Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

Harrier your name is familiar but the sitch is vague so I'm going by your notes below which may be insufficient.

I went to my high school reunion and b/c I'm president of my class (unbeknownst to me, it's a life time commitment I made at age 17) so I stay in touch with nearly everyone in some form.

When making career and marriage choices then, I had few role models for women with kids and "real" jobs. By real jobs I mean ones you take home with you and or have long hours. NOT putting down other jobs but am trying to distinguish why I feel some hurt us more.

I DO know nurses & a few teachers, writers or others who determine their own hours, who are able to make things work with kids and husbands, but they limit the hours they work or leave it at work when they get home.

ALSO even they say (per studies) that at the age your kids are, marital satisfaction was an all time low. I sure agree with that. My hormones, chronic lack of sleep and work demands on both of us (early in our careers we are SO concerned b/c we want to make partner or win the case or impress the boss and get the right residency and PASS his classes and rotations and NOT KILL a patient, and making money is all tied into it and there's a sense of urgency too...) and the kids' demands and MONEY worries...

and sexual expectations for our age group but seeing our childless friends having what seemed like a ball....all contributes...

Divorce is high then too. They say 7 years but look into that number and you'll often see that there are children under school age then...

25,

I usually read everything you write. Big Fan.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

I do have a question about something you posted and I hope it's not hijacking this thread.

When you say I don't know ANY woman with 3 kids at that age WHILE also having the demanding career, who stay married.

I've been m 30 years. At my reunion there were only 3 couples out of 90 (we had a larger class but 90 classmates came) who had been m as long or longer.

Several were still m for over 20 years. But I can't think of more than 2 who had both professionals and small kids who lasted. Then again Harrier, I can't think of many IN GENERAL who are still married.

But I believe the ones who made it ALL seemed to have gone to part time work, or no working for a few years with a parent (90% the mom) staying at home for awhile.
Some of THOSE couples are still married.

Do you think this is just impossible or that something has to give in these situation and often times it's the marriage?

It is often the marriage that gives, b/c the kids can't be "given" out and the job SEEMS like THE GOAL, and the ONLY WAY we can "make it"...

As a woman, I feel I bought into superwoman too much for too long and so did my h. I thought we could 'have it all AND at the same time". I now think we can have it all IF we space it out AND IF we have the right partner.

Not only did I get pre-eclamptic in law school with the first child but with the 2nd pregnancy I ruptured a disk and then b/c I was more sedentary I got pneumonia and was hospitalized...had to be ordered to part time bed rest when the back just gave out. Could not walk up stairs, or lift my legs much.

talk about the universe sending me a signal....I suppose My body (or God) intervened and said "WTH are you doing??"

I myself find pregnancy demanding as hell on my body. I'm also not good at dropping a case at 5pm, I tend to brood about it and am preoccupied, which my kids call me on now.

But early in life I was better with them b/c I found them far more interesting than my work but my work suffered, I'm sure.

I let housework slide. Had to. I got up at 6 am (not a morning person) and got the 2 kids ready (we had a third one much later) for breakfast and dressing and getting to the sitter. Hopefully it would be a smooth morning. I'd also get dressed/make up and "eat" coffee and then get to work by 8am. That's a 2 hour rushed thing b/c of the commute. Mostly stressful.

Get to work. WORK and hope no one calls to say kids are sick or fighting or biting or whatever....Get off work and bring some into the car thinking I'll do it at home. Drive to the kids, pick them up and hear about their day. As SOON as we get home they are starved so they are cranky while I am getting dinner. H misses all this. I make the dinner and feed them and wolf some down too. H comes home and says "what's for dinner?" He has been up since last night on a long case and is sleep deprived. He plays like a mad man with the kids for 10 minutes, eats and falls asleep for an hour until I ask him if he has a case to prepare for (in which case he'll disappear to study for it) or if he doesn't, he might MIGHT play some more or help with something but 80% of the time is too tired to do that so he falls asleep somewhere. I give them baths most nights or just read to them and put them to bed and then I clean up the kitchen ...then it's maybe 9-9:30 pm by the time they are in bed and dishes are done.

