So here's something I wanted to mention. After exBF disappeared for three days and didn't answer his phone, etc. he sent an email that said "I don't have intentions on abandoning my family." But that also mentioned he hadn't listened to my voicemail and that he plans to contact a child psychologist and needed to rest his arm and catch up on work.
It was annoying to say the least. This is very very typical of exBF to want to appear like something he is not. I'm sorry, but driving off b/c your daughter won't go to bed without telling anyone and then not answering calls or texts for three days is not cool. She vomited that night, and I had no idea what she ate for dinner (our sitter just had a stomach virus and was out for a week, so I texted to ask him) and he didn't respond? And then tells me he didn't listen to my voicemail? Which basically was kindly calmly asking him what happened that night and validating that I know he's tired, etc. (Gee, like I'm not?)
So a friend advised that I just write back "Are you coming tomorrow, if not I need to make arrangements?"
(B/c Thursday he comes to see d at 3 and he wrote me on Wed.)
But my gut was telling me to do something else - it was telling me to reflect a little of my own reality (adinva, you may know this from Pia Mellody) ... I feel like just saying "will you be here tomorrow" let's exBF continue to think of himself as this amazing guy, when really we're a bit stranded. I haven't slept for three nights, bills keep coming in that he said he'd pay and isn't, etc. And I'm handling it all but I'm not going to NOT say anything.
So I wrote back with a lot of questions. I said that he left the other night without telling us and had D closed in a room which is something we don't do - and that if he had a sleep plan around that, perhaps we could have discussed it first. I asked what he wanted me to think about that night and the next three days and then writing to tell me he didn't listen to VM.
I asked what he was hoping to hear from a child psychologist,and if he wanted any input on her sleep from me -
He didn't write back but later that day, I texted and asked if he was planning to show up. He said he'd be late (ugh) - when he came over he was being mean. I just let it all go and let them do whatever - and later I said, "Y'know, I stayed up with her for three nights and didn't hear from you and it was pretty tiring. I said, I'm trying to deal with this as best I can, but you're still being mean." He said "I'm tired." And I said, "Well I thought that was the point, you wanted to rest and get away and you did - and he said, "I had to work a lot." I was really understanding and said I know b/c I'm working a lot too, still mostly unemployed, have to move, and being up with her all night is hard." So he lightened up a little and then said, "I can't keep doing this." I said, "Nor can I, but she's our kid and we're her parents, and I would like us to be friends around this - it doesn't have to be more stressful than it already is." So he lightened up again (joked or something) (which is his way, I guess, of letting me know he's heard me or I've gotten through.
I don't know, I feel like I confuse DBing with not needing anything and being able to do it all on my own but I really don't know how to go through that no sleep, work all day thing for longer than I did (three days - my eyes were bloodshot and burning and I couldn't see well enough to edit!) And the apt./roommate search isn't going as quikcly as I hope.
I feel like this was very different in how I intereacted with him b/c I had a clear boundary (in my email sort of gently reflecting my reality) and was not coming from a place of emotioanl reaction. It felt good.
