Your woe is real. Your experience is real. And you have serious kind stuff going on.
I'm not kidding about breathing.
But you are in overdrive. Try to just relax. Don't worry about your inputs (the board, your ex, your child, etc). Don't worry about your outputs (the things you give to each of these). Right in this moment, just be. Just be Lila. Just take care of yourself for a moment.
Just for a moment remember who you were, who you are, and what's good about you. You might not get a long time, but just take a few moments. They are precious.
If you can make yourself do it every day or even once a week, you'll be ahead of most folks.
I like who I've been around D the past few days without exBF here. I don't know why I've been different - but I have been really loving and patient with her and communicative and stable-feeling.
It's odd.
Tonight, i just did what came natural to me, I spent time reading Corduroy over and over. At some point she talked to me about the characters. She said one of them was "sad" (I don't know how she understands this word) and I asked her about why. She said he had a boo boo and that he had fallen. I said, well maybe the bunny kisses the boo boo and makes it better. She said NO. Then she pointed to another doll on the toy store shelf and said "Mommy." And I said "that's the mommy?" She said yeah. And then she pointed to the sad guy again. I didn't want to read anything into it, but I was just trying to communicate gently with her.
Later, I laid with her in bed a while and got in touch with what I wanted - I don't want her in bed with me. I do want the freedom to move about when I sleep and I thought, down the road - I want to be available for another relationship - and not be the single mom cosleeping with my kid who doesn't get out ever.
So I explained to her that we all sleep in our own bed. She has a big girl bed, mommy has a bed, and that all the people who came to our house (I hosted a family halloween party) have beds, and that she needed to sleep in hers. She said no, and tried to get me to lay on the floor with her. I said I would love to and that I love her very much, but that mommy needed her own space to sleep, and that if she didn't get into her bed, I'd have to sleep in the other bed in the back room. She protested, a bit, but then got into her bed, and hung off it. I said, "Please lay all the way in your bed" And I explained to her that god is always with her and around her. I said even if mommy is here, there is so much love in this room -
I didn't talk down to her, but I think she got the gist of what I was saying, even if she can't fully understand it and, for the first time in a long time, it just felt "right" to me- like this is me parenting my child. This is who I am. This is what I can and can't do. No guilt, no questioning.
I saw clearly that i can get this child to sleep, to comfort her, and to let her know it's all going to be okay. I felt proud of that, and happy to have reached that place myself, finally. And actually trusting that I can get her to sleep and staying asleep at night.
And then I got the email from exBF. It's been pretty empowering not having him around.
if you are worried about the time it takes to walk your daughter back to her room 50 times a night, think about the time you are spending NOT sleeping well and figure it out
it will take a lot less time to help her understand that she has boundaries and you are enforcing them for her
Co-parenting is not about you deciding what you want and then either getting irked because your XBF doesn't do it or being a martyr because he does but he doesn't do it the way you want him too
Please please please do NOT talk to your daughter as if she were an adult...she is 2 do not place your own psychological interpretations of her reaction to your reading of the story Corduroy. She was simply responding to you
I'm still trying to decide about this family party on Sunday. Everyone knows now, but no one's said anything to me, so I don't want to look like an *ss going to this costume party at his dad's house with his step-siblings there, etc. But I don't know. Maybe if I go and have a good time, and just be me, that'll be fine too.
More info about the family party. Who's said what to you about it? Anyone encouraging you to go? Will you be bringing D? If you don't go, will xBF be bringing D? Details please!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
so exBF stayed over last night. She slept all night.
Yay Happy for you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
adinva - that side of the family does things well in advance, so at D's bday party in August, when exBF was staying in a hotel and no one knew, they invited us to three parties in Oct. At the time, exBF and I decided we'd go and it would be a good opportunity for some time together with D. We decided we'd continue to do this sort of thing with our families (I guess what was implied is until we each were with other people). At one of the bday parties, we got invited to a halloween party - but no one knew at the time about our separation. About a week later, ExBF told his dad (who I'm sure told everyone else). I got an email invite recently, but I haven't responded. Also got an invite to a holiday party in December (email - my email address included).
Happy for you.