GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

I get what you're saying completely. There were tons of things I had my XH do "for" me in terms of running a house...aside from decorating it and cooking and laundry, he did so much of the work here, and he did all the yard work, which is a lot. Well I learned how to do all of it now and I'd never see myself going back to the "old" Antonia just because a guy was in my life and saying "you do this for me." If anything I'll have to learn HOW to let a guy step in and do something for me, if only because I think some guys like to take care of some things because it's a way they show they care.

I'm just SO different than the old me.

And while I think "all" of us who go through divorces have baggage, I think those of us on this board who really work on ourselves through the process are NOT the norm. I know if it were not for this board, I wouldn't have made half the changes I made to the point where they have stuck. I'd probably be the same woman I was, bound to repeat all my same mistakes on myself or with someone else.

But of all the people I meet who are divorced, either one year past or 20 years past, the vast majority do not talk about themselves learning anything from it or changing themselves for the better. They are, by and large, people who carry an enormous amount of hatred for the ex, who say hateful things even 20 years down the road, who run down the ex, and who simply say that they were never part of the problem and that they just had to find someone else who was a better person. They never forgive.

I just haven't met in person ever anyone who has the attitude of self-improvement and forgiveness and the ability to be grateful for the years they had, except for the people on this board.

So yeah, that narrows a narrow field even more...because the last thing I want is a relationship with someone who still carries a lot of hate or spite for their ex or exes. I mean in some cases, yeah. The ex was the devil incarnate. But I'm talking about those people who emerge from a divorce situation and never take a second to look at themselves.