Back home - but for how long?

[Accuray]

NYCPeter,

If an A exists you are right, it IS a complete disrespect to you and your marriage, it's the worst kind. That said, remember it's not about you. Your W did not set out to disrespect you and the marriage. Generally our spouses "slide" into an affair gradually. Once they're in it, it's too late. That's different than deliberately setting out to hurt you. My DB coach was very helpful in allowing me to get perspective on this and move forward, may be worth talking to one if you haven't already. The first call I had after discovering the affair(s) was the most valuable conversation of my life.

Here's what I went through if it helps: I was married for 15 years, over the course of the marriage, I think we had a "shouting argument" maybe 3 times, and my W was reduced to tears over something having to do with the marriage twice. We parented together well, didn't fight about money, were respectful of each other etc. Overall, I thought everything was good. We weren't very connected, but I'd gotten used to that.

My W is an intelligent, independent woman. I never thought in a million years she would be capable of having an affair. I honestly would have bet everything I own against it. After my W dropped the bomb, I tried to DB but was getting no results. The W I knew just wasn't "there", I was suddenly living with an emotionless being who treated me like a business associate. Polite, but cold.

Over time, I got suspicious and started asking leading questions. I was trying to open the door for a confession, or at least a discussion, but I got nothing. If anything, it made me doubt my suspicions. Like you, I finally "snooped", and discovered a 6 month EA, preceded by an 8 month attempted EA (infatuation), preceded by 2 incidents of "one-nighters" that did not go all the way. This was over the course of a few years!

Throughout my marriage, I had assumed that if my W cheated on me, I would walk, without looking back, and try to get custody of the kids. I spent no time thinking about it though, really, because it wasn't even a possibility.

When it actually happened, I had to gut-check and dig very deep about what I really wanted. I was somewhat surprised to learn that despite the deep disrespect, what I really wanted was my W back and an intact family for my kids. I caught a lucky break because the last EA had ended literally 7 days prior to my discovery, cut off by OM, in response to my W's escalating for more physical connection.

I know many on the forum feel differently, and they are probably right, so these are just MY feelings, and not advice. For me, I confronted OM right away and made it clear he was not to contact my W, and probed for facts. I also got my W to tell me everything, and tried to discover as much as I could through investigation / snooping. Here's why -- I wanted to know it all so I could process it all, forgive it, and move on. I didn't want to make serial discoveries and get thrown back to square one of shock and grief, and I didn't want to spend my life wondering about what I didn't know. For me, it was necessary to have it all on the table, paw through it to my satisfaction, and then forgive everything and move on.

Through this process, I discovered that my imagination will fill in details that are often far worse than the facts. I think that's why people advise against snooping. If you know a little, that's the worst because you will assume a lot, and assume the worst. Better to know nothing or everything in my book, and often you cannot and will not ever know everything. Also, your W may be very angry about the snooping and that can do a lot of harm. For me, my W was not mad, she viewed it that she had already violated the trust in the M, so my snooping didn't really matter.

As others have pointed out, you will go through the stages of grief and it will be hard. Find a support structure. Find people to talk to and vent. You will be tempted to try to work through your feelings and hurts with your wife, but you can't, you need to take it somewhere else.

Just know that it will get better, and you will get through this. Please do spend some time gut checking and figuring out what you really want.

--Accuray

[NYCPeter]

Quick journal
I will get to Accuray's questions - just need time to put my thoughts on paper, short answer is yes I want to continue to DB. Thankfully I am very busy at work which is keeping my mind off things.

Met a couple of friends for drinks last night - they know some of the Sitch, but I'm not ready to share any info about the C-Dawg with anyone yet. They just asked how things were going and I said same as before and we left it at that.

Got an email from W last night (I stayed in the city) asking if I wanted to book the "kids on broadway" promotion for Feb - where a child can accompany an adult for free.

Why is she making plans for Feb? I know don't read anything into it. It's almost like she forgets she wants a D and that she's got this other life.

Taking the girls to the circus on Sat - booked tix a while back something I always left to my W - glad I am being a better father.

[Grocerykartman]

Why is she making plans for February?

