Commentaries on 'The Dance of Anger'

[optimist]

Anger is a signal and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self –our beliefs, values, desires or ambitions- is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortable do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take the hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say “no” to the ways in which we are defined by others and “yes” to the dictates of our inner self.


<snip> (Here comes the part about women being frustrated but I really think most of the book is applicable to men and women)


… we learn to fear our own anger, not only because it brings about the disapproval of others, but also because it signals the necessity for change. We may begin to ask ourselves questions that serve to block or invalidate our own experience of anger: “Is my anger legitimate?” “Do I have a right to be angry?” “What’s the use of my getting angry?” “What good will it do?” These questions can be excellent ways of silencing ourselves and shutting off our anger.


Let us question these questions. Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful not pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, “Is my anger legitimate?” is similar to asking, “Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what’s the point of being thirsty when I can’t get anything to drink now, anyway?”


Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel –and certainly our anger is no exception.


There are questions about anger, however, that may be helpful to ask ourselves: “What am I really angry about?” “What is the problem and whose problem is it?” “How can I sort out who is responsible for what?” “How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?” “When I’m angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?” “What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?” “If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?”


Any comments?