untethering

[aeolianchaos]

Val,

I am entitled to pursue spousal support because in the course of our marriage, I made considerable sacrifices in support of the direction that she wished to take her career, even at the expense of my own earning ability within my profession.

This was something we had agreed upon doing before we ever married : we would go where the gig was, and if the other person got a better gig, we would go there.

It is about me not going broke as I try to get my $h!t together and deal with the fact that I do not have anything established.

I have not filed for it yet, even as I could have from the date of separation, because I had hoped to have landed some work by now and I recognize that she is not working much so far this year. Again, as in our M, me protecting her from the consequences of her choices.

I'd like to think there is a 99% chance the spousal support issue becomes moot and that I am working FT earning enough to support myself. I'd rather out-create this situation than feel reactive to it.

25,

I didn't write the laws.. yes it is a short term marriage and therefore the period of which she would be accountable for it would also be relatively brief.

I get your perspective about the emasculation question and there is a part of me that wonders if that isn't true. That perhaps even some of my depression was related to feeling a lack of efficacy in providing for myself and my wife.

I grew up in a household where my father worked quite a bit to create a successful business (he has expressed regret that he doesn't feel like he was as present in our childhoods as he would have liked to be) and my mom raised the kids and helped with the accounting. I do wonder if there is a part of my subconscious that projects that kind of dynamic onto myself and judges me very harshly for it.

At this point, my position remains that I would prefer for it to be entirely a moot point. I'd much rather simply not need it. I am hopeful that this could be the case, and there is no way I would take it for the full term to which I am entitled. If I did file for it, I would most certainly waive it once gainfully employed.

I can understand how you perceive the situation as us in it togther and then her contributions exceeded mine. I don't believe that is an entirely accurate perception.

She did EARN more than me. This is true. She did not SACRIFICE anything. She did not drop everything mid-season to pack up and move an entire apartment in the middle of winter while balancing a schedule that involved concerts at Carnegie Hall (a days drive from where we lived). She only had to drive to the new city and start working. This occurred previously when I moved us from one side of the country to another with a smile on my face, while she spent a month working every other day in Europe. I didn't mind doing it, and felt it fair at the time.. but I do bristle a bit at the suggestion that those contributions are without value (I am not saying you are suggesting this.. that is my reaction to being devalued by her).

She did not have a husband taking from her and refusing to contribute nothing. I did not expect to be 'provided for' and did not expect her to buy things for me. It isn't as if I wasn't paying for anything.. like I said our financial situation was very unconventional and geared towards allowing us both the space to work on our craft. As such, we had saved up a significant amount of 'cushion' when we could and I continued to use 'mine' to pay rent and cover other expenses (car stuff, some groceries, etc..)

This year, I liquidated a decent chunk of my personal pre-marital investments to capture a capital loss to compensate for her failure to correctly fill our a W-2 on her biggest gig. I used the money from that liquidation to pay rent and finance our unconventional work-style.

My mindset, because of where I was at with my own earning power at that point, was extremely frugal and I definitely felt uncomfortable about spending money in the ways she wanted to and did. One of the ways I contributed was being responsible for managing our finances/doing taxes.. so my picture of our financial situation and how long it was sustainable for was far more detailed than hers.

In many ways we lived different lifestyles despite being married under the same roof. I would never buy new clothes... she shopped nearly weekly. I didn't feel comfortable spending money on going to eat frequently.. she would go out to lunch with her friends quite often. I didn't feel like spending our limited funds on booze was a great idea, she was probably spending $100 or more on wine every month. Might not seem like much if you have decent stable income.. but in its totality it is clear that I was not 'taking' frivolously as she worked hard to earn that money.

This isn't to say things were entirely equitable or that she did not have plenty of quite legitimate and accurate grievances. And in hindsight, I regret not giving all of this much closer attention. There is a LOT I could have done differently, although I don't know how well I would have without recognizing my own issues first.

The burnout/anxiety/depression stuff complicates things. As you are well aware, that kind of thing can really impede someone's ability to carry out their work and be effective. And Denial tends to be a big part of it, which only exacerbates the problem. I can't deny that I was miserable and frustrated about my career and life in general. That part is very true. However even that was not 24/7. I would have periods of 'up' where I thought that if I just did this thing differently then stuff would change. I would have optimism but it wasn't enough to break the patterns of distorted thinking and impostor syndrome that would kick in after a week or two.

I can see where that may have been very frustrating to her, if she perceived it as a hopeful sign and then it went away. She might have taken it personally and felt fooled by it.