untethering

[25yearsmlc]

Just to be clear, 25: I don't take offense at what you've posted and I think that there is some merit to your perspective.

I also know after reading many (thousands?) of your posts that you are quite sincere in your intentions and that you wish for people to do better in their lives. I am appreciative of that and find those qualities admirable.

I feel like my response to you may have been perceived as strongly worded and I want to make sure you know that it strikes a nerve that has nothing to do with you. While I don't feel that I am being blindly defensive or dismissing the notion of my failings or problems, I am committed to also seeing what I did that was positive and contributed to the parts of the marriage that were going right (I believe this is a part of SFBT - identify what is going right).

I have plenty of work to do..and I don't want to dismiss that or suggest that I am done with my work.

As a L and writer, I like to think I use words with some precision. I'm also direct.

I thought you responded to what I actually said well. Then you added your concerns about what I might have meant, and that's fine as long as you distinguish between the two, and don't hold me responsible for your fears...

and I think you were able to distinguish between them well. I knew which you were referring to.

Your arguments are not insane or meritless, but you also concede how she might see it differently. That sounds like a good position to approach this from; i.e., knowing you DO have something to say, but so does she.

And I've been a working professional and a sahm. I was an Army officer married to one, and then when I got out, to accomodate H's obligation to the military, which I did not have, I became what is referred to as a "dependent wife."

(that's actually the term, like it's from 1887). Humbling, yes. I was treated VERY differently by the "public" when I was out of uniform and that was a shocker.

But I've yanked up roots and done the fun part of moving while h merely showed up at his new job. His work IS relentlessly oppressive in its' way, and he is the hardest working man I know, literally. So there's that.

But that doesn't mean I was on my butt eating bon bons wondering when the paycheck was coming home. And once outside the military, I usually worked. So I've done both. Stayed at home 7 years with our last child and It counts.

But fair or not, it IS seen in a different light for men. You're "supposed" to be the hunter gatherers who come back to the cave with something for the woman and child to eat while she keeps the cave warm and the child safe...

SAH Dads, (which I realize you were not- and that "worsens" this for you)

are an entity I personally have only seen work a handful of times.

4 of the 5 of those were w/female doctor's w/kids, and the only way the moms felt comfortable working was if their spouse was home. The other guy was an artist who followed his diplomat wife around the world. Actually that was cool and they are very happy.

The man has to be uber secure and that requires some sort of outward "success" and though you often werent' both of those things financially and emotionally, you are not blaming her for that. That's important, or you'll be in this sitch again.

I do know one other = a musician who really had talent and got work wherever they were and they moved as she was a military doctor (paying back for her med school like my h) uprooting every 1-3 years...

So I get it. You were only defensive in areas you identified as your sensitive spots.

BTW, as a L, when I got involved in divorce cases, (which I avoided at all costs but still had to sometimes)...

I found I got blamed A LOT for client's choices. That's not bad for the client; it's good for them. I agree that you should let the L's do the dirty work'; that's why you pay them.

Keep the wall between you and your L and she and hers. Let THEM duke it out as if it's almost out of your hands..."silly wacky L's"....

In short, it can't hurt to let her associate offensive or irritating legalities with the lawyer, and not you.

Yes it cost more money in the short run, but it saves a lot of grief, imo. It increases the possibility of a reconciliation in general, And it MAY arguably save you money in the long run b/c of the relative clarity you'll have, as opposed to the

"we did it ourselves" approach, which I have seen work exactly ONE TIME...(no kids and a short m)

Good luck