I think it's because she still wants to show your kids a good time, regardless of how things stand with you 2. It is definitely possible for not only her but for you also to compartmentalize activities with your kids. Whether you ultimately work this out or not, you 2 will still be parents, of course, and activities with the kids together can work out just fine, and even great. I fully admit that I am probably in the minority on this, but my ex and I have done all sorts of things together with our daughter, even went on a vacation, to the circus, festivals, disney on ice, movies, picked blueberries, etc. You name it, we've co parented it. For our daughter, but also for us as still two people who are very close but who just couldn't quite get through our problems.

Regardless of my situation, just know that a family element can still remain very strong throughout all of this, and that looking ahead to a fun activity in February is not unheard of at all.

[totallygutted]

Family for some Mlc's and WAS's still is important, right now I'm having homemade nacho's with D 19 and s14 and d19's boyfriend and a big pot of tea. Laughing joking, talking etc. while W probably sits alone playing WOW....Sad

[NYCPeter]

GK - you are right, just when she says things like that you get a little hope. My D6 mentioned a day trip we took to Saratoga racing this AM, my W said "Well we can go again next year". Comments like this make me think she

I've re-read my wife's FB message like a million times - trying to read something into it (yes I did a screenshot). I left out the more mundane part of the convo which related to her working a double shift - I think leaving her uniform behind meant at the restaurant not at C-Dawg's place, she mentioned she needed to wash it for the next shift.

W - "It's hard trying to be more than friends with a crazy person"

WF - "You mean C-Dawg"

W- "I have so much going on in my head. Yes C-Dawg. The one and only. I wish I could move on but something always brings me back".

WF - "Oh I know that song. You will".

W - "I know, I'm better than all this craziness".

The above snippet indicates something is going on with whoever C-Dawg is and something has happened in the past. She's trying to move past it but can't. Does this mean there was an A in the past - what happened with this guy on the Sat night? These are questions that I can't let go of. At the very least it suggests some sort of EA. She has sworn in the past that there is no-one else and in my mind I think she believes it as long as there was no sex involved.

Re detaching - I think about the possibility of this M ending - this doesn't allow me to detach as I would like. I agree with Harrier it should be easier if evidence of an A exists.

Working from home today (woke up late after working on a software release last night) - have kept to myself after the girls left for school. There was one moment where my W got "snappy" with D6 this morning in the past I would have said something, I walked out of the room and took a few deep breaths.

Back to Accurays questions - I think this is all dependent on any A being over, I could not tolerate a double-life where she was sneaking off with someone while I was at home with the girls. I recognize my behavior in the past may have caused her to seek attention elsewhere, but if you are working on it day by day (as she has claimed) - then OM needs to be out of the picture. There are bo guarantees another A won't happen - but I'd be the guy no-one would want to cheat on.

"If there was a PA, what do you want now?"

I want to understand what happened and why and then bring closure to it - I have managed to forgive and forget issues in the past, I can do so again - but it needs to be over.

"If there was an EA, what do you want now?"

Same answer as above.

"If this was just a misunderstanding and C-dawg is just a friend, what do you want now?"

I want to shoot myself for snooping and finding this - as well as having common friends we have always had our own set of friends. I wouldn't want anything.

"If the answers to the questions above are different, do you know why?"

Yes - because I want to save my M more than my pride, in the past I would have said - "no-one can treat me like that". I recognize I am part of the problem and I may have given her reason to act the way she did Is it excusable - in a way yes, is it the way I would have behaved - No. But we're all wired differently.

"If the answers to the questions above are different, do you really feel that way, or was it a gut reaction or a previously held belief?"

I think previously I would have reacted immediately and "short-term" without looking at the bigger picture and consequences.

"When you dig deep, what do you really want? Do you know yet?"

I want to live my life in a loving way with a settled family and to be in a loving monogomous relationship. Six months ago I would not have given two thoughts about my W's actions, now I think about everything she does and I hate the fact I am so fixated. My parents were divorced when I was very young and I grew up with my dad and grandmother. I barely saw my mother growing up and still have a strained R with her. I do not want that for me or my children. I realize it's not my decision alone and I accept that, but doesn't mean I'll not be the best father and husband I can be to try to prevent it from happening.

"What do I want right now?"

A little peace, stability and to enjoy spending time with my children and W. I'll always be there for my girls - I want to be there 100% of the time though, not part-time.

If someone can provide some ideas on how to approach "lovingly detaching" while living under the same roof I'd love to hear them.

