Peter, I agree with 2tp's comments but strongly encourage a focus on the "lovingly detach" piece... Yesterday I saw a message that really hurt me, it was the trigger I needed to detach. Yesterday and today I've been much more detached than ever before. BUT I noticed this morning that I had a huge backslide with the kids. Old me came back as they were really being difficult and my anger really got the best of me for a time.
This is the first time in months that's happend and I tie it to the hurt that triggered detaching, Somwhile I certainly plan to continue to detaching I have to make sure it's lovingly and not about the hurt, That I see my W's words as a clear sign that she is done. Not that she is contemplating being done... That she is done. So I have to be done too. If we come back great, but I can't tie myself to this sinking ship of a M. I can tow it behind me and keep it afloat in case she wants to get back in that boat someday, but if I stay in it I will sink too.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
WHG - as awful as this must be for you I think you have to mentally detach and think in terms of your life going forward w/o her. I say this out of compassion for you and the fact that I am living the same nightmare as you. It'' weird but you can want the M to work out but start to look forward to a new life at the same time. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled!
________________________
Married - 24 yrs, both first time Bomb dropped - March 2011 living in same home, separate room EA discovered - April 2011 three sons - 23,21 and 13.
It [censored] about the recent revelation (or lack thereof because it can just be girl talk).
Like most who have posted before, this is where you have to make a decision and that's whether or not to continue to DB or not. You need to understand that if you do confront her, you're giving your W the push she needs to walk out on your M and file that much quicker which imo and to your being here, you do not want. If there is anything to speak with your W about, I'm frankly surprised you haven't brought up casually, "Hey W, I noticed there was X amount of dollars withdrawn from our account. What was that for?" It's an honest question, it's not accusatory and it puts the ball in her court.
You'll be needing to decide if your M is worth coming back from all that's come before and this new news. This is a testament to your vows and your love for one another. It's a testament to how strong you really are.
I'm not the greatest expert, but have you thought about some of the deeper changes you can make that your W may not have mentioned but if you did them, I'm certain she'd notice. Have you thought about not drinking or quitting smoking? These and much more can add to your GAL goals and can be seen as positive reinforcement and positive change.
You also need to overcome control conflict. I understand your need to be overprotective for your family and your W as it is an instinct we all have as spouses, but sometimes you just need to take a backseat and let things unfold while you quite simply, do you. Be there for your daughters and be there for yourself. Understand that in the grand scheme of things, you do not need your W. Heck, your W doesn't need you, but the goal and idea is for your W to WANT you in her life, not need you. Yes, it [censored] and it's going to eat at you but you must understand that it is your controlling nature with information that may or may not be true that drives your wife away. Let it go. Leave it be. Would you want your W to come back to someone that's needy and controlling or someone who's sure of themselves and who they are as a person?
Your W is obviously conflicted on a lot of things, and she needs to do this on her own, without your input and without your control. It [censored], it's tough but in the long run it will be worth it no matter what happens because you can take pride that whether or not your M makes it, you did what you had to on your part. You have to let your W be the one to make the moves. You can't lose a game if you aren't playing it.
I wish you the best NYCPeter, and you have my prayers and hope.
I do want to continue to DB - unfortunately I'm not sure I have the strength to do so. It took all my willpower not to say anything last night. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that if there are any triggers.
I really would like to lovingly detach - can I, I'm not sure. I'm glad I won't really be interacting with her again until Sat, it gives me some breathing room.
She IMd me today telling me our plans for the weekend with the girls. How can she behanve like this when she's with another guy - she's certainly managed to detach.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
I do want to continue to DB - unfortunately I'm not sure I have the strength to do so. It took all my willpower not to say anything last night. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that if there are any triggers.
I really would like to lovingly detach - can I, I'm not sure. I'm glad I won't really be interacting with her again until Sat, it gives me some breathing room.
She IMd me today telling me our plans for the weekend with the girls. How can she behanve like this when she's with another guy - she's certainly managed to detach.
This is exactly what you have to let go of. Yes, we all understand its hard and the information present makes it tough to do so, but if you really want to DB and you want your marriage to make it, you're going to have to do it. Utilize the breathing room to really think on whether or not you want to DB, because by your above post you're clearly not certain. It's never ok to say you want to do something and then include the word "but" in it. If I may break my nerd cred out a little, a little green puppet master of the force said it best.
Peter, I've never commented on your thread but have kept up with it. My strong advice to you is to speak with a DB counselor or your own therapist before deciding to expose the affair. While many of us on this board have been in your shoes & certainly want the best for you, none of us posters are experts. I am very fortunate to be in piecing/reconciling, but it's only after making MANY mistakes with regard to my husband's affair. Absolutely detachment is key, but right now I'm sure you are still in shock, so don't expect too much of yourself right now. That shock will be followed by some intense sadness and anger. If you have any hope in your heart and mind to save your marriage, PLEASE seek professional help with this matter. How you handle things can make or break your situation. I wish the very best for you, and I hope despite the nightmare you are going through, you and your girls can have a fun Halloween weekend together. They deserve happiness and so do you.
If this was just a misunderstanding and C-dawg is just a friend, what do you want now?
If the answers to the questions above are different, do you know why?
If the answers to the questions above are different, do you really feel that way, or was it a gut reaction or a previously held belief?
Wanting to reconcile after an affair does not make you a doormat, your M can come back stronger. That said, we all have our line and we need to be true to our convictions. When you dig deep, what do you really want? Do you know yet?
I would take the breather you have now to figure this out for yourself. Forget what W wants, what do you want right now?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I am truly blessed to have found this site and all the helpful advice.
H - I think you are right, or I hope you are right.
GAL isn't easy for me - I usually don't get home until 8pm, I like to go home rather than hang around the city so I can put the girls to bed (this was a 180/GAL for me when the bomb first dropped). I deliberately don't work from home (another 180) so I can spend time with the W and girls. W works Fri / Sat nights so it doesn't give me much social time. I don't have any friends in the town we live in - most of my friends live in the city, so any GAL activity would involve joining a local social group and not many meet at 9pm on week nights.
I could do solitary GAL activities (go to the driving range, start running in the mornings) - but I'm struggling for a more social activity.
Omega - I think your comments on control conflict are spot on, I also think quit smoking (I did it successfully for 6 months b4 the bomb) and drinking would be a much deeper change. Re: "Hey W, I noticed there was X amount of dollars withdrawn from our account. What was that for?" - I didn't notice until we went to refinance the house - it was all credit card debt she said she built it up and was afraid to mention it to me as I would get angry - she's right I would have been angry but not as angry as I was when I eventually found out.
Accuray - I'm going to give some thought to your questions and will answer when I've done so - the comment you made "Wanting to reconcile after an affair does not make you a doormat" is true - but the key word is "after", while the affair continues (and there seems to be some doubt, though I think the comments make it clear - you don't accidently leave your uniform at someone's house, particularly as she drives) is a complete disrespect to me and our M.
One thing I asked for while we were trying to work things out was that we would behave respectfully to each other.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
I think it's just as important to not feel pressure to GAL either. It looks like you might be feeling it, because you don't know what you can really invest any time into and also probably need social interaction. There's no deadline to GAL, and its ok to be unsure of how you'd go about it. Maybe just stop and think a minute about what relaxes you, or you enjoy doing, or what you would be doing if you had free time to yourself. Doesn't have to be anything out of the ordinary for you, it could be as simple as going to eat someplace you want to go to for you. You almost have to find a way to get lost in yourself.
Don't do anything you feel you SHOULD do in the name of GAL, do what you want to do or what relaxes you. So thinks I, anyway.
I wish you well.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
