WHG - I sympathize with what you are dealing with. The best thing I think you can do is those type of situations is to do your best to compose yourself then leave. Go for a walk, do anything, but get out of the house while you work to compose yourself.
Part of me wonders though if your W does these things knowing exactly the kind of effect it has on you. If this is true then all the more reason to be brief in your interaction in these situations and move along as quickly as possible.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Journaling... another mixed day, those are the norm for the forseeable future I guess. Day started with a message from a friend who had been talking with my W. W told her about being unhappy for the past 8 years, that we are divorcing this summer, but keeping it from the kids until we can't anymore.
So yeah, that started the day off on a chipper note. But it was also freeing. Sure she's said these things to me, but I've not known whether she was saying it elsewhere... now I do. It sort of was the last nudge I needed to detach. To get my act together and prepare myself for living without her. Made it a melancholy day, but it is what it is.
At the same time, my newfound detachment has made DBing much, much easier. Maybe it was the message, the detachment, or just the stomach flu but this morning when she came downstairs I said nothing and kept reading my ipad. When she came back through I still said nothing, not even a good morning which would be my norm. The third time she came through she felt the need to stop and tell me about running in to her friend at our SD's school. Ok, great. Back to my ipad.
She was gone most of the day while I was home sick. She did actually show a small bit of concern this morning which was nice. She got home and again I said zero to her. After a while she feels the need to tell me about her day and ask what I think of her Halloween outfit. Told her it looked fine and took my S outside to make his zombie clothes look like zombie clothes. That was pretty fun actually
Then dinner time is approaching. It almost killed me, but I refused to make dinner. Had I not been home sick it would have been her night to make dinner. Time kept ticking by, but I let it sit and watched Captain America with the kids. Lo and behold she came downstairs and started making supper, grumbling about running out of time.
She went to guitar lessons and got home just as I had to leave for school board. I literally walked out as she walked in. She asks, "You leaving?" I reply, "Yep" and leave. She tosses back "have fun".
Got home tonight early from school board. Dropped my bag by the chair and went upstairs. Putzed around with putting away clothes and getting ready for tomorrow. W suddenly comes in and asks me a question about SD. Then starts talking about guitar lessons. Then about SS. Then I end the convo and head downstairs to read. A few minutes later she follows and starts a 25 minute convo about her workplace.
So yeah... I think I DB'd pretty darn good today. And her reactions were all very much what DR says to hope for. Yet I see no cracks or indecision. But I don't care either... I really, really don't. She'll come around or she won't. I'm starting to believe that until she has to actually DO something there will be no change. Until she has to file papers, tell the kids and break their hearts, face the fiscal realities of our house and whatnot that she will simply live this little fantasy life.
Ok... whatever. I will get my life together and move on. At some point this will change, change after all is the only thing you can rely on. And either she'll change it or eventually I will. I have a lot of patience, a hell of a lot more than she does, but that doesn't mean I'll always just be sitting around. I believe there's a saying about playing with fire and sometimes getting burned.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
WHG - really impressive, that DBing of yours! Sounds like you are on the right track. I think I agree that once the detachment takes hold it is far easier to DB then if there is too much connection. So keep on keeping on!
Meanwhile, I don't know if you have ever come across posts by "Bustorama", but he provided an update earlier today to inform everyone that he and his W had reached a reconciliation back in April and have been doing great ever since. His member name intrigued me so I started to read up on his situation and found his DB techniques to be really very good and effective. He had a couple of different threads running but the one I started with put me about mid-thread Aug-Oct of last year. If you want some inspiration, check out his story in the link below, then page forward to see how things unfolded.
Yesterday after reading through Busto's thread I asked him if he would provide a synopsis of what he did, how he did it, what worked and what didn't and he provided a pretty detailed response which I read this morning. Look for post # 219483 in the thread below.
Good job! That old human nature never fails. If you stop paying attention to her and act as if you really don't care what she does, then that will draw her in and the next thing you know....she's pursuing you.
This is hard for the LBH to understand and he gets confused b/c of other instructions he's read....but this is how you implement the LRT. Once the H can reach that emotional detachment from his W....then he can quickly see how it works.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
WHG I really liked your attitude in that last post of yours and it reminds me of the db-ing I used one day on h. He was so used to me being clingy and conversational with him. He was used to me being attentive and putting him first. I remember back to when he first BD and how he complained about my clinging-ness.
So I just started to pull back, be quieter, not pursue, not cling, not engage. Oh I have an ipad too ... I will never forget the look on his face when I chose to read it, rather than run after him when he got home from work to ask him all about his day.
I think it's interesting that when I began changing my usual behaviors, he began reacting.
You may not see immediate changes in her decision on what she will do. It may take a while for her to come to that.
Thanks CT. I've been working hard at the DB thing...
I started a new thread b/c this one is approaching 100 posts. I'd say there's been even more reaction to me doubling-down on DB. Not that I think anything has changed long-term view, but for me internally it has. And that's peace of mind if nothing else.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
