I so relate to your exhaustion. AJM's post was wonderful.
Well I am past the exhaustion, my children are all grown and I am enjoying them so much. I do not mean they they never give me any cause for concern. That would be scary, and mean they weren't telling me anything!!
It is all a challenge that we are intended to take and deal with. I had cancer 18 months ago, and dealt with radical surgery in my stride. My surgeon loves me!! But honestly it wasn't a big deal. If you can deal with MLC, raising your almost adult children on your own, heal yourself, and be a supportive friend - oh yes, and do a job, keep the house running and so on, you can deal with anything the universe throws at you.
The pain shows us we are alive. Pain is normal. We have a reasonable expectation that our life partner would put us and our children first, and they don't. Shame on them, but then they go and blame us for their short comings. OK they are doing the best they can, but from our perspective it isn't very good right now, and less than we want and need!. But we cannot take on their problems. That is why detachment is so important. We haven't got the energy to focus on them and deal with ourselves. and the more we do so, the less energy we have to deal with our own situation - BTW I was in the slow learner class on this one, so learned the lesson well!.
You will get there IB. You are a survivor and a thriver. Hang in there another year and the situation will have improved, and each year will get better, and you will become stronger, or I should say, more able to draw on your existing strength.
Doesn't Bea always make you feel better? I know exactly how you feel, as you and I are walking about the same timeline. FWIW, I think you are becoming stronger and stronger. I always trust you to take the high road ( unlike myself ) Our kids are coming to grips with this just as we are, and their perspective is probably a bit less skewed than ours. You have been respectful of your children's wishes. XH has to learn to be, and learn he can't treat them as small children to bend to his will. ((hugs))
Yes - Bea has a definite skill when it comes to perspectives! I am honestly just so tired - really exhausted. Can't seem to get over this hump. I am my own worst enemy. Finally feeling the anger is not helping either - it exhausts me as well.
Anyway, I hope I can get my act together before the holidays.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Here's something that should make us all feel good: remember how horrific the holidays were last year? For me, anyway, I was still in a state of shock and numb...and going through the holidays obsessed with whether XH might be thinking of me at all, or sad..especially as our wedding anniversary was a few days before Christmas.
Well I don't feel anything like that woman anymore, truly. I bet in so many ways you guys feel totally different too. Regardless of where we are now, we are SO not those same people anymore. So that's something positive to focus on.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
While I agree with you Antonia - I also don't feel pleased with who I am right now. I don't feel "soft" any more. I don't feel like I am very kind or vulnerable - or like I see the best in people or even in life any longer. I feel as though I am calloused. And I don't like it. It's as if I have developed this tough skin and I can't seem to get back to the person I was.
Sorry I am adding this downer side to the conversation...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB thank you for your kind words: aaahhh the tough skin. Well, perhaps you 'need' it right now. You are extremely hard on yourself: it takes one to know one. About 4 years ago a friend gave me a soft toy hedgehog, to remind me that while I could be prickly, even hedgehogs could be cuddly. i still keep that hedgehog as a reminder
As you move forward the need for the tough skin will dissolve, and you will be back to soft and gentle but with a steel core!! Right now you are understandably in survival mode.
We are all at stages of our journey, and growing and changing and dealing with very hard things. There are so many people here I would like to have a virtual cup of coffee or glas of wine with, and you are definitely one of them. Get a few of the others together and we could have a party!
IB you are kind and vulnerable in every interaction you have with others on this board. I bet you never thought of that, did you? I agree with Bea...the tough skin you do have is a form of protection. I know my doctor and I talked about that before and she said it was necessary until you don't feel you need it anymore. It just "is". Don't judge yourself for having it. Be grateful you are protecting your feelings while they are still so raw. But also realize that you let your guard down all over the place here, and so you haven't lost that ability at all.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Tonight's DivorceCare topic: Forgiveness. Hmmm...nice theory but...:) JK. Truly I WANT to forgive. And I know forgiveness is an act of will - a choice we make - rather than a feeling. I am just not completely ready to face all of the reflective work it will take for me to genuinely forgive. I don't want to engage in false forgiveness. I know it will come - someday.
I know I have said it before - but listening to the pain shared by the now 27 members of this 13-week class is so incredibly humbling. Divorce is ugly - there is no way around it.
I am ready for the weekend - need sleep.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, I think most of us struggle with genuine forgiveness. Perhaps letting go is a good way forward. When it is less up close and personal it becomes easier.
Also I have heard it said, and believe it to be true, that forgiving is a daily act, not a once off . . . . The one I still struggle with is OW. After all my xh is the father of my children and I understand to some extent his broken-ness. The OW is nothing to me, and while I see her as damaged and damaging, nevertheless it is hard to truly let go of the anger I feel.
In the end of course it is we who are healed and blessed by the act of forgiveness. They may neither know or care that we have forgiven.
