a negative lens.

When I heard he died, I literally thought he'd taken his life. But he had a heart attack and yet somehow knew to reach out to me and imo, sensed his pending death. The whole conversation supports this sense, and it was NOT typical for us...

so yeah, I think there's something greater than us that we OFTEN shut our eyes to...miracles abound.


WOW....I was worried about you. I had posted several times asking if anyone knew where you were.... I am SO SO SO sorry to hear about your friend. WOW. There is nothing i can say but I am sorry to hear this. ((((((((hugs)))))))

You are on your journey and so is your w. For NOW, you're not on the same one though there is a parallel with s4.

Be there for him. See if she'd move out AND give you sufficient visitation. it's coming at some point, unless she turns this around and you being in her way (and in your own) is not helping.

YES YES YES. I agree totally and completely.
Have you considered meds for the blurting out? I'm sincerely asking. No shame in it.

I actually do have anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds right now. Mostly working, sometimes my mouth is just a pain --- a loud, repetitive pain. Honestly, I'm doing better than I have at some points. Depends on the day. Depends on the time of day.... blah blah blah.....

Yes, I am about to the point where i will.....almost.......welcome......her moving out. We NEED the separation, regardless. I cannot sit here and know where she is (with OW) etc.... watch her text for hours, etc.... I'm totally not superhuman. Hel@, I need the space for me at this point. But damn it, I still want my M to heal. These are the things that cause my obsessions...... my little dude.... I don't want his world rocked and upset. I'd walk through fire for my son... so I'm DBing my best....but my insides are so sad.

She spent most of today with OW-- I really think she resents having to spend ANY time with me. She is out at Halloween party tonight.... I'm assuming with OW.

Oh interesting last night... we went to S's halloween party at his preschool. She texted the WHOLE f'in time....poor taste at least, right??? I did say "W, must you do that while we are out with OUR son????" She ignored that....

Well, I made the mistake of asking her what the box in the backseat of her car was....I had no idea.... and didn't want the answer I got. Shouldn't ask ANYTHING.......it was a gift sent by OW to W's workplace... great. I told her i do NOT want to hear about OW in ANY context. Please do not mention her to me. I told W OW does NOT exist in my universe..... W said, rather callously...."good luck with that..."

I acted the rest of the night, after I set that 'boundary' as if everythign was GREAT. I talked to everyone at the party. I was a real social butterfly...*remember, I am SHY!!! a real 180 and not an easy one!!!! ** while W stood around and texted, I was actually involved in S's party. It was fun. Most importantly S enjoyed himself!!!!

I accidentally noticed today she has a picture of OW as her background on her phone. YUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

I've got to do some work.