Wow. Its been a long time since visited this thread. Since that fateful day this past summer, things had started to move into the right direction. We went out at least once a week, we were communicating much more efficiently and we were not holding all of the little things in. I saw my therapist a few more times before deciding that we weren't a good match. Coincidentally, I had started looking for a new therapist for myself as well as H. We had a long, long talk a few days ago. He started to say the same thing again. He was happy initially but he felt like he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He kept flip flopping around. We both vented, talked about our hopes and fears and made a lot of headway. By the end I think we were both feeling relieved. We agreed to work on things, but we didn't put a real plan into action.
During our conversation H basically revealed that he's a serial cheater. Says that he only did it periodically. When I asked him if I could trust him he said no. I was pretty taken aback, but this is the most honest he has ever been. Over the years he has been more and more open, even if I didn't like what he was saying.
I asked him if he would be willing to see a counselor that specializes in sex therapy. I'm convinced that he is not a sex addict. Its the ego stroking, the affirmation that he gets from different women. He got quiet and said that he didn't want to talk about it right then. He had planned to go out with a friend this weekend, but I thought that the setting was very tempting. He was acting withdrawn - like he was guilty about something.
Before he left last night, I asked him what assurances he could give me. He got on his cell phone and never gave me an answer. I sent him a text a few hours later, telling him that only he was in control of the choices that he made. He texted me back saying that everything was okay. After he rolled in hours later I was already asleep. I went through his phone and saw that he had picked up a girl. The rest was pretty unsettling.
So, I got dressed and as I was on the way out, he asked where I was going. I asked him if he had a good time last night, then told him where to go...slammed the door. It was too early to visit any of my friends so I did some shopping. I felt the urge to cry, but I just couldn't. So angry and numb at the same time.
After I came back home I didn't say anything for about 1/2 an hour. Then I told him that I wasn't going to give him the silent treatment for the next few days. He said that he didn't have anything to say. So I told him what I thought about him - that he always ran when he got caught. That he would continue to make this mistake in future relationships because he was empty inside. I was angry, but I've been holding this in for years.
Now, I'm trying to find a cheap bed so that I can move into the other room. I'm going totally dark at this point. In reality, I know that I can't take this anymore and I can't save this relationship by myself. He acknowledges what he does, that its wrong, but he's pretty much decided that he's incapable of changing. Basically, he's decided that he's a bad person and that I'm better than him. He's said this himself. All of my support and reassurances just don't work. He is a troubled man that continuously ignores his issues and he will repeat this cycle for as long as he is able to get away with it.
I really don't know if I want him anymore. I know that going dark will make him repentant, but probably only long enough for us to get back together and him to fall back into his old ways. I know that he loves his kids dearly, but I am not willing to suffer just so that he can have unlimited access to them. Unless he truly starts to work on himself I will not even consider trying to reconcile.
So now, I know that I have to GAL. I'm taking the kids to church every Sunday, then going out to eat afterward. The idea is to spend as much time out of the house on Sunday as possible. H has the weekends off and we only have one car. So, every Sunday, he be stuck at home for hours on end while I am away from the kids. Every Friday or Saturday night I will go out with friends. I'm thinking about telling him to text me only. After I move into the other room, there will be no reason for us to be around each other at all after the kids go to sleep.
Also, I'm going to pick up painting again. I love oils, but the ventilation in our house isn't good enough. So I guess its watercolors for now. The lease will be up next summer, so I will also need to figure out where I am going to move.
Strangely, I feel relieved. I'm so tired of biting my tongue, not questioning him, 'trying' to trust him when I know in my heart that something isn't right. I don't care where he's going because he's not coming back to our bed. I'm completely and totally detaching from this emotionally and I feel a huge weight lifting off of me. If he really wants to make things work, he knows what to do. Anything less is completely unacceptable.
