This is so far an eight week story. Feels like 8 years though. I will try to remember all the salient
points, but my brain has been made of soft cheese over this period, so bound to miss something or get it
out of order.
So far, in reading the contributions, I am amazed about how similar the situations are to each other and
to mine. Some of them could have come directly from my pen. Also behaviour issues. Until I read here, I
was completely poleaxed by the "nice as pie" on one day, then the knife goes back in deeper with a twist
for good measure. At least I expect it now so am better prepared when it (always) happens. [EDIT] It just
did!
Over the last couple of years, the recession here in the UK has hit us hard, we had to close one of our
businesses due to high losses and also employee frauds knocked finances sideways. This came to a head in
about May of this year and I have been very down, trying to find a way out of the mess.
In June this year, W went away for a holiday with her family. I had the opportunity to go, but the
combination of her family, the destination, the cost and the fact that my business was going down, meant I
couldn't consider it. This did not go down well. We had a discussion about the fact that she had
contributed nothing to the household finances for some time and was told that her holiday was far more
important than paying the mortgage as she worked hard all year and needed her fortnight in the sun. She
goes away every year with her mother to somewhere exotic. This year, her holiday was a farce. Her mother
made it her business to fall out with everyone in the family except W who was stuck in the middle of it
all. She tried to peacemake but her mother was having none of it. In the midst of all this, I sent her a
text reply to her enquiry about how I was doing. I told her I wasn't sleeping well, the implication being
that I was missing her, but she took it as a personal attack to make her feel guilty about leaving me to
go away. This idea was strongly re-inforced by her mother who sent me a stroppy text after midnight saying
"Thanks for upsetting (W) and you do this to her every time she goes on holiday". I ignored it.
When she returned home, she was clearly under stress, but seemed to perk up. I was finding the financial
pressures difficult to cope with and so wanted to discuss how we could save some money. (W is quite
extravagant, no idea what a budget is). I carefully worked out how to broach the subject and asked her if
she would help me find a way to economise. At this, she blew up and informed me that she can't economise
any more, she is fed up of having no life and will not "spend the next few years living like this".
Then followed a couple of weeks of aggro. She went sulky, cut up the credit card she was given for
shopping and refused to acknowledge me. I tried to be upbeat and took over all the household jobs but she
went further into her sulk. In the end she said she wanted to seperate due to the way I treated her and
she would live in the spare room until she found somewhere to move to. I suggested maybe a stay with her
mother to get her mind cleared. (Bad move, her mother hates me with a passion). W said it would only be a
stepping stone, but went never the less.
After a couple of days, W said she would come round to talk. It was a bit of a rant at me about how I had
mistreated her. I was surprised when she took a phone call from her mother at 9PM. "She is ringing to
check if I was OK because if you had kidnapped me, she was going to call the Police". *stunned* At no time
in the years I have known her, have I even raised my voice, let alone made threats or done anything
remotely aggressive towards her.
We had a few meetings and phone calls over the next fortnight or so. It was our anniversary on the 24th
September and I went a bit mad, got her a dozen red roses and a necklace sent to her work place. That went
well I think, although she did say she was embarrassed because work colleagues wanted to know why I was
sending flowers when we were seperated. (Blew her "I am a victim" story up a little I suspect. I expected
a cold shoulder in return but on that Saturday, she came round with a sloppy card and a silly gift. That
made my day, to think there was something there.
The following Wednesday [See paragraph below about the "fertility test"), she had been round and I thought
we had started rebuilding. Then on the Thursday, she came screaming into the house accusing me of putting
the house on the market behind her back. I did no such thing, it was an error at the agency, but even a
phone call from them would not disuade her from the belief that I was going behind her back. She started
threatening solicitors and divorce etc despite my protestations of innocence. This really brought me to
my knees. On the Friday, I sent her a Skype message that if she couldn't trust me then there was little
point in carrying on, so I was gone. (She was online with Skype much of the time). Saturday came and I
was still in the depths, and I contacted a so called friend of mine who was also online. (I have caught
the two of them canoodling once and she has also been caught on a Skype video call to him, dancing naked.)
Anyway he tried to reason with her and she still wouldn't accept it, but at least came on to me with a
"thought we were done" comment.
