The first couple responses are fantastic. That is great stuff to continue working on and you're on a good path now for that, from what I can see.
How are you doing with the self trust thing?
What I see is a lot self doubt. For example, the "not being delusional" idea... never forget that your instincts are true and very real, for you. Might I suggest you get to know your instincts. Comparing them to others right now is going to provide you with conflicting information which is not going to be helpful for your self discovery and growth.
When you ask a question here, such as regarding child raising, or personal relationship issues, or career paths for example, your feedback is being given from people who are at best minimally different than you and at worst, completely opposite you.
I can provide more on this at a later date if you need. I really want you to understand... when it comes to your daughter... raise her as you want... there is no right or wrong for the most part... people have been doing this for hundreds of thousands of years on their own, and doing ok for the most part...
My observation is, you still need to work on trusting yourself, otherwise this forum will forever be a crutch for you... we know you like us, but when does LG start being LG and operating her life and her environment from a place of trusting LG to make good decisions... like anyone else, you are capable of making good decisions that work for you and your D and anything else that is pertinent to you...
KD good observation about self trust. My IC brought that up today. She said that I have great insights and intuition but it's like I need validation or permission.
I'm not sure what that is or where that comes from. But it's big in my life.
See, something like this is an example. I was talking to IC today. She is amazing. Gets this stuff so brilliantly. She told me that when her husband (ex) used to come home late from work she would lay in on him. Then she'd cry. Then she'd do something else - in the end, she realized this was his style. He is a love avoider. He is not trying to meet needs with her. That normal healthy relationships address needs - even if they can't be met. They'd don't ignore, or blame, etc. She shared her personal story (she does this, if I ask - she's pretty transparent and that's her style) - She said a lot of people don't know about love avoidance, which is what she thinks is happening with my R with exBF - they make you believe they're giving, but they're not really - and my mother is the same way. These are two "dry wells" she says - and that I really need to stop wasting my energy going to the dry wells and using my energy finding support from giving sources - give and take, etc. (I have recently found more of this with women friends) - she said finding it in all our relationships and having healthy Rs is the key (as we recover and before we again enter romantic Rs) - so when she said that, I realized that I TRUSTED that my rage early on in this R was wrong, yes - I do not want to treat anyone like that.
BUT - now I understand why I felt like that.
We can all justify that men work long hours - yes, men's absences are socially sanctioned. But this was an R where I *chronically* was not getting needs met.
The IC said, "What you were asking for was not a lot." And she always points out the aim in healthy Rs.
I could go on longer, but my point is that a lot of that mistrust comes from
a) trying to "erase" my needs (I was an anorexic for years) b) Beating myself up for needing stuff C) beating myself up for trying to get stuff d) trying to get stuff from people who cant' give
I've done this over and over and over and over - WITHOUT REALIZING IT
How can I trust myself if I'm doing that and need someone else to point it out to me? (and I never put stuff in bold)
And the other part of it is for a long time, my sister would go "well guys are this way. That way. This way. That way," which felt to me like it was saying "there's something wrong with you b/c you don't get men. And there's something right with exBF b/c he is just behaving like a man and so I guess you're SOL" -
Which, again, made me feel STUPID.
And so I got into the habit (long before any of this and in other situations)
I've had ten thousand failed relationships. I'm not a dumb woman. But emotionally, sometimes I wonder.
Like your basic, "He is so nice to me. He really loves and takes good care of me. He wants similar things to what I do. it think we can build a life together" was never my MO.
I don't know why. Again, it might go back to denying needs. Anorexia. Whatever.
I'm now mourning a little over never having taken care of myself in that way.
A friend had to say to me once, "Okay, so lesson learned, don't date guys who tell you they are filled with hate."
(I was once engaged to a man who said that. What did I think, Oh we can fix that.)
But I don't seem to learn this stuff. And I beat myself up more and more.
This isn't to say I'm a victim, or woah is me, I'm just kind of journaling here to get at what that is for me. And I suspect, this is where it comes from.
How in the heck did I ever let myself (fill in the blanks) or not take care of myself?
(I know it's part of being codependent, but I'm not sure I have that full picture yet - and I do know I'm on the path to healing this).
