Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

And here is H's email back:

"Hi.
Thank you for the email.
Last night....
I just want to be clear that I wasn't asking you to repeat yourself. I was asking for clarification and an update on nanny and work. I know that you feel that you shouldn't go back to work just yet (which is fine), but you originally told me that about a month ago so I was wondering if things had changed. And the reason I was wondering if things had changed was that you mentioned last night that you weren't going back to work until you found something that fit your schedule. So I was wondering then if that meant you were actually looking for work already, which surprised me. It wasn't me being "eager" and I tried to explain that to you last night.

I'm very sensitive to phrases like "as I told you before" and "let me repeat myself". I just think they're incredibly rude and even if I did feel like I was repeating myself, I would never say it. I don't say it when you ask me to explain finances over and over. I just do it and don't complain.

As far as your email yesterday, I did read it and to be honest, I just forgot why you needed to go. I was so ridiculously overwhelmed yesterday afternoon that it was almost ludicrous. I don't get overwhelmed at work easy, but I was definitely there yesterday. It was just the sheer volume and weight of the issues I was dealing with. So I'm sorry I wasn't empathetic about the phone or the credit card. I will try to pay closer attention.

If you don't mind, I'd like to address some housekeeping items...

Working:
Although it would be easier on us if you were working, that doesn't make it the right decision, so please don't assume that I'm eager or, even worse, think I'm looking for some benefit from it when we divorce. To be honest, that statement got me pretty upset and I haven't been able to shake it. I've always said that we're in this financial situation together until you go back to work. I thought it was only fair that I work and pay the bills while you take care of Nico and the girls until Nico's able to sleep through the night and things are settled down more for the girls. I thought we agreed on this early on, but maybe we misunderstood each other. I want us to be able to get through this together so that we're on better financial footing when we do split up our assets. Making decisions about this stuff is difficult and I don't want you to feel pressured or worried, but it's hard not to when we're in this situation.


Credit Card:
I'm sorry that you got turned down. I think the main problem is that they are only considering YOUR income, BUT they are also considering ALL of OUR debt. In other words, they don't consider that you're splitting the debt. So if I were you, I would have no qualms about submitting the total household income when applying for a card, simply because they are also looking at the TOTAL HOUSEHOLD debt too. It's only fair that they consider both. Since you're not putting my name on the credit card, you're still liable for the debt that you incur on that card. (Of course, I am too while we're married, but I trust you completely.)

Budget:
I'm gonna try to take a crack at a budget, but I'd like you to help. Can you start by updating the spreadsheet that we started back in the Spring with your current expenses? I'd be happy to add in my expenses.

Separation Agreement:
I am definitely worried that the bank will require a Separation Agreement to approve the short sale. We don't have one. So my question to you is: do you want to put one in place? I don't think it would hurt for us to have some sort of written agreement. It can be as vague or as specific as we choose, and we can choose not to include subjects we can't agree on. I think it will be a difficult process for both of us, but it's probably something we'll need to do either way.

I do care about you and I do care what you think of me. I still often seek your approval on most things, whether it's a car purchase or work decisions or how I parent. It hurts when I know that you're judging me or you think that I don't care about you. I'm sorry if I come across that way. I'll admit that I have been prioritizing my own needs higher this last year, but I think that's been a long time coming (and it doesn't mean I'm doing it to hurt you). I am paying attention and I am trying to be more considerate."

any thoughts or feedback will be greatly appreciated!