Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[25yearsmlc]

well GEEZUS RICE...

this is a toughie...

okay I get why you were angry and I love his response to your letter. Both of you owned stuff. Good!

Both of you showed change. Good!

So now, here are 3 suggestions or observations...

1) the baby...OMG I re-read that you have a frickin' 3 MONTH OLD?? Well no wonder nerves are frayed.

Hey, NO WOMAN ON EARTH is pleasant with 3 kids at your kids' ages...good grief!

I'm serious-that's a FACT! The lowest happiness reported in marriages is after the birth of the 2nd child, for about 3 years and things go back up again, unless there's a 3rd child quickly and that starts it up again. Not b/c the kids aren't great but bc of the demands...

the relentless demands on time. I cannot imagine doing what you are doing. I was in law school and h was in medical school when we realized we were UNexpectedly pregnant...I finished law school at night and h watched him and I had him in the day, etc...insane and crazy

but if we'd been having marital issues then??? Um, no thanks...not going to make it.

So you are way stronger than most. I'm impressed with the growth.

Yes you are right, you DO have to suck it up as best you can in the face of tremendous pain and regret....

but you know, he is and was NOT perfect and to say it was an "emotionally abusive" marriage is a bit too convenient and in vogue. It's like he read an article or talked to a t and got a phrase to latch onto...

no marriage is that one sided, NOT when the w has kids AND a big job?? Are you nuts???

You were not sitting on your butt watching TV and eating bon bons wondering why the "loser" you married wasn't cooking dinner for you...

you put in some long hours and though I get why you feel your priorities were misplaced the thing is

you did the best you could at the time with the info you had!!

So stop taking ALL the blame.

I'm very direct. Trust me, I'd let you wallow in your self made situation if I thought you deserved it.

you don't.

2) So go become the woman you always wanted to become, become a woman only a fool would love.
Become the woman he fell in love with and be the best mother to HIS children that you can become.

NO WAY won't he second guess his decision. No way.

But then again, you'll be looking forward, not backwards so who knows where YOU will be then?

All we know for sure is it will be a better place.

3) It's clear to me you have to protect yourself financially b/c you are too vulnerable. Period.

Do what you have to do and make it all business, just as he does in the last few paragraphs. Take the emotion out and stay with the facts BUT PROTECT yourself and don't get cornered into being a working single mom with 3 kids AND a demanding job....

but don't be miserable in your work either. It's about balance, and that's not an easy thing to find.

(We're all finding our way with it even now.)

As long as the legal stuff is separated from you personally
---I really believe HAVING a L helps with this, but I'm a L so maybe that's why.

Seems to me that I get blamed when I represent clients, and that makes it easier on the client.)

Make sense?

Best of luck, and I'll keep watching for you to find the real you inside. The woman in you that you want to be is who you ARE capable of becoming...

any woman with kids your kids ages would be highly stressed...knowing you were working those hours AND having kids was simply expecting the whole superwoman crap I used to believe in. We were fools.

I was in that last year of law school, working part time too, and pregnant, and studying for the bar, thinking it was reasonable to "graduate in May, have a baby in June, take the bar in July and start my new job in August..."

That is what my h told people and he was so proud that I bought into it too!

No one mentioned I might be exhausted in March and April...too exhausted to study past 8pm...and that I needed to simply STOP and have the baby...

which I had to do. I collapsed at school one day. Could not get up...got pre-eclamptic and almost lost our son AND me...

so I had my baby boy in June and took the summer off, and finished at night.

God, or My body stepped in and said STOP THE INSANITY...and we were happily married!

I just went to my high school reunion. Many people my age are either doing fine or NOT and seem to feel lost. Many are divorced and estranged from their kids...

Maybe 2 women I know are "superwomen" like you & I wanted to be-- and both have only ONE child, a demanding career and marriages that are intact. They are very organized and well paid so they hire help, a lot.

I don't know ANY woman with 3 kids, AND a demanding career, AND an intact marriage, all at once, now.

LEARN FROM THIS^^^^^.

Don't compare yourself to women who don't exist. And don't let him do that either.

When OW has his 3 kids AND a well paying job, see how kind and patient she is...

oh, wait, SHE probably won't have to do that....and in time, he'll know. He's not stupid.

While I do think you have to move forward, I don't see this as hopeless if you have a long term approach. But you can move forward and even proceed to separate and even more, and still have some hope.

I have 2 family members who actually divorced and later remarried, (albeit years later). So yes, it happens.

Keep the focus on YOUR own personal spiritual work. People can and do change. I have seen it and I have done it.

((( )))