GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

Punkin it has nothing to do with an expiration date. It's an issue of self esteem, if I'm being honest. And yes I know much self-esteem comes from within. I have no shortage of self-esteem if I'm thinking about my "merits" as a friend or daughter or writer or teacher. I validate myself and others tell me I'm doing a good job at those things too...so I'm good there.

I think if I'm being honest with myself and with you guys, there is a voice in my head that will not shut up ever, that still says that I wasn't "as good as" OW, and that I somehow lost my ability to attract XH because he was so attracted to her. I remember when he left I said something like "but we were having sex as recently as last week...GOOD sex. How can you find her more attractive/desirable?" And his answer was "well it wasn't UNPLEASANT but I was faking it."

And in my head, until some man somewhere who is a smart, funny, respectful, decent looking man has desire for me, I will keep telling myself that XH was right about me and OW is "better" than me.

I don't care anymore what HE thinks of me...but if NO OTHER man who is decent desires me, then it's like the blow he dealt to my self-esteem sticks with a vengeance.

Put it this way: I thought I was all that and a bag of chips, till he told me someone else attracted him more.

AJ your kid comments above are funny but also insightful.

I just had dinner tonight with a colleague I'm just getting to know, and she said she really thinks that meeting someone through a friend is the way to go; that's how she met her wife and they've been together 10 years and really have a great relationship.

I will say that outside the dating dilemmas, I've done two things for total strangers in the past two days that made me feel pretty good (and hopefully them too). One was a woman new to meditation group who asked me for info about a naturopathic physician I see, and I was really open about what I've seen her for and this woman just opened up to me immediately about herself and I found that she is new to the area and doesn't really know anyone, and she said it was so meaningful that I was open and helpful to her because I seem to have come into her life at the moment she really needed the contact. Then tonight at the restaurant, my colleague and I were talking about what I did my thesis on and the bartender came over to say she just had to compliment us on having the most interesting discussion she'd ever heard anyone have at the bar, because she so missed being in college and talking about books. Turns out she dropped out of her MA program at William and Mary because she could no longer afford it and now she was back at home, working as a bartender, and feeling like there was no one who shared her interests. Well I ended up giving her my email and inviting her to come sit in on my classes, no registration, no money to the college, just come sit in and enjoy the discussion. She was thrilled, and she said she'd be in touch in spring.

So at least I made two people's days brighter :-)