I've sent out some icebreakers and these guys just flat out don't respond. They don't close me as a match, but the ignore me. It's messed up.
And btw - you can't take this personally.
I think you have to expect that the majority WON'T respond. The reasons are varied - maybe he just went on a first date the night before with a woman he thinks has potential, maybe you look like his ex, maybe he's looking for someone who has kids or is blond or dances salsa or whatever!
I know that I stopped sending "sorry, no thank you" types of responses, because it just seemed to piss guys off, no matter how nicely I worded it. So even though I thought it was rude to just not respond at all, that's what I do now - just ignore.
Also - I probably wouldn't say all that stuff on your profile about relationship stuff. It's ok to mention what you're looking for in a person, but you don't want to start sounding like you have a lot of baggage, or are bitter. Focus more on your interests and less on potential relationship pitfalls. The best profiles are those of people with a good sense of humor (love the tongue-in-cheek ones) and interesting lives that look like it would be fun to join them!
I do get that being single a long time is normal, and that it's not the end of the world. I wish I knew more long-term single people in my area. They just don't seem to exist. So I guess what this all comes down to is jealousy.
I am jealous of every person I see who is with someone and who seems to take it for granted. I'm sure I was once one of those people.
I know a total of 2 single people outside this message board. TWO. And I know hundreds of people. One of those single people is a guy who has 4 friends with benefits...so he's having regular intimacy with no ties with women he trusts. He seems quite happy. The other single person is the woman I mentioned above who is just an acquaintance who's been divorced many years and has horrifically low self-esteem. Everyone else I know at work or elsewhere is married, and for anywhere from 10 to 30 years.
Now obviously, some people in relationships are not in a great place. But I guess I tell myself that the fact that they are in a rel., for better or worse, means that they have a chance to be "better." I have nothing in that respect.
I also know that I have a lot to offer a mate...especially with the changes I've made, and the men that were part of my XH's and my friend network for 20 years always said I the wife that "everyone wished they could have because I was so cool."
Hi, most of what you have said in this post, including what is quoted above, I really related to for quite a long. I truly believe it is a phase of the grieving and the development process that we go through. We rethink everything if we are the analytical types, if we are sensitive and raised to be self critical [which has its own advantages and disadvantages[.
It is true that there are few self sufficient single people. I know a few, including a greatly loved aunt, now dead. Two of my single friends have entered into somewhat dysfunctional relatonships because they didn't want to be alone. Another who was fine with being single met and married a great guy,
One of my best friends had a long time on her own and met a great guy through a dating agency.
There are lots of happy marriages, which is good, because we need toknow that this is possible, and the norm. There are lots of less successful marriages where people hang on . . . . maybe they could be better. The pool of unattached men post 40 isn't huge. BUT I agree with all of the posters, one way or another we will meet the right person when we are truly ready. The right person for you may currently be grieving the loss of his partner, through death or divorce. And finally you may end up with someone you never dreamt of being with who makes you very very happy.
That is my beef with some dating agencies - they [rightly probably] try and match similar interests. But those of us on a journey are in a continual state of growth and change. Your ideal mate might be an oil-rig worker who reads poetry. I suspect that the person you meet will not be what you expect at all.
Antonia, you are an amazing woman. You will meet someone very special, but as you have noticed, there are not queues of single men waiting around at this stage in our lives, and I am older than you.
The point about masculine and feminine energy is a great one. I had heard about it before but I think I need to revisit that one. All part of a wonderful journey which I am now enjoying rather than enduring.
If you haven' read it i recommend Louise Hay's 'You can heal your life' I am working through it again with a friend and it is healing her and helping me to revisit this stuff.
but as you have noticed, there are not queues of single men waiting around at this stage in our lives, and I am older than you
I hear the same things from my man friends about single women.
Funny how both sides of the equation describe the same things.
