GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

Let's see...I did the "makeover" of sorts over the past year--changed my hair color (actually it's the real color now for the most part as I'd been having it dyed and highlighted for a long time). People I don't know that well have told me they love it--stop me in the elevator or hall to tell me how "striking" it is. One of my closest girlfriends and my mom tell me that they can't get used to it, that it "doesn't look like me." I also have changed the way I dress a bit. I'm a very curvy person and have some extra weight, and I used to wear things that fit loose. I've decided that I am who I am and I no longer hide in shapeless clothes and buy things that are form-fitting and people tell me that it's all much more flattering. I bought a leopard print trench coat and every single time I wear it, people walk up and tell me they love the coat. 2 people told me that last night! I dress "up" more now...never used to wear heels, but sometimes now I do. So these were all changes to move outside the comfort zone and they ARE noticed, all the time...by women :-)

Yeah, AJ, I did get approached in hs. But that was over 20 years ago. I really don't resemble that girl anymore (who does?) in looks or personality. And in every case, those were single dates where the guy tried to get me to have sex and I said no and then they never asked me out again.

I'm glad to know that this is a sort of phase that we go through, as Beatrice pointed out, because that means it's more or less "normal." My friends all tell me that I am "not" normal for feeling this way, but I suspect that is because (1) they have never gone through anything remotely close to what I have with the cheating/divorce, and (2) they all had sexual relationships and a lot more dating experience before they got married.

When I look at the family I came from, I can see why I have issues here that may be more overblown than other people. My parents haven't slept together in over 20 years and don't sleep in the same bed. They seemed to have a sex life only to have us kids and then it ended. NO physical intimacy ever...when dad used to go on trips and he'd kiss my mom goodbye we would all get terrifically excited over that. No "I love you's" or anything.

My brother had one girlfriend and I don't know that he ever slept with her. That was 20 years ago. He has no intention of ever dating or marrying. Single for life by choice.

My sisters are both married. There is little sex in the one sister's marriage. At this point there may be none in the other sister's marriage. The sister with kids has a lot of "affection" in her life but it's directed to her children.

When I was married, I had an amazing amount of physical intimacy of all sorts with my XH and we were extremely loving to one another. He grew up in a family quite like mine--just a sort of coldness or awkwardness about ever showing affection or love--and he and I wanted desperately to have that which we did not.

So the way this works into "now" for me, is that initially I was desperate for affection from XH, but now that I'm not in love with him anymore, I feel this terrible void, and I have these fears that I will "end up like my family" and have no physical or emotional intimacy from a partner in my life. I have talked about the lack of that stuff to my family members individually and they all shrug their shoulders and say "who cares, it's no big deal." I disagree completely.

And for many people, this stuff is easy to "get", if they are comfortable dating or having sexual intimacy on some level with a person to whom they are not committed. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But it's just not for me.

So that's where I'm stuck. I want something that I can't make myself go and "get."