LITB, thanks you so much for those words of wisdom, I really needed to read those kind of things. I have been pulling on that rope waaaay too long! I hope that my H realises that he misses me and our girls and our life together. The girls and I were talking last night and we do not want him back the way he was. D14 said when I was at work and D13 was at grandmas that he would just sit and surf or watch tv and sometimes he would hardly speak to her all evening. He also swore a lot about silly things and lost his cool over small stuff too. Our house may be very sad and lonely just now but it is more calm and peaceful if that makes sense?
Lydia, so much of what you said was true. I'm a fixer for sure and I realise that it's a terrible thing now. I can see how I may have been emasculating him and feel remorse for that. I am sure one of his major issues is that of feeling a failure especially with regards to work/money. He also used to have a job of importance in the town and was well recognised and thought of well. I think he misses his loss of status there as he is just another body at his current job.
I am sure you will all be disappointed to know that I broke NC today. I had to discuss our finances with H so left a voice mail and text. He text me back not sure what the issue was. Basically I said that we are very close to our budget this month due to a lot of extra outgoings. We text back and forth a bit about the problems but I decided to call to sort it out better. We talked about some money issues but could not magic a solution. I have had to borrow from my parents but he will not do the same from his mum.
He said he had not heard from our girls and I said that this time they are very angry. I said that they have eyes and ears and their own opinions on what is happening. I said that I had encouraged contact but would not force it. I mentioned visitation in the future and he might have them on his weekend off. He said that would be ok. I asked where he thought he was going to stay permanently and said he will look into that in the New Year. I still do not know where he is staying and did not ask but it is out of town. I made a bit of small talk and was sure to mention my GAL activities in a nonchalant way and then said got to go and hung up quick smart. I did not cry, beg, plead, sniff or any other behaviour like that and I am quite proud of that.
He text me shortly after to suggest cutting our gym membership but I replied that Ds and I are using it (Part of GAL) and said I was sure he would not like the girls to lose our cable/internet. Afterall I said they should not lose out in this mess. I said there are no other ways to cut bills sorry.
He then suggested I look into benefits which I will do (I will receive some help - he used to think poorly of sinlge mums on benefits!) and would give us any spare cash if he had any left at the end of the month.
I text him that I will get financial advice and said I have to go and pick up the girls. he text back 'tell them I was asking for them' followed by 'remember I have taken nothing from the house and tried to keep things ass amicable as possible. Sorry things are a mess.
I did not text anything back (yay for me!)
What to make of all this? Did I make a mistake? We needed to talk about finances but it was me to break NC. To be fair he has always avoided finances so has no idea about income/outgoings. More emasulation there? He just refused to deal with money and stick his head in the sand. He can do that no longer as he will be responsible fo his own finances and our girls financial wellbeing.
Any thoughts appreciated.
Oh and last week I wrote down a quote from here I think. It really rings true just now. It was 'Mourn the man he was, know the man he is.' I'd love to see that man back and I'd love him back in my life. I wonder if he has gone for good or is still there?
