Harrier, my exBF has not been seen or heard from in going on 48 hours. I don't know how to answer your question. I see coparenting as finding ways to transition a family to stability (me getting rest so I can find regular employment so I can move with D and get her sleeping on track). ExBF paying his support payments, and helping where he can. Us all transitioning to what is needed - me in a new place I can afford with work and a sleeping child - time with exBF so that her emotional healthy/stability/sleep isn't compromised. Currently he had more than 50% custody - we were just both parenting D in her space. He's gone now.
Does that answer your question? I mean, that's how I "see" it -that's not what's happening, so I'm just trying to roll with the punches.
Just thinking, LG... putting this out there for you to consider...
Let's say your exBF and everything going on around you is exactly as you perceive... you have a bunch of toxic people in your life that are dragging you down and making your life miserable...
Ask yourself:
+ What do I want in my life?
Well being- financially, emotionally, health wise. A simple life. A supportive relationship with a man, and a support system in a community of neighbors and friends.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
+ How can I remove myself from these people and their influence?
By not going to them over and over again - the well is dry. I get upset that it is dry. My mother, my sister, exBF etc. (my Ic just reminded me of this - these people can't give me what I need - so stop wasting energy on them - go to where there is real giving)
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
+ What do I want from this forum and its members if I just want out of this mess?
Continued support with not being delusional - facing the reality of who exBF is being right now rather than trying to ask for more. Brainstorming about sleeping stuff/housing stuff/etc.
It would be interesting to read clear, concise answers to the above questions... [/quote]
The first couple responses are fantastic. That is great stuff to continue working on and you're on a good path now for that, from what I can see.
How are you doing with the self trust thing?
What I see is a lot self doubt. For example, the "not being delusional" idea... never forget that your instincts are true and very real, for you. Might I suggest you get to know your instincts. Comparing them to others right now is going to provide you with conflicting information which is not going to be helpful for your self discovery and growth.
When you ask a question here, such as regarding child raising, or personal relationship issues, or career paths for example, your feedback is being given from people who are at best minimally different than you and at worst, completely opposite you.
I can provide more on this at a later date if you need. I really want you to understand... when it comes to your daughter... raise her as you want... there is no right or wrong for the most part... people have been doing this for hundreds of thousands of years on their own, and doing ok for the most part...
My observation is, you still need to work on trusting yourself, otherwise this forum will forever be a crutch for you... we know you like us, but when does LG start being LG and operating her life and her environment from a place of trusting LG to make good decisions... like anyone else, you are capable of making good decisions that work for you and your D and anything else that is pertinent to you...
Harrier, my exBF has not been seen or heard from in going on 48 hours. I don't know how to answer your question. I see coparenting as finding ways to transition a family to stability (me getting rest so I can find regular employment so I can move with D and get her sleeping on track). ExBF paying his support payments, and helping where he can. Us all transitioning to what is needed - me in a new place I can afford with work and a sleeping child - time with exBF so that her emotional healthy/stability/sleep isn't compromised. Currently he had more than 50% custody - we were just both parenting D in her space. He's gone now.
Does that answer your question? I mean, that's how I "see" it -that's not what's happening, so I'm just trying to roll with the punches.
Wow. That is not at all what I think co-parenting is or should be. I don't think you need to hear from exbf to answer the question for yourself.
I guess I should have asked you to remove yourself and exbf from the equation. Say you had to give advice to 2 people on how to co-parent what would you say?
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Just to touch more specifically on your D's sleeping, for example... we cannot force our children to have 10 hours of sleep every night... their bodies will regulate what ever is appropriate for them...
put your D to bed at 7pm and she will either fall asleep (because she's tired and not stimmed) or she will toss and turn and fret until she is tired and falls asleep...
your D will either wake up once or three times or five times through the night... there's nothing you can do to prevent that...
your D will get 8 or 10 or 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period... that will be up to her...
if you lived in china, 7pm would be at a different global clock than 7pm at your time zone... the point is, what "time" your D goes to bed is only relevant around YOUR schedule... she will get the sleep necessary and will adjust if something is "off"...
the saying that "kids are resilient" is very true as simply stating that people are resilient... IOW, they operate one way for us, another for their other spouse, and for grand parents or baby sitters or daycare or school or out socially...
We cannot control those other people or environments or how our child behaves and operates in those environments...
It sux when I send the kids home after too much candy... it sux when I hear that my kids didn't get to go to an event while under the care of my W... it sux when the kids go to school and tell me "so and so was mean to me"... but they "survive" and they rebound back...
But no matter what... what I KNOW... is that every person will care for and raise a child in the best way they know how... unless someone is actually going to severely harm (a not so relative term; we all understand what severe harm means)... they will be OK and will adjust to whatever rhythm of the environment we create for them...
So that's my take on the whole "I want / my exBF wants my W's sleep pattern to be..."
