My H sent me an email today inviting me to lunch to discuss our D's behavior. I agreed. He did most of the talking, as usual. He did tell me that he understood what daycare and I were talking about regarding her behavior, throwing tantrums, and alot of crying since we split. I tried to explain to him that she was going through grief just as I am. He said he believes 80% is terrible two's and 20% is us splitting. I disagreed and told him ask his friends (females of course) and read up on this.
He tried to push my buttons several times but I did not take the bait.
He did give me a compliment on my appearance. Which he hasn't done in a long time.
When were leaving and standing outside of the restaurant. He said give me a hug. And he hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek. Is this his way of taking baby steps?
Pinning your D's behavior on him is pursuing, I would let that drop for now. The subtext is "If you come back, D will get better" which makes him responsible. He will retreat from that feeling and/or resent you for it.
When he pushes your buttons, firmly stand up for yourself. Don't argue, just don't take any crap. This may seem like its making him angry, but he will respect you for it, and he needs to respect you to want to come back.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Pinning your D's behavior on him is pursuing, I would let that drop for now. The subtext is "If you come back, D will get better" which makes him responsible. He will retreat from that feeling and/or resent you for it.
I understand what you are saying. He did defensive and make a comment something along the lines, "so you are saying that we should get back together for our D sake." I didn't see it when he was saying this at the time. I told him no, that is not what I am saying. I really didn't mean it that way.
Yes, DB is hard! You have to be very careful what you say. You don't want to make H feel responsible for your feelings. If he feels that way, he will feel badly and resent you for it. If he's responsible for your unhappiness, it will be harder for him to approach you. He doesn't want to do the work to make you happy right now. He doesn't want you to expect him to make you happy. If you're happy and don't blame him, you're much easier to approach and engage with.
This is very hard for all of us, we have to do all the work and walk on eggshells. That's because we want to get the marriage back on track, but the spouse doesn't. That puts the full burden on us.
Keep at it, you're doing great. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone backslides, all you can do is pick yourself up and keep going.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
That is certainly an interesting twist... I would say take it slow. For him to want to come back into the house certainly says something, right? At the same time, if he moves back in and the out and then in, what will that do to your D?
You should also know that DBing while living together is a whole new ballgame. I'm doing it right now and it's hard, really hard. The whole "go dark" thing is weird, since you see each other. You want to be nice and polite with each other, yet you want to maintain the DB "air of mystery". You want to keep your GAL going, but now have to take the roommate into consideration. It's just weird. It might be a little easier with a daughter who is so little because you don't necessarily have to "keep up appearances" as my W and I are trying to do with three older kids.
I'd still take it slow though. Set some ground rules and agreements.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Ok. I sent him a message. I probably shouldn't have. Here is the message:
"During lunch today I was trying to explain to you why Bella might be acting out and you made a comment something along the lines, "so you are saying that we should get back together for Bella's sake." I didn't see how you were taking that until thinking about it further later. I understand it now. I really didn't mean it that way at all. Just wanted you to know."
But I wanted him to know that I understood what he was saying and that I didn't want him to think I was pursing. Because I really didn't mean it that way.
How will you feel if he moves in as a roommate and continues to pursue outside relationships? A roommate would have that right.
I would spend some time thinking about it and writing down the pros and cons from your perspective.
Would you want to establish any conditions before he moves in?
Will he accept your conditions?
What will you do if he violates your conditions?
Don't do it because he wants it, do it because you think it's the best thing for you.
With regard to your daughter, she's going to be happier living with you alone if you're happy, than if your H is there and you are miserable.
Hopeful, I'm just a guy who went through a marriage crisis and did a lot of reading / therapy / research / thinking / etc. That doesn't make me an expert. Definitely solicit some other opinions on this, and if at all possible do a session with a DB telephone coach on this site. This is an important decision, and they can help you with it in the best way possible.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