Six blind men describing an elephant?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Let's see...I did the "makeover" of sorts over the past year--changed my hair color (actually it's the real color now for the most part as I'd been having it dyed and highlighted for a long time). People I don't know that well have told me they love it--stop me in the elevator or hall to tell me how "striking" it is. One of my closest girlfriends and my mom tell me that they can't get used to it, that it "doesn't look like me." I also have changed the way I dress a bit. I'm a very curvy person and have some extra weight, and I used to wear things that fit loose. I've decided that I am who I am and I no longer hide in shapeless clothes and buy things that are form-fitting and people tell me that it's all much more flattering. I bought a leopard print trench coat and every single time I wear it, people walk up and tell me they love the coat. 2 people told me that last night! I dress "up" more now...never used to wear heels, but sometimes now I do. So these were all changes to move outside the comfort zone and they ARE noticed, all the time...by women :-)
Yeah, AJ, I did get approached in hs. But that was over 20 years ago. I really don't resemble that girl anymore (who does?) in looks or personality. And in every case, those were single dates where the guy tried to get me to have sex and I said no and then they never asked me out again.
I'm glad to know that this is a sort of phase that we go through, as Beatrice pointed out, because that means it's more or less "normal." My friends all tell me that I am "not" normal for feeling this way, but I suspect that is because (1) they have never gone through anything remotely close to what I have with the cheating/divorce, and (2) they all had sexual relationships and a lot more dating experience before they got married.
When I look at the family I came from, I can see why I have issues here that may be more overblown than other people. My parents haven't slept together in over 20 years and don't sleep in the same bed. They seemed to have a sex life only to have us kids and then it ended. NO physical intimacy ever...when dad used to go on trips and he'd kiss my mom goodbye we would all get terrifically excited over that. No "I love you's" or anything.
My brother had one girlfriend and I don't know that he ever slept with her. That was 20 years ago. He has no intention of ever dating or marrying. Single for life by choice.
My sisters are both married. There is little sex in the one sister's marriage. At this point there may be none in the other sister's marriage. The sister with kids has a lot of "affection" in her life but it's directed to her children.
When I was married, I had an amazing amount of physical intimacy of all sorts with my XH and we were extremely loving to one another. He grew up in a family quite like mine--just a sort of coldness or awkwardness about ever showing affection or love--and he and I wanted desperately to have that which we did not.
So the way this works into "now" for me, is that initially I was desperate for affection from XH, but now that I'm not in love with him anymore, I feel this terrible void, and I have these fears that I will "end up like my family" and have no physical or emotional intimacy from a partner in my life. I have talked about the lack of that stuff to my family members individually and they all shrug their shoulders and say "who cares, it's no big deal." I disagree completely.
And for many people, this stuff is easy to "get", if they are comfortable dating or having sexual intimacy on some level with a person to whom they are not committed. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But it's just not for me.
So that's where I'm stuck. I want something that I can't make myself go and "get."
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I have had many of the same thoughts as you in the past few months, but the truth of the matter is; I'm really not ready. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be. My D25, who is D'd with 2 small children, seems to have no shortage of dates. I haven't exactly had them ringing the phone off the wall. But then I think, 'Do I really want it too?' The answer is no. Right now, I am happy on my own, with my little house and my little life. I don't believe I am hiding or depressed, just satisfied with the way things are at the moment. That's just me, but my point here is that I believe IF and WHEN I meet the right person, however that comes about, the need for the intimacy will return. Call it pheromones, whatever.
I don't think we are 'stuck'. We are just 'healing'.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
I am inclined to agree with punkin when she said you aren't stuck, but rather are healing.
Quote:
I feel this terrible void, and I have these fears that I will "end up like my family" and have no physical or emotional intimacy from a partner in my life. I have talked about the lack of that stuff to my family members individually and they all shrug their shoulders and say "who cares, it's no big deal." I disagree completely.
And for many people, this stuff is easy to "get", if they are comfortable dating or having sexual intimacy on some level with a person to whom they are not committed. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But it's just not for me.
So that's where I'm stuck. I want something that I can't make myself go and "get."
I strongly disagree that you are stuck. I think the pressure is building. Know what? That pressure helps motivate you to cross the boundaries you've had until now. Some just call it motivation while others call it a reason.
