New here; husband left

[Coyote]

I've ben mostly a lurker for the last 6 years on this board (never posted much) but I thought maybe I could share a bit in thanks to those who have helped with their wisdom over the years.

What I find interesting is yet again I could plant my XW's name in your post and it would fit her to a tee. Sorry you're going through this, I've been there too. (Like many others here.)

Does this help knowing that your H fits a pattern? Probably not so much. However, for me, it did help me to find out that the feelings I was going through were actually perfectly normal for this kind of screwed up situation. It really helped to know that I was in fact 'normal' and not some screwed up aberation. You sound pretty normal to me.

When hit by this kind of bomb we often feel alone. Like there's something wrong with ourselves. That there is nothing else that matters in life. Heck, some people even close to us tell us to get over it like it was a high school romance. This is normal too.

Does it get better? Yes, it does. Not over night but it sure helps to make a choice and get started on on doing things differently...now. 'Do I choose to try to move ahead or not?'

If it helps, make a list of things you would 'like' to do but haven't gotten around to doing. Some voluteer work you've been meaning to do? An art class perhaps? Martial arts? Skydiving? (Physical activity really helps here as well. Riding a bicycle to work every day ended up being my thing.)

Yes, you can't control your H, or even coerce him if he's like this so don't even bother (Yes, your H sounds like a typical MLC.) Take the high road. Be diplomatic. Be polite. Try not to fight with your H. Once you start fighting with H, trying to reason with H when they're like this just gets more ridiculous. (Sorry, had to have a chuckle there...just remembering some of the crazy things XW would say...)

However, when they start being abusive tell them to 'knock it off!' or 'That is not acceptible, if you can't talk to me like a human being right now come back when you can and no sooner!' Just leave it at that. (I had to learn that one. XW was a wonderful person before she changed. But she became a person who was not so nice. Became abusive actually. In short, I had to learn to tell her to knock it off too. You don't need to be mean but you must be firm. You're not a personal punching bag. Doesn't mean you hate H but sometimes you have to stand your ground.)

One thing I found 'very' interesting was that in the end it was actually, for the most part, not my fault. Yes, there were things I could have done better (No doubt!) but in the end it was all about XW. (This is quite common, actualy.) It would have happened anyway no matter how good I was. And, as I found out in the end, I'm pretty darn good anyway! From what I've seen, sounds like you are too.

In short, If you find yourself mulling over what you could have done here or there...perhaps it would have been better if I would have done such and such...stop. It was all about them in the first place. They're going to do their own thing and that's that. You just start takin' a look at you. Let H do his thing,

H may comeback to you but then again H may not. Can't promise. But if you don't start taking steps to point yourself in a good direction you stand no chance. Hope this has been some help,

Coyote