Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

@ TM - Maybe it is acceptance. Maybe it is me giving up. I really try to not limit God's greatness.. but then again we all have to be open to receive God's grace and love.

@ JS - I completely agree about moving forward vs. moving on. I have always been a "driven" person. Setting goals and seeing that if I met this goal, I have succeeded.. if I go back in any way, I have failed in some way.

That kind of thinking doesn't apply for this situation. I will continue to go 2 steps forward, one step back for awhile. As long as it's still forward, it's still progress.

Journaling - Had a fantastic shoot yesterday. It was a good bounce back after a very tough shoot with the commercial company last week. The director, DP, and myself were very worried going into yesterday. But we came out on the other side on time, with a good product, and a few extra shots! (no not booze.. )

Got alot of "great jobs" and it was a "pleasure working with you". The director came up to me, gave me a genuine "thank you" and said "See ya on the next one!".

Bonus!

I got asked back to work on "House". I'm pretty excited about that.

Still having some troubles moving forward on the D front. Having a hard time doing things that move me in that direction. I used to be afraid that not moving forward meant I was "hanging on". Now I just really don't have a desire to get on that rollercoaster. Life is so much calmer when I don't have to deal with sitch, don't have to deal with w. The longer I go without talking to her, the better and more stable I feel.

Will have to look into that.

Woke up this morning though wanting to put my ring back on. I took if off over 5 months ago because it was painful to keep on. I felt it was stopping me from accepting the sitch I was in.. stopping me from thinking about me. I did it in alot of ways to protect myself when I was very fragile.

Today - I wanted to put it on to remind myself that although I am in this sh!tty situation.. I am still married. My w may think "Our vows do not apply anymore" but I still feel they do.

Maybe it's because I am longing for some companionship. There is a director that I am insanely attracted to. Director/Assistant Director relationships are like marriages in many ways. We have built a really strong one in the past 11 months. There has been no flirting and or anything of that nature. I just find myself thinking about her often.

I don't want a relationship with this director because she too is coming out of a long relationship so we are both dealing with our BS. She is very guarded in alot of ways and I need to make sure I'm not attracted to another version of my w. But I still have these thoughts that are like "well let's just see how things unfold over the next couple of years.. after her and I have completely healed from this time in our lives".

WTF!

Anyway, I do not want my current w or my old m. It was unhealthy and very harmful to me. I'm sure harmful to her also. But I am committed to treating us in a way that is healthy for the duration of our m. Because of that, I feel inclined to put my ring back on?

Or is it another way of holding on?

Or a way to uphold myself to our vows and marriage when I am feeling tempted?

I don't know I'm rambling.