The next event (the Wednesday referred to above)was a bit personal, but here goes. I had been asked by W a
couple of years ago, to go for a fertility test. She did one and got the all clear. I prevaricated a bit
and she let it slip. When all this blew up, I was determined to show her that Iwas listening to her and
understanding her point of view, so booked the test myself. I explained to her that it was impossible for
me (contrary to porn flick myths) for most men, including myself to provide a sample unaided. We also had
to provide the sample in a time window of between 48 hours and 7 days from the last (ahem - offering) so
she came around a week before To ML. Wonderful experience and I stupidly asked her to tell me she loved
me. She did but I asked her to look me in the eyes and say it, which she did. Then came that horrible Thursday about the house on the market.. The following Wednesday was the actual
test and she had agreed to arrive in the morning to assist. I asked her on the Sunday I think by text if
she was still coming and got "No I am not going down that road anymore, you will have to prove you can do
it on your own. (So no pressure there). I did try and got myself so upset that I was going to let her down
again. Eventually, I went to the Doctor and couldn't even speak without losing it, so wrote a note telling
them I need help NOW and I was considering throwing myself under a bus. The emergency doctor saw me and
was extremely good. He asked if he could see W too and I rang her and let him speak to her. She agreed to
come in for an appointment a couple of hours later and said she would pick me up from the house and take
me in. She arriven a temper which did subside a bit when we got there. We held hands during the
appointment and the doctor saw that "we had a connection that might be helped by counselling". She sort of
agreed to go but has not mentioned it since. Doctor put me on happy pills, much against my judgement, but
at that time, I didn't really have a great deal of that, so went along with it. When we got back, she
re-iterated the doctor's comment about me having catastrophe thinking and "I haven't mentioned Divorce
have I?"
Eventually that subsided and we had a few interactions over Skype and by text. I don't remember much of
them in my fog, but I do recall they were roller coaster jobs. She has been saying things about "just give
me time" quite a lot. Also things like "I have been hurting so much, it will take some time before I learn
to trust you again, could be 6 or 12 months" I love you but not in that way anymore, you have chipped it
all away until I think more of the cats that of you".
On the 1st October, she had rented a house. Amazing to me because on her wages, she would have needed
about double just to survive by my basic calculations, but it was done. At some point, she came round to
see me and I was informed that she would pick up her bed and other bits on that Saturday. She wanted 3 of
our 5 cats but would leave them a couple of weeks. One interesting thing she said was "Just because I am
taking my furniture and the cats, it doesn't mean I am walking away from you". (What?)
That night I was totally distraugt, coming home to a house stripped of her stuff, although she left the
unwanted tat behind of course.
Over the next couple of weeks, I had to listen to her tell me about how this new place was great and she
was buying all new furniture with a gift of a couple of thousand pounds from her mother (who wanted to
make sure it was comfortable enough for her not to want to come back). Then she tells me she is getting
broadband and a telephone put in. (18 month contract). I have asked he not to tell me things like that
because I find it hurtful. I told her I thought I was the insensitive one, but she seems to think I am
being silly. We have had a meeting about once a week so far and a couple of weeks ago she asked if we
could go to dinner. That was quite a nice evening and we cleared the air a bit more.
Since then she has dropped in for a couple of hours once a week and has been amicable. Then I started
looking at self help online. I paid $40 for a short "guaranteed results" ebook. Then got another one that
looked like more of the type of advice available here. On Monday Last week, I started to put it into
practice. When she rang (can't remember why) I told her that I understood how she couldn't trust me and
that I appreciate her reasons why she wouldn't come home etc. I made the point that the pressure will now
come off completely and she is free to do what she wants to, I will not even contact her. "But that isn't
what I want, I still want to be in touch with you".
I found Michelle's site and the DR book which I ordered around this time and read it through once.
Wednesday was a total 180 for me. One of the words of wisdom I gleaned from the ebook I got is that I
should see other women, not bed them, but enjoy their company. I had kept in touch with my W's girlfriend
(yes that sort of girlfriend), after W dropped her. This friend had formed a new relationship and this new
friend of hers, Knowing what I was going through had invited me out for a drink. Now this new friend in
the eyes of my W, would tick all of my boxes, moreso that anyone else, due to her "interests". So.....
Arranging the Wednesday, she said she would like dinner made for her so she would come straight from work.
