Starting Over

[25yearsmlc]

Also, my old IC and this new one have both said - believe what they do not what they say, and I don't know where to fall on that.

Focus on his actions. There's a reason we and the c's and t's and MWD say to ignore the words of someone behaving inconsistently with them or confusingly. The comment about not abandoning--those words were totally meaningless. No need to label. All that mattered was that he didn't answer his phone for 3 days

"I'm not abandoning my family" as he drives off without telling anyone and doesn't answer his phone for three days

... I wrote and said "I didn't say you did, but what should I think when you do that, you tell me" kind of thing (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't know what that is - certainly not the normal behavior of functioning beings)

this ^^ is more of the argument/cycling behavior that gets repeated. It isn't the helpful type. Asking him what he thinks you should think is also a lose lose question. No right answer. Seriously, ask yourself what he could possibly say to that question, without feeling like crap about himself?

Remember when you got upset about how he said the break up was mutual and you two are going to be friends? If you realistically thought of his options, you'd see he picked the most respectful one he could, for your sake.

Think about it. He COULD have said "Oh we broke up! Boy did she take it hard b/c she'll never do better than me, but hey, she's a beyotch and I deserve better."

OR
he could have said, "I had to get away. Yes She's falling apart, begged me to stay, crawled clawed at my feet, but I'm outta there and I'm FREE!!!..."

While I do understand that you hate the idea of a "la la land" version of the break up, NO ONE thinks that exists. No one thinks you both calmly sat at the table and said "let's part ways...see ya!" And now all is well....no one believes that. They know there is pain.

But If you thought/Hoped he'd say "OH, I just want my freedom b/c I'm selfish, and I want her to do all the work and raise my kid, - unless I feel like getting a daddy fix & then I'm a hero"...was going to be his explanation, you're mistaken.

First, It's not true. Second, HE sure doesn't believe that it's true. Third, Deep down, you also know that's not the situation.

I dislike summarizing relationships b/c they're too complex for it but putting it in a tiny paragraph is what some people want you to do when they ask "what happened?"

You didn't know each other well, you may be ill suited for each other, you had a child, and while some guys would have simply written a monthly CS payment and bolted - b/c they didn't want to be "trapped" or married to someone they didn't know well enough,

and some women would have made different choices, i.e., to abort the child or give her up for adoption, you chose to have and keep her, b/c you wanted to have her in your life, love and do right by her, so you both tried to make some sort of r work, but it seems it didn't.

Yes he ended it, and that hurts, to be sure. But there are a lot of grays in here, not so many black & whites.

While it appears no m will take place between you two, there will still be some contact and there has been for 3 years now, including the pregnancy.

So, something in between a "monthly check only" r - but less than a beautiful committed m will exist. Most r's after children are born out of wedlock, are in between the two extremes...

So, given all that, I hope you realize that the "amicable break up" story is a common lie friends/family are told, but it's often kind of a necessary one.

Who really wants others to know that they collapsed & begged and sobbed at their h's feet (as my bff from high school did, when her h dropped the bomb after 18 years)? She's still mortified.

Who really wants others to know that they screamed, carped and nagged and slammed doors and hit walls-all while trying to convince someone to stay?--only to convince the WAS to run faster and farther...w/their choice to leave being validated by the minute.

I was out of town earlier & couldn't post but I recall you being upset that his family didn't get the real picture. But they know more than you realize, and I'm positive they've expressed at the very least, concern for their grandchild.

Does this make more sense to you now? Do you see how He was not trying to hurt you more?