Your D will be fine and she will end up being a great kid and adult, given a few or a few dozen years...
I hate to bring this up, but he told you he might be losing his job and now you haven't heard from him in 48 hours - are you at all worried he could be suicidal?
There are folks on the board who attract more 2x4s than others.
There are folks on the board who attract certain 'oldtimers' and certain advice than others.
I think it would be helpful for you to read prominent threads on each forum and then it could become clear to you who those folks are and what those posts are like. THEN you might recognize similarities in the things you post that the other folks post that attract the same things.
You get 2x4s for a reason. Some really seem unfair. Posters cannot REALLY know you. (even if you are connect in the alt)
But you attract them for a reason, and its in the story you tell. Can you recognize it? It's worth studying on your own.
The first couple responses are fantastic. That is great stuff to continue working on and you're on a good path now for that, from what I can see.
How are you doing with the self trust thing?
What I see is a lot self doubt. For example, the "not being delusional" idea... never forget that your instincts are true and very real, for you. Might I suggest you get to know your instincts. Comparing them to others right now is going to provide you with conflicting information which is not going to be helpful for your self discovery and growth.
When you ask a question here, such as regarding child raising, or personal relationship issues, or career paths for example, your feedback is being given from people who are at best minimally different than you and at worst, completely opposite you.
I can provide more on this at a later date if you need. I really want you to understand... when it comes to your daughter... raise her as you want... there is no right or wrong for the most part... people have been doing this for hundreds of thousands of years on their own, and doing ok for the most part...
My observation is, you still need to work on trusting yourself, otherwise this forum will forever be a crutch for you... we know you like us, but when does LG start being LG and operating her life and her environment from a place of trusting LG to make good decisions... like anyone else, you are capable of making good decisions that work for you and your D and anything else that is pertinent to you...
KD good observation about self trust. My IC brought that up today. She said that I have great insights and intuition but it's like I need validation or permission.
I'm not sure what that is or where that comes from. But it's big in my life.
See, something like this is an example. I was talking to IC today. She is amazing. Gets this stuff so brilliantly. She told me that when her husband (ex) used to come home late from work she would lay in on him. Then she'd cry. Then she'd do something else - in the end, she realized this was his style. He is a love avoider. He is not trying to meet needs with her. That normal healthy relationships address needs - even if they can't be met. They'd don't ignore, or blame, etc. She shared her personal story (she does this, if I ask - she's pretty transparent and that's her style) - She said a lot of people don't know about love avoidance, which is what she thinks is happening with my R with exBF - they make you believe they're giving, but they're not really - and my mother is the same way. These are two "dry wells" she says - and that I really need to stop wasting my energy going to the dry wells and using my energy finding support from giving sources - give and take, etc. (I have recently found more of this with women friends) - she said finding it in all our relationships and having healthy Rs is the key (as we recover and before we again enter romantic Rs) - so when she said that, I realized that I TRUSTED that my rage early on in this R was wrong, yes - I do not want to treat anyone like that.
BUT - now I understand why I felt like that.
We can all justify that men work long hours - yes, men's absences are socially sanctioned. But this was an R where I *chronically* was not getting needs met.
The IC said, "What you were asking for was not a lot." And she always points out the aim in healthy Rs.
I could go on longer, but my point is that a lot of that mistrust comes from
a) trying to "erase" my needs (I was an anorexic for years) b) Beating myself up for needing stuff C) beating myself up for trying to get stuff d) trying to get stuff from people who cant' give
I've done this over and over and over and over - WITHOUT REALIZING IT
How can I trust myself if I'm doing that and need someone else to point it out to me? (and I never put stuff in bold)
And the other part of it is for a long time, my sister would go "well guys are this way. That way. This way. That way," which felt to me like it was saying "there's something wrong with you b/c you don't get men. And there's something right with exBF b/c he is just behaving like a man and so I guess you're SOL" -
Which, again, made me feel STUPID.
And so I got into the habit (long before any of this and in other situations)
I've had ten thousand failed relationships. I'm not a dumb woman. But emotionally, sometimes I wonder.
Like your basic, "He is so nice to me. He really loves and takes good care of me. He wants similar things to what I do. it think we can build a life together" was never my MO.
I don't know why. Again, it might go back to denying needs. Anorexia. Whatever.
I'm now mourning a little over never having taken care of myself in that way.
A friend had to say to me once, "Okay, so lesson learned, don't date guys who tell you they are filled with hate."
(I was once engaged to a man who said that. What did I think, Oh we can fix that.)
But I don't seem to learn this stuff. And I beat myself up more and more.
This isn't to say I'm a victim, or woah is me, I'm just kind of journaling here to get at what that is for me. And I suspect, this is where it comes from.
How in the heck did I ever let myself (fill in the blanks) or not take care of myself?
(I know it's part of being codependent, but I'm not sure I have that full picture yet - and I do know I'm on the path to healing this).
