25 - hoping for your response to the above. Loving your last response, and still needing to read through your others.
So do you think my instincts are correct to move back in with my parents (not the best Rs going on there, and my mother isn't the most open to it, but I honestly don't know what else to do right now).
I keep getting confused like WHO IS HE TO MAKE ME HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOME! And yet, unless I land a majorly huge project in the next month, I can't afford this home.
So he's not making me do anything. But part of me is all "I can do this!" And the other part of me is all "stop. You need rest. You need to focus on stability and get out of crises mode."
And then the big big big fear is this:
I couldn't get my needs met in this R. And now that I'm no longer in this R, what if he forever tried to control my life by being difficult, making it hard for me to travel with D, taking me to court over holidays and overnights. Bleh. I feel like as long as I know him, I'm imprison or at his mercy (big time fear) I can't get over that right now and I'm crying as I write it. Crap. I don't want my D to pick up on the fact that I'm scared of him controlling my life. I love her and I'm so grateful for her, but I don't want a life of connection to this person and his toxicity. Or ... behavior. IDK. If I want so much to be away from him, how can I imagine letting my D be around him? (I'm not saying I won't, it just irks me badly.)
I'll admit some of the most amazing stuff is happening at work. I'm renovating my whole business, marketing in new ways, have a lot of people very excited about my ideas, and it all dovetails with coaching and the training. And I'm like Wowsa - this is big. But it's going to take time to set in motion. And with sleep and help with childcare, I rock at doing it.
I don't know why, but I said this I think - I suspect D will sleep at my parents. The dynamic will shift. I'll feel safer and not so uneasy, and she'll know my parents are there and won't be on guard all night lying on top of me with her eyes open. And I can have the pressure off to work on her sleep stuff.
So I'm writing this, Sounds good! I guess I'll try to find a sitter to cover the times you spend with D. SitterABC isn't always available, but she charges $15 per hour. And we can look into a night nurse or sleep doula for the overnights.
Lila... Two things about worry... First, it rarely turns out as bad as we thunkmit will. Could he tie you up in court? Sure. Will he? Think of the time, money, and effort ittakes to do that. What in him makes you think he has that kind of initiative? From what you've written I don't see this guy with tons of drive and endless money for legal battles.
Second, worrying is a waste. It accomplishes nothing while allowing us to feel we're doing something. Either releasing the angst or taking action steps to address the angst are usually more productive.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
working hard guy, thank you for addressing my fear.
He is vindictive. But in very passive-aggressive ways.
And another thing is that every time I've been really thriving or happy and he's seen that, he'll do something to try to tear it down. I'm not saying it's a conscious thing....
His family is like this too. They are very nasty and haven't spoken to us in 20 months and have said very threatening vindictive things on his and my facebook.
I know I will thrive and get back on my feet as I always do - I'll set up a great life for myself, travel to Italy, meet a new man, but the question is - what will he do to fight back against all that.
We're not coming out of this as friends. There's no "I wish the best for you"
And maybe this will be the opportunity to sleep train D (I don't understand why you keep putting it off? Now you're gonna wait until you move in with your mom? Why? Wouldn't it be far better to get it done BEFORE you move in with mom?)
I'm worried that maybe the reason she sleeps when he's there and not with you, is that you DO give off a worried vibe when she wakes up. Try staying in a firm, calm, HAPPY space. No need to reassure her - I think you super-impose your OWN worries onto her. Consider this a chance to have a whole week of very consistent scheduling.
If she sees that life is happy and fine without dad there, and his being gone for a few days is NO BIG DEAL, then it won't be a big deal. My ex traveled for business a lot when we were married - my kids never batted an eye, because I never made any kind of deal out of it. She will take her cues from you.
KML, that's a pretty simple answer. My work is taking off, and I'm totally immersed. Sleep training with D can take upwards of 3 weeks. I just don't haven't had it in me - and have been using the time exBF is here to do everything I can.
