Antonia, that's the way to live isn't it? Paying it forward to borrow a phrase?
Life isn't complicated, now is it? You helped two other people and who knows how many others? That is awesome.
As for the voice.. I get it. My ex left me and there was an OM. I am no longer jealous either, but there was for a time, that small voice that said I wasn't good enough. Then I think back to the crazy crud she said. i.e. offering sex if I would initiate the divorce, or trying to get me into a fight with her "friend", or.. the list goes on. It reminds me that it wasn't about me at all. The lies? The hurt? The leaving? The accusations? None of it was really about me. I watched it unfold like a trainwreck in slow motion. I don't wish that on anyone, but it helps me to remember that it wasn't me and it isn't about OM. It also helps to remember that he was the first one that didn't say no. There were others she tried that did and at least two marriages she helped end because of it (besides ours).
I remember to remind myself when I have a doubt that it is not about me. I even get angry sometimes that it wasn't about me if that makes sense
But then I remember that I like people. I remember that I love life. And I remember that I want to reconnect with that person in my life. Me. The rest of it? The other people? They'll be there when I'm ready. There are some now of the opposite sex. But that connection? That'll be a while I know. I do miss that sometimes, but not with my ex. Just in general right?
What I'm getting at is that her actions, although damaging aren't permanent. She's a nut. Or at least was. Who knows now. And I cannot base my feelings on a nut's ramblings. That would be insane.
Get out there and explore what it is you want. Don't take other people's word for it. It's like a big experiment right? You figure out what you want and then you theorize and then you test. Evaluate, adjust, and test again.
Give a go, Antonia. See what's out there. You'll be surprised how many people have the same thoughts and are looking for somebody like you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
