Pretty sure this is a MLC or Identity Crisis

[tested metal]

The W informed me today that she has contacted her lawyer and wants a stipulated divorce and demanded that I call him within the next week to set up the appointment. I replied that I am busy for the next week and a half but will call him after that.
I decided to take a vacation and go see some old friends that I have not seen in 5 years and it happens to be next week. I will not let W's plans affect that. This is part of my GALing.

As for the divorce, I have decided not to fight it as I have very little money and she is being funded by her parents. I am now putting this into the hands of God and praying for the best.

I have realized that I am only seeing a very small part of the puzzle and that hopefully later, probably years later, I will see the bigger picture, possibly the while thing.

I am still scared, and not sleeping much, but I need to face through this fear.

I did a dumb thing and went on a dating site and chatted up a few women, but did not set any dates. I realized that I was trying to make myself feel better by feeling attractive to someone else, which is very selfish, especially since i could hurt an innocent person. I have since removed myself from that site.

I also realized that right now I am very vulnerable and I have been fighting being alone throughout this thing. Maybe my love for my wife was really just fear of being lonely... I don't know. I still wish the best for her and part of me hates her for what is going on right now, even though I know she is in the process of finding herself. GALing does not equal "GALing" At least my W isn't getting my sense of humor in the divorce.

I have used this month to do some serious thought about myself and how I relate to others, but I think that maybe I might be pushing too hard to analyze it and that I just need to be. It will come when it comes, but I need to be open to accepting possible negative criticism. I probably have not been the best husband or friend in the last year mainly due to the stress of raising a baby, working 2 jobs, and dealing with W's drama. Excuses aside, I should have handled it better.

I have decided to pursue antidepressants as I find my mind wandering quite a bit lately to the upcoming divorce stuff and it is sapping my energy and affecting my work and quality of life. I would go to counseling if I could afford it, and I realize all this is normal.

Anyway, I thought I would journal this as it may help put my mind at ease tonight and help me sleep. I have developed a nasty habit of waking up at 2 am every morning and staying awake in bed until 5 am. Usually it is because my mind is instantly racing about al this stuff and I can't shut it off (tried the stop sign, but it keeps coming back). I can't even imagine what W feels like as she has been going through the same thing for about 1 yr. now. It's kinda sad. I feel like I have started becoming the MLCer with the recent changes and I realize that now i am trying to find/create a new identity, mainly because it feels like the old one was ripped away from me. I suppose that's where GALing comes in to play.

Thanks for reading and if you have anything, please feel free to post. Thank you for all your support!