[OmegaZed]

NYC,

Believe it or not, you've been doing the lovingly detached bit for a while now. Focus on your daughters, focus on yourself. By loving yourself FIRST, you put yourself in a better position to love others. Continue GAL, make the changes in yourself first to make yourself feel better about YOU. Believe me, your W will notice. She won't admit it at first, but you need to do this for yourself and for your daughters regardless of the outcome.

[workinghardguy]

Hey NYC... I'm working on the "lovingly detached" thing right now too, while living under the same roof. I'm going to post more on my thread in a minute about it, but for me the difference has been thinking of myself as divorced already. It has just completely changed the framework.

It changes how my W and I interact, how I view household management, finances, even how I interact with others. It frees me up to be me, not to be the depressed husband who's about to be kicked to the curb.

I've even thought of taking off my wedding ring. I haven't yet, but I've considered it. The only two things stopping me are 1) my S for some reason fixates on it often enough such as when he comes in the bathroom to ask me a question and I'm in the shower (Daddy, don't forget your ring!) and 2) I don't want to communicate that I've completely thrown in the towel. While I may be divorced/separated in my head I don't want her to necessarily know that. I don't know why that is though.

And maybe thinking of myself as divorced isn't the right words... maybe it's more as legally separated...

[2thepoint]

I agree with what Omega is saying. Love yourself and the love will touch others. I think also that as you detach, avoid doing things that are vindictive or hurtful towards your W.

So for example, if something comes up with the kids that your W was supposed to handle and she can't for whatever reason, be there to take over. It may seem counter intuitive but rather than focus on your W in this example, focus on what is right for the kids. Then when you step up, that shows love and even though you are detached, you are demonstrating loving detachment. Make sense?

I also wanted to provide some outside perspective on the FB post...

W - "It's hard trying to be more than friends with a crazy person" This sounds like C-Dawg is pursuing and W is resisting

WF - "You mean C-Dawg"

W- "I have so much going on in my head. Yes C-Dawg. The one and only. I wish I could move on but something always brings me back". Hmmm, this reads to me that your W wishes she could move on from you... and in light of her first comment, she may be feeling pressure by C-Dawg and she is struggling with that because something always brings her back.... to you maybe?

WF - "Oh I know that song. You will".

W - "I know, I'm better than all this craziness". Again, sounds like she is trying to resist crazy C=Dawg

I'm not trying to create false hope but did want to add my perspective. Hope it is helpful.

[NYCPeter]

WorkingHardGuy - I have thought of that approach, my concern is my W will say "hey this D business isn't so bad after all" - everything financially comes out of my paycheck as my W works a couple of nights a week and uses the $$ as spending money - so seperating finances isn't really possible.

2thepoint - thanks for the perspective, it certainly sheds a possible different light on the situation. It would not surprise me if a guy is pursuing her and she is resisting - I always thought my W had high moral values, I think the reason she wants a D is to "test the waters" as it were, - well you are not "dipping your toe in", You are being "thrown into the deep end". I hope you reading of the messages is right.

She has surrounded herself with a group that don't have the same commitments she does - the WF above left her BF and moved in with another guy within a month - it's kind of "I can do it - so can you".

I know I am reading too much into things - just need to focus on myself - and love myself, not sure I have done that for a long time if ever.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks for posting this comment Grocery. Should the worst come and pass, this is my hope for my W and I. And, assuming she doesn't lose her mind during any D or S proceedings, I think the two of us could pull it off.

We've already talked through some of it. Lord knows I feel hurt but at the same time I can see her pain and want that to better for her. And we both love our S and I love her kids and want that all to work.

I think of taking all the kids (SS & SD too) on vacations, maybe her coming along, maybe not. Going to school events and ballgames together. Basically trying to give my S as normal a life as he can have w/o mom and dad under the same roof.

I see the life my W and her XH have, the battles, the acrimony, and the pain on my SS and SD's faces. All I know is I don't want that, and will do my absolute best to co-parent.

And for others heading down this road I suggest researching and reading on co-parenting. And doing this BEFORE getting into the thick of D stuff. Reading it has really impacted me and changed my thoughts on how I would approach things. It has opened me up, made me child-centric, and had me consider things (like voluntary alimony) that I never would've even paused to consider before.