Your comments made me think back a little: you won't be like your family, because that is not acceptable to you. No worries there. You'll be different then they are for that reason alone. Their normal is not destined to be your normal. But you'll have to be courageous to get there.
The other thing that struck me were the comments about the intimacy. My IC and I once talked about that. I've noticed it is still a problem even though I did try the one-night stand concept. Know what I found? It didn't work. If I do NOT have intimacy with somebody I really find that sleeping them becomes sexercise. I run and go to the gym - don't need the sexercise. It confuses my brain when I'm with somebody new and my mind is on my (now) ex. That's weird. Creepy and totally unfair to the person I'm with at the moment. Doesn't fit with my values either.
I explored that avenue becuase I didn't know if I didn't like it. I had never done that. I know now.
My IC mentioned that I didn't like having "just" sex because I knew the difference between intimate feelings and just physicality. She's right. I do. I think you do as well and let's face it, once you know nothing else will ever do again.
Did you say I just need to buy a leopard print coat so that women will notice me? I think that's what I took away from part of that conversation but not sure if it's the right advice...
Confidence is attractive. Being easy may attract a few, but I don't recommend it. We are not in HS any longer. We are adults and we have needs, wishes, and desires. And feelings. Dating is more about figuring out if we have anything in common. I never sleep with somebody on the first or second date or heck, even after 10. I want to know them before that happens. That hasn't been easy... Seems some people hang their self-esteem on sex. I've said good bye to several that do that. It's not attractive.
Confidence and good hygiene are attractive. See a pattern...?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hmmm, I think that's interesting...that pressure is building. You're very right AJ that when pressure builds I usually act. Sometimes the pressure has been "depression" building, and when it hits a peak, I usually switch something up to fight back. So it's helpful then to look at this situation in the same way.
As for the leopard print coat, no I don't suggest you buy one to attract women, ha ha. That was funny ;-)
Well thank you for telling me that you don't sleep with women for a long time. My few single male friends have told me that the dating scene is incredibly different than it was 20 years ago and that sex is expected asap. When I've expressed disapproval over this, I've been told "You're going to have to get over that if you want dates."
You know I hear that and feel like there are sexual predators all around me. And you know what didn't help? Last year, I was approached by a much older guy in a restaurant/bar. He told me immediately that he was "too old for me" but wanted to just offer to me that any time I wanted to hang out and just talk, that he was a regular at that bar. He gave me his business card because he was a self-employed painter. I later went home and looked to see if he had a website, because I wanted to see what his work was like or what he charged because I have a deck that needs stained. Instead of finding a website, I found that he was involved in a lawsuit with Kraft Foods, because they fired him when he was convicted of sexual assault. I'm sure it wasn't fair that he lost his job for that reason...but sexual assault? A conviction? I've never gone back to that bar since... because I don't want to run into him!
I think I just need a decent dating experience with someone who isn't looking for instant sex, or a predator, or someone who is respectful and not socially inept to the point where talking to a girl makes him vomit ;-) That would restore my faith in a lot of things...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Why, exactly, to you "think you just need a decent dating experience ..." Do we have expiration dates on our foreheads that are only seen with fluorescent lighting? LOL. Granted, you are not me nor I you ( say that fast 5 times) but perhaps you should stop worrying about dating and what it might or might not lead to, and just be friendly? It may seem as if I have watched too much TV, but I do believe in chemistry, and that when you meet the right person at the right time, you will 'click'. It is not something that you can force to happen. That doesn't mean you have to hide your light under a barrel. I'm red headed. I glow in the dark. Just that it will happen when the time is right, and meeting men in questionable ways and places will only introduce you to questionable men. I should know. I married two of them.
I read a very interesting thing about dating and relationshipsin the book " How to put more "ING" in your life. It basically states that with our relationships some of us tend to put our other halves on a pedestal and expect more from them than they can give, that we have to let go of that. In new relationships we should treat the new men and women in our lives like old friends, drop the pretenses and really show who we are. That way the pressure is of from day one and you are not going to feel pressured later to be anything than what you are.
It's great book that looks like fluff, but really has some good points and is easy to follow, I'll post the authors name up later ( book's upstairs under my pillow ;~)
