Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

a note about resentment...

it DOES accumulate. Even when there's a "good reason" for a spouse neglecting you, your needs are still not met.

After enough time passes, the tank gets super emtpy and if you meet OP...then yeah, things can get hairy.

But it's foolish and a tad self serving to act as if your choices about career and 3 kids were unilateral choices you made.

They were clearly joint choices and the marriage was put on the back burner for too long.

But YOU did have 3 children including a recent one and OMG....I just want to shake our society up as a whole and say,

"NO WONDER there are divorces so often! -
THINK about spacing the kids or earning less or having a smaller house," etc...

Live and learn.

Seriously, that's literally the best you can do.

Being grateful for comforting the kids at night IS huge...good thinking on your end to focus on the positive.

A lot of what's coming is going to require you to spin it about some, so you can see the silver lining or make the best of what you have. There will be curve balls that hurt but if you learn from them, it's a good thing. I have friends who say rehab was the hardest best most beautiful horrible thing they ever did...
Know what I mean?

Seeing the upside, generates more positives in your life than anything else I know. Cliched but true. And it's great for your kids.

Worse case scenario so you and your h don't end up together but you model for them a healthy r with someone else.

yes there's a certain appeal to starting fresh (which your h is clearly into right now. He's losing sight of what it'll be like on your d's wedding days and graduation and the tough nights when there's trouble b/c ONLY YOU are the other parent....

the "fresh start" lacks history and family ties. That counts and only surfaces with time.

When he says things about your personality or your anger, you are allowed NOT to keep apologizing.

You COULD say "I thought I was superwoman but I was wrong. IF I had it to do over again, I'd do a lot of things differently."

That shows change but reality and it's not escalation...

if he revises things so much you don't even know what he is talking about (I once almost called h a liar but turns out I just totally blocked it or forgot but the event happened according to my kids....so be careful about total denial)

but if it's just NOT what happened, you can say "Wow I don't recall it that way but I"m sorry you were hurt."

That also does not escalate and it validates but it doesn't force you to lie or keep apologizing for ALL conflict.

Does he honestly think his expecations of your were 100% reasonable, in hindsight?

Surely someone in his family has pointed out that leaving a woman with a 3 month old is what a CAD does...

he could stick it out while your son is this young. I know this is about the work YOU must do on you...

I certainly know that. It does not help to have our spouses flaws pointed out although God knows a lot of LBSers like it b/c they get to be "right"....

but we only get angry or stuck.

But you have "owned" almost all of this and that's not right.

I'm not okay with a man leaving a w with a newborn...let alone 2 other toddlers!
Frankly I don't think I've seen it here before. Not a newborn and 2 toddlers...

So while you may have been a whack job hormonally "OFF" woman while pregnant, he participated in the pregnancy too...


Okay now, back to YOU...you are doing SO WELL!

((( )))