Ugh. I am so frustrated. I gave my bf my usual friendly hug when I picked up our daughter and I asked when I could get another kiss (3 weeks ago he let me kiss him (and he kissed me back) for the first time in almost 3 years). He looked away and said, "I don't know, not now." And I said "soon?"as he walked to his car, and he said he didn't know. I called him a minute later and asked him, "When? Because it is important." He said he didn't know and he didn't feel like talking about it. So, now what do I do? I have the urge to call him right now and tell him he should tell me right now if he's planning to make me wait another 3 years, because if he is, I need to make some adjustments. That is not acceptable. If he can't do better than that, I should probably get over my major hangups about him dating and marrying someone else. Actually, I don't know if that is even possible. And of course I would rather figure out how to help him want to be affectionate. I kind of think he's afraid if he kisses me, we'll have sex and if we have sex, I'll get pregnant, and if I get pregnant, he'll have to marry me. He can't have TWO kids out of wedlock...
I knew this wasn't going to be smooth sailing, but I want to have a mutually satisfying relationship. He might be happy with the status quo, but I'm not.
Still, I'm glad I don't have the issues some women here do. My problems seem minor compared to some, but they are MY problems and they hurt
I am also posting in newcomers under "My bizarre situation"
He knows how I feel. the only reason I got that last episode of physical contact (after almost 3 years) is because he didn't want me getting it from someone else. If I'm that repulsive to him, I really am willing to wait till it's an "emergency" as in "I need a kiss from you now, or I'm going to get it from someone who IS physically attracted to me" to really push him.
Honestly, like lots of people, even if he is IN the mood, when we "just do it", I think he enjoys it. That's why Michele says "just do it" whether you feel like it or not. I'll give him some time, wait for the opportune moment and see if he'll be as responsive as he was 3 weeks ago. He has made it clear that I am not to expect him to initiate physical contact and not to ask him for it. He didn't say it, but it is understood that if I make an advance, I should be prepared for rejection and not let it discourage me from seeking intimacy. I'll just try again later.
The key is to not FORCE anything. Last time he was at my house he let me take him to my bedroom and sit him on my bed and I kissed his cheek and his neck and by the second kiss on his lips, he was kissing me back and HE's the one who started the "french" kissing and touching me, and all the other stuff. I really don't think he would have been doing that if he didn't WANT to at that point. All I was hoping for was for him to LET ME give him some non-threatening kisses to his face and neck. That's all.. Over the past 3 years, he has let me kiss his neck and cheek, but this is the first time he went so far. If I try it again and he is hesitant to leave the room our daughter is in (busy with a movie or the computer), I won't push it, but will at least try to sit close to him (seems ok) and maybe even hold his hand or keep my hand on his leg or shoulder.
I really don't think this lack of desire is permanent. He's got some things going on in his head that I don't understand, but I am still happy with him (really, I am!) and even though I know I'd LIKE it if he were more demonstrative, I have been in a marriage for many years where my H professed his love pretty frequently, but our relationship was very unsatisfying since he treated me like crap so much of the time. This man I'm with now has treated me in ways I didn't appreciate over the past 4 years, but our relationship is characterized as being one that is pleasant and cooperative and respectful. I am so thankful that he is so kind and generous. He has been generous with affection before, and I think we'll get that back. But in the meantime, i got my batteries recharged and I'm in a good state of mind. I am not "drowning in a sea of loneliness". I think lack of desperation is attractive.
I wish you luck. There are worse things than a passion-less marriage. For me, anyway. But passion would benefit both of us, so I'm not giving up on it.
