OK let's just say, the week before he flipped a switch, he was...
not in love, but loved me did not feel passion was uncertain wanted to stay but go to counseling and figure it out didn't think he could be happy with me
NOW.. he is
In love feels passion wants to stay, not just stay as a trial thing wants to NOT have r talks in counseling and says he thinks counseling makes things worse wants to ML each day, where before he never...
So a switch flipped, within a week's time. HOW did that happen and why? What changed for him?
When I asked him "What changed for you?" he said....
"I never left you, I never left our home. I never wanted to leave."
If that is true, then why in the @#%$$#% did he put me through all of this?
I don't get it. I shouldn't try.... cause this is MLC behavior right?
I don't know what to tell you, but based on what I've been dealing with and what spouses who have separated for extended periods have told me, "they really don't know". Two I've talked to this summer left their husbands for over a year. They felt overwhelmed by what on the surface seems like a large pile of little things that to most logical ( read sane)mind seemed like no reason to leave, a situation that could have been avoided by talking about it instead of internalizing it.
They appear to just get overwhelmed by it all,lock the good parts of their relationship in "hate boxes" and look for anything that diverts their attention from the commitments they can no longer handle,EG. marriage, kids,family. I really think it's a form of nervous breakdown that triggers our primitive "fight or Flight" syndrome, they leave before they totally lose it.
This is doubly strange to us because of what we see as the selfishness of this action. The stuff they could not handle they leave us with double the load we had, and walk away. Coming back from this must be almost as bad as their lead up to leaving, I know if I had done what my W has to me and our Family, the guilt and shame of what I had done would be overpowering.
Is he saying there was NOTHING wrong with your relationship?
Do you think so?
At the very least you two need to come out of this nightmare with a relationship that is stronger and better than before.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I mean, I know he earlier said you fought all the time etc etc. But now, with the switch flipped, is he trying to say this only all happened inside his head, and you didn't do anything, and now it's all better?
I can't tell if you're still in MLC where the switch can flip back and forth, or if you're ready for piecing. Maybe you should read some of the piecing forum and see if the stories there help you figure out where you are.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Advina... As of now, he believes he is depressed and that we still need to work on our m. He thinks he went crazy last summer, but doesnt know why. He also thinks we were mssing something and that is why he was unhappy.
He is so confused, but yes it is like a switch flipped. I dont know if he came out of the tunnel long enougj to see things...and maybe he will go back.
I really want him to continue with c for him. I dont know if he will do this, but i do know he doesnt believe everything is ok now. He just says he feels better than he did this summer.
So h was in a foul mood tonight, out in the garage packing up stuff. And he started to act like he did during the three months of hell. Cold, distant, standoffish for the most part. And although I knew he was just frustrated about getting some things done, I took his mood to heart and got very upset. I burst into tears and just lost it in the bathroom. It took me back to some of his worst moments he had last summer.
Washed up my face and decided to not even respond, but I was disappointed at how easily this gets to me, or that I let it.
He must have detected something, or just wanted to assure me his mood was not related to me because later on he came and told me he was sorry.
I don't know, but what happens now that H wants to stay? Do we move on to piecing?
Be patient. Don't slip into bad old patterns. Let him have his emotions without making them your own. Keep using the skills you used so well the past few months.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
After thinking this over today, I think what's bothering me is his fast turn around from this. It makes me nervous, and on my guard. I'm trying SO hard to be positive, and happy about this, but I am worried that this is just a brief emergence out of the tunnel. I hope I'm wrong... but there's still too many issues to be worked through. Is it possible that he just... woke up and snapped out of it? I don't know. He came home tonight from being gone with a card that talked about being together many more years and weathering storms. Inside he wrote, "I'm so grateful for you".
I think he has so much more to work through... inside of himself. Is it possible my db-ing has been helping not just me, but him too?
After thinking this over today, I think what's bothering me is his fast turn around from this. It makes me nervous, and on my guard. sure you are. But piecing is where you solidify and explore what it means to be in a committed m. You'll feel safer in time, with good piecing efforts.
MC that dredges up how you two grew up or ALL the issues you must work on or stares at the past and the wrongs and assigns blame does NOT Help most marriages...OMG we went to 3 different ones who ALL said h was being selfish...
changed nothing and though at first i felt validated, I also felt powerless. What do you DO when a c tells you that your h is being selfish or acting like a single man with no family?
Far better to figure out what I had to work on IN ME...then I was not powerless. Hence the focus of DBing...it' solution based therapy with short term results....
IF you or he need further c (& imo, of course you both do), don't make it about the M.
Make it his depression and issues for HIM and you go elsewhere and make it about your nervous feelings and MS issues and whatever else...make sense? Both do YOUR Work but don't make it about seeing the past identically. HUGE common mistake in my opinion is trying to agree on what happened and why.
It is NOT possible. I still don't know what happened to my h. But he's back now.
Go from this day forward...but keep doing your own personal work.
I'm trying SO hard to be positive, and happy about this, but I am worried that this is just a brief emergence out of the tunnel. I hope I'm wrong... but there's still too many issues to be worked through. Your Negativity can ruin this. Stay positive. Why revert to negative stinking thinking when the postives were helping? Be forward focussed. The move is a good thing for YOU no matter what happens.
IOW you are NOT "risking" much by being happy, are you?
Why do you have to work on "so many issues" NOW? Rest easy a bit. You are moving to a new place far from where you are now. He's excited about that and so are you. What MUST be worked through right now? Why now? IF he were still unsure, would you insist on working on all these issues?
If they could wait when he was unsure, why can't they wait now? Don't try to analyze all the why's of what happened b/c
you know enough of what and who YOU were, & what needed repairs, to keep doing the work on YOU.
I believe him when he says he doesn't know why he went crazy. So stop trying to understand the incomprehensible.
Since it does not hurt you to move to the new city but only helps the situation no matter what the future holds, then what's the fear? The other shoe drops? Well so what if it does? Aren't you still better off w/a positive attitude now? How does your being nervous or insecure help you?
"BE OKAY" and be here now. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow w/your fears and needs. (Fears look a lot like needs to the WAS...be STRONG...)
Is it possible that he just... woke up and snapped out of it? I don't know. He came home tonight from being gone with a card that talked about being together many more years and weathering storms. Inside he wrote, "I'm so grateful for you".
IDK how MLCs work but this card....This is a GOOD THING!^^^ Embrace it.
I think he has so much more to work through... inside of himself. Is it possible my db-ing has been helping not just me, but him too?
of course it's possible DBing helped you both! Goodness yes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
