A few interesting developments have come up in the past few hours. Just as soon as I wrote the last post H came home and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. Stupidly, I agreed. Of course, I poked, prodded and asked questions several times. He stayed mostly quiet, but he did answer me. He then asked me to go with him to get the kids snowsuits. I guess he felt that he needed my opinion. I know I'm supposed to be going dark, but I haven't even moved into the other room yet. But I have to be honest with myself. Being nice and loving hasn't been that much help yet.
The rest of the afternoon went smoothly enough. He dropped me and the kids off at the front of each store that we visited because it was raining. Asked me what I thought about the snowsuits that he picked out - I told him that it was up to him. Got the kids some food, came home and then he patted me on the back and said, "See you later."
While we were driving home I asked him a question about the kids' furniture and he asked if I was moving into the other room. I said yes and he got quiet and agitated. I do not understand why this man wants to live as a couple, sleep together, take our kids out together but still have the freedom to do what he wants. But then again, I'm not a cake eater.
Right now, I'm trying to order the most comfortable air mattress that money can buy. I figure it'll probably take me a little while to get settled, but I want to move into my own space as soon as possible. Over the summer I wrote him a letter - not an apology letter, but I didn't know better then. I assumed that he had just read it and threw it out, but I found it today while I was looking for my earrings. I read it again, and its we're both back at the same place. I don't feel as bad as I did then, but I still feel pretty stupid for believing that he would just stop lying overnight.
For him, the letter must have hit home. I think that he wants to be viewed as the good guy no matter what. Even though his morals are skewed at best, he wants to be my friend. Tell me about his day, call me during work. It isn't about the kids, this is him needing to be connected to someone. But I also know that he makes similar phone calls to other women.
I'm not sure what will come of this, but I also realized that we have never been 'apart' for any real period of time in over 7 years. Even when he moved out for a few months, he was over every single day for hours on end. This time, I believe that he won't get the picture until I am completely inaccessible unless it pertains to the kids. And that won't happen until I move out of the house. I'm thinking this might happen sooner than later, considering that he just landed a better paying job. Maybe one of his 'women' wants to move in and help him cover the bills.
I just know that I have to maintain my resolve and not believe any of his lies. I'm sure he'll be extra sweet and nice to me in the hopes that I'll sleep with him. I might just get a regular full sized bed instead of the air mattress. I can just see it now - him trying to talk me into moving back into 'our' room because 'sleeping on an air mattress just doesn't make sense.' Yeah, none of this makes any sense.
After I put the kids to bed I'll be able to get some work done. My plans are to be in my new room by Wednesday or Thursday at the latest. Might go back to the couch in the meantime. Boy, this is really exhausting.