I prepared the house by cleaning etc and put away all of her bits and pieces, took off my wedding ring and
left just one photo of her on the side. I changed out of my work clothing and put on cologne etc. When she arrived, I did not use any pet names, just her given name which is rare for me. I was light
hearted and humorous. I did not kiss her, hug her or anything else. When she sat down, I put myself at the
far end of the sofa. She put herself at the other end in typical protective body language. We had a chat
about odds and ends, nothing at all about the situation. She wanted to know what I had been up to, so gave
her a few answers and said "And last night I went out with (x). "Who is (X)?" You know... the new female
partner of your exgf. "Oh" was the response. When she got up to leave after a couple of hours, she put on
her coat and kissed me, I didn't respond. Then as we walked through the house, she did it again after a
comment from me about something flirty (Can't tell you in public!). I had a parcel for her that was near
the front door. Now expected behaviour is for her to take the parcel, open the car to load it, get in and
drive away. She loaded the car and came back to the door to kiss me again. I still didn't respond. She
then said "I will pop in Friday on my way from work and I will see you every night next week". Now Friday
arrives and no show. Par for the course, but expected to see her Monday. Got a text Monday about something
she had ordered that may come to the house. I responded "Of course, but I thought you were coming to see
me?" I got back, "been tired and busy sorry x". W was due to go to an appointment Wednesday morning to see
a specialist, so asked her by text if she would like me to go with her for support. Got the expected "no
thanks". That was Tuesday morning. Tuesday afternoon, her parcel turned up, so sent text about that and
got a phone call back. I asked her to do something for me.... "If you are coming to see me, will you
please not let me down, if you are coming, that's great and I can be here, but I need to know when I can
do my own thing. "Oh yes, I will do that, I will see you Friday". OK, how about your parcel? "Oh no hurry,
I will get it on Friday." Later, about 8PM, I get a text making an excuse to be in the area and said she would collect her parcel.
Rushed around getting changed etc and she turned up, staying for a couple of hours. This time when we
moved into another room, she came up and gave me a proper hug, unsolicited, then kissed me. I did drop my
guard a bit and said "I know you may not want to hear this, but I love you". Response? "I know, but just
give me time eh?"
I have spent Wednesday and Thursday evenings doing household things and trying to detach. I wound myself
up about the fact that neither she nor this so called friend were online either night, making me think
they had another secret liason, like the one they had on Sept 10th they think I know nothing about. Made a
real good job of the detaching last night too. After Wednesday was nice, I expected a kicking, just didn't
know what form it would take this time. However, my detachment exercise gave me some strength to cope with
it anyway. I was looking forward to seeing her, but not really believing that I would, so it came as no
surprise to get a text message on Friday morning saying " Can't come over tonight as I have been sent home
from work with a migraine". I just responded, OK, hope you feel better soon." Maybe it is genuine, she
does get them, but dashed my hopes again.
Just to fill in some background.. This so called friend of mine is a millionaire. I suspect he is
supporting W with money to survive in a place where he can see when he chooses. After a month of living
there, she will still not tell me where it is, only that it is "in the country".
So here I sit, 13:00 hrs on Friday, wondering again what I am doing, trying to save my marrige and show
her the way home.
I have done a fair bit of working on my self. I have been reading "How to win friends and influence
people". Also trying to smile and be atypically pleasant to people and listen to what they are saying. I
am told by W that I am selfish, inconsiderate, controlling, antisocial, my opinion is the only one that
matters and she can't have friends or relatives round because they all hate me due to the way I (don't)
interact with them. Came as some surprise to me, but I agree she is right about much of this. Over the
last two years I have become pre-occupied with the business and not really noticed her obvious withdrawal.
When she left, I set too showing her I was listening NOW and dealt with all the things she had been asking
me to do over the last couple of years. As would now seem to be expected, I got "Why now, too little too
late". The answer is that with the business failure, when you lose EVERYTHING, it makes you re-evaluate
what is important to you. My W is the most important thing to me and I would happily live in a tent as
long as I can be with her.
One other point to make is that about 6 months ago, she did tell me to get my apparent depression
discussed with the doctor as my mood was so poor. I didn't go, but I did hear her and brightened up and
started showing her love and affection, moreso that I had before, to show I cared. It would seem that this