I don't know how she can sense my energy from another room. I was pretty calm by the third night, having just had a fun family halloween party. If there's something unconscious on my part going on, I can't do much, but overall I'm fine. If I put her down and go work in another room and she wakes up 2 hours later and won't go back to sleep until 6 am, I don't know that that's my energy.
You husband may have traveled when you already had a sleeping child and he wasn't there one minute and gone the next - leaving your child in a room screaming and then disappearing.
Is it possible it could be exBF? I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. I'm not the one taking off and "unable to parent b/c D is out of control." As if, as parents, we have that choice to just drive off. Who does that?
OT, exBF doesn't have a L so a laughing L isn't entirely threatening to me. I might say "Maybe we can get a night nurse that week to help with the sleeping issue." I actually don't think that's entirely unreasonable *in our context* - not in anyone else's reality, but ours -
He doesn't want her to cry it out. Neither of us have wanted that.
She's our daughter (as everyone here keeps reminding me OUR not MY) and so I think it's fair to assume when she's having issues that it's both our responsibility to deal ...
OT, exBF doesn't have a L so a laughing L isn't entirely threatening to me. I might say "Maybe we can get a night nurse that week to help with the sleeping issue." I actually don't think that's entirely unreasonable *in our context* - not in anyone else's reality, but ours - There you go again Lila. I just finished HOURS of posting to you about what you can "expect" from him and the same day or within 24 hours of "getting it", you don't get it. You jack up your expectations again and this SO SLOWS YOU DOWN and sets you back...and it's stuff he isn't even aware of yet so he's getting set up for failure.
Stop expecting more than the bare minimum...no matter how "right" you think it is, no matter how "reasonable" YOU think it is...it's not. B/c he's not complying...he's NOT available the way you want him to be...by now that should be clear. Right or wrong, it's how it is.
OT is right about the trip, he's allowed and how does that effect you in a way that won't be happening soon anyhow? Are you saying he can never leave the area b/c you might need him? That's not realistic.
As for the sleep thing, all I said and stand by is, IT WILL BE HARD ON YOU....
but I had a child like that and it DID get better when I sucked it up. Frankly, I had to let my h do it and follow his lead. I am not sure if I could have put my ego aside to do that but I was pregnant and HAD TO..and it worked...wish I'd let him manage that for us both, a lot sooner.
He doesn't want her to cry it out. Neither of us have wanted that.
She's our daughter (as everyone here keeps reminding me OUR not MY) and so I think it's fair to assume when she's having issues that it's both our responsibility to deal ...
Again with the expectations. THIS frustrates me.. You are not listening even to yourself.
It does NOT matter what YOU think is fair, does not matter what HE SAYS he thinks is fair.... You are on your own. If he gives you OR the d more than the court orders, you say "Thanks!" And when he takes her out and buys her a toy, in HIS mind, he'll be generous if he does not deduct it from his CS payment, which I've seen done a millioin times until a judge says "No"....
Lila, have you processed the fact that my h left for 2 YEARS and I was on my own? I mean, you have to accept that. I could not call him in Alaska to tell him about a bill we got, or that the wildfires were coming and we had to evacuate or that the pool broke down, and those things AND MORE, all happened.
You are wasting too much time on hopes/expecations and blame instead of sucking it up and getting on with your life. You need to do that.
As for a response about his vacation, that's more of the same old "Mean Lila" is "mad when HIS life is going well"....the exact thing you accuse him of.
Detach, move on, GAL, be with your d and enjoy the privileges that go with that. That's called the silver lining and being positive.
It's your only healthy option. I recall wanting things to be FAIR but they are not fair.
It's why I tell people who get stuck on that, (which you are, I'm afraid), "Want fair? Tell Africa"....b/c life isn't fair.
So you got a bad hand of cards, play 'em as well as you can. That means enjoy the fact you have a healthy d and you'll get SOME money from him...and some verbal attempts at kindness, which you need to positively reinforce. I'd applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does, (yes it is hard. It;s Mother Teresa hard but it is also effective)
remember why we are here. NOT "righting the wrongs of the r" but doing what helps the R, and Not doing what does NOT help it. THAT IS DBing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