I MIGHT read some work related stuff or watch 10 min of news but I mainly get my info from the radio drive to work...I am TIRED...God help me if I need to do MY hair at night...so by 10:30 I'm in bed and h is asleep or "sleep reading" and we talk for 4 minutes and fall asleep. One or both of the kids awaken each night for a few minutes so sleep is interrupted. Hopefully it's a matter of reassuring them and NOT having them in our bed which wrecks everyone's sleep, or at least my h's and mine.

While h was in med school, and training, (so that's 8 years after college and veterinary school, and med schol began when son was 8 WEEKS old) meaning

when we married, h was in vet school (but wanted to change over but stuck it out to finish his DVM). THen he practiced vet medicine 3 years while I was in law school then he switched to human medicine, which is 4 years plus 4 for residency/fellowship. Relentlessly long almost cruel hours. 9 Thanksgivings out of 10, literally, he was on call. 1/3 of Christmases and always had to choose between Christmas Eve and New Year's...when I say I felt neglected, I can say that indeed I was. I say that without anger, it's just obvious.

When I studied for the bar, h was neglected too. The difference? Um, 7 1/2 years I guess.

So when the kids were young, that was MY life, M-F and weekends were the same, minus work. So they were good days but not "great" b/c all the other stuff and catching up on bills and yardwork and car stuff and LIFE in general and dating each other and having a social life, etc

also play out then.

I was NOT happy in my life in a sense b/c I was so on the go. But I loved being a mom way more than I expected to, AND that seemed to only get better.

As for the marriage I wasn't satisfied at that time, but not "unhappy" either, b/c I felt that in time things were going to improve b/c his training would end.

AND the kids got older. Childcare costs went down as they entered school AND they slept more regularly and were not so fragile. That improved too.

So I had hope for that and didn't get too frustrated with him so much as I was with how hard my life was. Many family members commented on our ambition but worried for us or my health or whatever. They also admired it and that played into our egos too.


If there'd been no end in sight, and "this is my life??" I would not have made it. I doubt he would have either...I just did too much at once, but I don't really blame him. His career is too unrelenting on families.

OH BTW We DID make a lifestyle change. We moved to a place where our commute was cut dramatically and we each gained about 10-12 waking hours at home during the week. That's a lot of time. Instead of waking at 6 am I woke at 7 AND the kids were not as rushed AND the commute home was 14 min instead of 90 and no drop offs. It was also cheaper to live there so there was some disposable income too.

For our third child, we chose for me to stay home for a few years which turned into 7. I'm still fine with that.

I will not say what's right for all women b/c this was supposed to be about CHOICE and not having the two camps; "working moms" and "full time moms".

We all "work" and we are all "full time moms"...(who are these "part time moms"? Maybe WAWs who leave the kids...)

But there are women far more organized and better "compartmentalized" than me, so I am in no position to say no one else can do it.

I just think it was too damn hard on ME, and it's harder on the woman in the couple, in almost all the cases. So she often is miserable. IMO...

and from what I saw this past weekend after 30 years, it seems like the couples who made it had eased up on some area and either downsized, simplified, or changed their lives to find the elusive balance we all seek out.

How is it possible, if at all, to have some sort of all three? if so, how?

You know my situation. My W is a psychologist, we have only 2 kids 5 and 2, and I am an L (though no courtroom work)

I know it's 2 kids vs 3, but I guess I never thought about it like that. Our MC, my IC kept telling me that what we had going on was very difficult.

They were right.

Also, I did a substantial amount of parental and housework duties as well.

Were we destined to have issues.(not as an excuse) I guess I'm trying to get a woman's POV. thanks.

hope this helps. I suggest if you reconcile or remarry, first off-- HIRE HELP.

Consider it a quality of life thing. Like oxygen...

Make time for dates as a couple. You're doing your KIDS a favor by still liking each other..