What do I do next?

[Accuray]

I wouldn't read too much into that. Her lawyer's job is to represent her interests to the best of his or her ability. Therefore they will advise you W to start by asking for the moon.

[Rick1963]

Luvhurts my W filed also and she kept telling me that I did not need a L. When I was served I met with one and told him this he laughed his b@@@ls off. He told me everything is split 50/50. That includes everything. I don't know if you are responsible for her L's fees. Do you have a L? If you don't please get one yesterday. Her demeanor may change once you respond.

[Accuray]

My sister just finished going through a divorce. They agreed to use a mediator to make the process "easier". The mediator still required that they each be represented by a lawyer. The issue is that they need to be sure you understand your rights. My sister's divorce was as amicable as possible but still cost about $10K in lawyer and court fees and took about 9 months to finalize. This varies state by state.

The mediator told them that regardless of the circumstances of the marriage (infidelity, etc.), all divorce settlements end up within the same basic settlement parameters -- marital assets (and debts) are divided 50/50, mandated child support is awarded, and then custody and "support" are negotiated.

The arguing comes in over what the marital assets constitute, that's where things can get messy. If one spouse or the other argues that a certain asset isn't a marital asset, or if certain debt isn't marital debt, then the legal fees escalate while you fight it out.

--Accuray

[luvhurts49]

Well our marital assets and debts are pretty clear cut. About the only thing that could be an arguing point is some non-marital assets.

@Rick - I don't have a L yet, but I've talked to quite a few and will be hiring one in a day or two. My W did put in that I should be responsible for part of her L fee, but I don't see how she'll get it. Our pre D agreement was for 50/50, joint custody, and no CS, but we'll see what happens.

The problem I have is I want the physical C of my kids--not because I want CS, but because I want to prevent her from bending me over. See in Illinois, there isn't any joint physical custody law. What happens is, you can agree to no CS, but what can happen is that anytime after the D is final, the custodian can go down to the courthouse and then demand CS and will get it. So basically, I want to prevent my W from being able to bend me over just because she gets her panties in a twist and wants revenge for something. Because if she does that, then I will no longer be able to afford the house. I will have to file for bankruptcy and because the D is at that time final and her name will have been taken off the house, she won't have to file for bankruptcy and it won't affect her credit. It's just another way for her to hurt me.

[luvhurts49]

The real problem with D is that nobody wins except the lawyers. After our D is final (whenever that is) we are still going to have to deal with each other for at least the next 15 years. I don't make a lot of money and is barely enough for me to live on. If my W is awarded custody and I have to pay CS, I'm going to loose my house, I'm going to have to file for bankruptcy, I will have lost at least half the time that I would normally have with my kids, and I will have lost the one woman who means the world to me. However, she will have gained 28% of my earnings, less financial responsibility (living with her dad--no bills to pay and he is usually out of town), and free to do whatever she wants and with whoever she wants (starting to think there may be OM). So in the end, she leaves and gets everything, while I'm still here and lose everything. Yeah, life is fair.

[Rick1963]

luv49 you are very new to the process and should not lose hope. Life is not fair it was not intended to be. You have to DB, GAl act as if, detach. You do not know what the future holds for you or me. Focus on you, think of things you wanted to do ie go back to school learn a trade whatever. If you focus on her she will smell it. I have detached from my W and try not to think of my sitch when at home. i have noticed that my W is always looking at me and she seems sadder than when this all started. do not snoop, look at phone bills, FB emails. It will only hurt you and push her away. Hang in there

[luvhurts49]

I can't snoop--phone bill is in her name and she has since had all her mail sent to her dads. As far as going back to school or getting out, I really can't because of my financial situation. Like I said, I don't make much and what I do make is going towards the house, student loans, utilities, and such. Anything that is left over (very little) goes towards buying food for when I have my kids. It really is amazing just how much you take a second income for granted. Before, we were able to go out to eat, go to the movies, and go on vacations, but now, I can't even go to Subway.

[Rick1963]

Luv49 I know it must be hard financially. I worry about that too if we D. I have been thinking of getting a 2nd gigg if the D goes through. I quit my 2nd job 3 years ago after working there for 9. Can you look for some part time work?

[luvhurts49]

Unfortunately, I might have to do that, but of course the problem then becomes how do I spend time with my kids and just how am I suppose to GAL if all I'm doing is working all the time?

[Accuray]

luvhurts,

Very painful, I went through the same accounting and shared some of it with W. My W did not have her father's house to move into, so she would bear the downside of all this too. That definitely wasn't what convinced her to work with me on saving the M, but it didn't hurt.

My sister's D was also in Illinois and included CS -- she told me that CS was mandatory in that state using a standard calculation. I believe one of the inputs is your income, so you may want to wait on a second job until after D is finalized, your L will obviously advise you.

All this being said, you have HUGE incentive to work on yourself here. Your posts indicate that you have a strong need to be right, and your W feels you don't listen to her or accept her position on things. When challenged on that you've said you are not wired that way, it's hard for you, etc.

Here's great motivation to deal with your pride and work on you! You will need things to feel good about going through this process, and one of the best things will be realizing that you've become a better person as a result of it.

Between now and the time this is finalized, if you can show a new "you" to your W, be a good partner and a good listener, and not let your anger and resentment surface, you will reap benefits. You may not be able to save the M, but you'll be a much better parenting partner for your kids, and that may be the most important thing to work on right now.

Be strong, you will come through this!

Accuray