GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AJM]

I am inclined to agree with punkin when she said you aren't stuck, but rather are healing.

I feel this terrible void, and I have these fears that I will "end up like my family" and have no physical or emotional intimacy from a partner in my life. I have talked about the lack of that stuff to my family members individually and they all shrug their shoulders and say "who cares, it's no big deal." I disagree completely.

And for many people, this stuff is easy to "get", if they are comfortable dating or having sexual intimacy on some level with a person to whom they are not committed. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But it's just not for me.

So that's where I'm stuck. I want something that I can't make myself go and "get."

I strongly disagree that you are stuck. I think the pressure is building. Know what? That pressure helps motivate you to cross the boundaries you've had until now. Some just call it motivation while others call it a reason.

Your comments made me think back a little: you won't be like your family, because that is not acceptable to you. No worries there. You'll be different then they are for that reason alone. Their normal is not destined to be your normal. But you'll have to be courageous to get there.

The other thing that struck me were the comments about the intimacy. My IC and I once talked about that. I've noticed it is still a problem even though I did try the one-night stand concept. Know what I found? It didn't work. If I do NOT have intimacy with somebody I really find that sleeping them becomes sexercise. I run and go to the gym - don't need the sexercise. It confuses my brain when I'm with somebody new and my mind is on my (now) ex. That's weird. Creepy and totally unfair to the person I'm with at the moment. Doesn't fit with my values either.

I explored that avenue becuase I didn't know if I didn't like it. I had never done that. I know now.

My IC mentioned that I didn't like having "just" sex because I knew the difference between intimate feelings and just physicality. She's right. I do. I think you do as well and let's face it, once you know nothing else will ever do again.

Did you say I just need to buy a leopard print coat so that women will notice me? I think that's what I took away from part of that conversation but not sure if it's the right advice...

Confidence is attractive. Being easy may attract a few, but I don't recommend it. We are not in HS any longer. We are adults and we have needs, wishes, and desires. And feelings. Dating is more about figuring out if we have anything in common. I never sleep with somebody on the first or second date or heck, even after 10. I want to know them before that happens. That hasn't been easy... Seems some people hang their self-esteem on sex. I've said good bye to several that do that. It's not attractive.

Confidence and good hygiene are attractive. See a pattern...?

AJ