I am new here and still being moderated, so I don't know how long it will take for this to show up.
I got myself into a real state over my breakup, culminating in actually sitting in my car in the garage and thinking of running the engine. That was on the day W moved into her own place. On the following Wednesday, I ended up in the Doctor's surgery having gone to pieces totally and utterly. Doctor put me on happy pills and I went home to lick my wounds. I had all the same thoughts you have, nobody will want me, I have blown it etc, but 10 days later, I decided that NOBODY was going to have this power over me anymore and resolved to do something about it. This was when I started reading and re-reading the psychology books and working out my strategy. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I felt that letting her see "what SHE had done to me" would make all the difference, but she walked away even faster.
What she wants is to see the strong person that she took up with, not another pathetic dependant. So I started forcing myself to smile and in a few days, I started to feel a bit brighter inside. I also made a BIG change to my diet. That seemed to work for me in under a week. Now I always have a Meusli breakfast and eat bananas and grapes through the day. Then a cooked meal in the evening. I cut out coffee during the day, but will go cold turkey when it is used up. I got off the happy pills after 10 days, they are a crutch and do not address the underlying issue, which is what is in my head.
So today, 8 weeks after she left, we are having pleasant interactions, she has been to see me a few times and we are affectionate. I have decided that whatever happens, I am her rock, if she comes back or not.
I can't tell you to do any of this, but the damage you have done so far will take longer to sort out. You now have to respect her wishes of no contact and get your head straight, even if like me, you feel that you are dying inside. Give her a few weeks of not hearing from you and see what happens. I doubt you have blown it totally, but you need to see how wounded SHE is too and give her the chance to see you have grown a backbone.
