A Bklyn tale

[BklynMom]

MY STORY: Early May my husband and I are looking at houses to buy. One day while I am out looking I bump into a mutual friend. She tells me she is getting a divorce. I tell my husband this when I get home since I know there is some unspoken tension in our relationship I thought her struggles could open up a conversation. He says “Baby that will never happen to us” and gives me a big hug. The following weekend we see a house that we bid on and attend a yoga conference together. At the yoga conference we get into a fight and it was strange because my husband completely shut down. Totally shut down & I felt very confused. Two days later he told me to pull the bid for the house. That night he came home and ILYBNILWY said he wanted to leave our apartment for a month. I didn’t know what was going on, I told him he couldn’t leave, that if he left the door may not be open for him to come home. BIG MISTAKE. He stayed on the couch but the flip was switched and he was gone from the relationship. He was grumpy and zombie- like, not himself at all. Also drinking excessively. Mid July he moved out. There is a possible OW he has denied it and no positive evidence. He has been living a few blocks away but took a temporary job in Atlanta till Christmas. He comes back to bklyn every other week to see our girls.

BACKGROUND: d1,d3, married 2007, together since 2002. My h definitely pursued me initially I was 4yrs older and I thought of him as too young for me especially for something serious. H is reliable, great dad, captain of the football team type of guy. Non-verbal. I am hot tempered and have anxiety issues. I constantly told H what to do. We rarely fought b/c H would disengage whenever I got angry. I would have panic attack; freak-outs and he would always tell me it was okay that I was crazy - that he loved me. He says it is these freak-outs that have caused him to leave. He was walking on eggshells and has been unhappy for a long time. He doesn’t know who is, that I emasculated him & took him for granted.

NOW: I have been well behaved since May & have been seriously DBing since Labor Day weekend. I have had one backslide shortly after Labor Day. It has been helpful that H is in Atlanta working and I only have to deal with him every other weekend for pick-ups & drop offs. I have been very prepared for these encounters, have handled myself very well and looked good. We talk on occasion when he calls the girls and I always sound happy.

DBing/GAL: Yoga, running (ran ½ marathon in Sept), ALANON meetings, IC 2xW (AD) really helping with anxiety & anger, going out every other Saturday night when he has the kids. Spending more money cause husband thinks I am too cheap. I do about 60% of my GALing for me 40% cause I want him back.

POSITIVE SIGNS: He deposits pay checks into our joint account, hasn’t served me with divorce papers although he has threatened, wont tell our d3 that he has moved out instead tells her he has two apartments b/c of work.

CURRENT PROBLEMS: I can detach and have detached but need to show my husband more love and show him the new ways I can communicate - doing this seems impossible. He has hurt me very deeply and it is very scary being loving towards him when many of his words are still so mean. ILYBNILWY came out of no where I was not expecting this at all, I feel betrayed “why didn’t he say something before it was simply too late???
Second issue, I am trying to put myself out there more and meet new people & develop closer friendship with people in the neighborhood but I find it very hard to be honest about my current sitch. I want to be able to say to acquaintances something like “My husband it not living with us now, we needed some time apart to work on some issues” but instead I just pretend everything is aok. Close friends and close family know of the sitch but they are less apart of my daily life then neighbors.
Third, I want to believe so bad that he is going to come home, it is so hard to except that he may not. It is too devastating to think about.

I LOVE THIS BOARD and reading other peoples sitch has already help me so much. Thanks for letting me share mine.