absolutely right --- don't dignify OM. In my sitch, there is OW, and i refuse to even mention anythng about her. I pretend as if she doesn't exist - and in my world, she does not.
I have decided though, like someone said (accuray?) that our DBing efforts arent going to work while there is OP.... If you want to wait it out, then you will have a better chance. I'm trying the waiting out thing right now. IT IS SO HARD. But others have done it succesfully. It's your call. But don't confront. That usually ends with S running for the door asap.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Thanks for the advice. I have this sense of guilt that I snooped - yet in the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure why I should be the party feeling guilty.
I eneded up staying late at work and came home an hour ago. W was in bed reading a magazine, we had a chat about the girls and about why I was working late. I almost laughed when she said - "sorry you had such a stressful day", well erm - you caused it.
I didn't talk about it - I do want to think this over. The convo above makes it clear something that happened 10 days ago and obviously happened in the past aswell. Why is she trying to be "more than friends with a crazy person". I always said if she had an A I would terminate the M, not because of the A - but because of the constant lies and blaming me and that "she was trying" - she obviously wasn't trying too hard.
I've gone from being worried whether I receive D papers to being totally ambivelent about it. Why she's giving this up so she can sleep with someone nicknamed "C-Dawg" is beyond my comprehension. Giving up M, giving up stability for our children. Why do her friends support her? I know my friends would "rip me a new one". Even if she wanted to reconcile, why should I.
Oh well - likely won't see her until Sat (soccer tomorrow, working late Thurs night), so at least that gives me time to think.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
4:30 - can't sleep. I don't know how I've not been able to say anything. W has been up all night with a bad cough, I've been restless all night and had so many opportunities to say something, instead I've asked her if there's anything I can do to make her more comfortable.
I finally told her I need to go to the spare room to catch a couple of hours sleep before I go to work.
No way I'll be able to sleep here either.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
It's normal for the LBS to feel guilty when an affair is discovered, know that. I also went through about 8 days of complete insomnia and about 20 days of no appetite after I found out -- it will get better.
If necessary, see your doctor about taking something to help you sleep. Lack of rest will make everything harder. You imply that your wife has not been trying, that may be true but I can guarantee she's suffering as a result of her actions. She's not going to show you that, but she is.
Anything I can do to help let me know. It's the worst thing I went through by an order of magnitude but at least the pieces finally fit into place to explain W's bizarre behavior.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm not sure how I'm going to not bring this up. I struggled mightly last night not to say something, and I know she sensed something was up.
The next R talk, or the next time I wake up and see she's not there at 3:00, or if I do get papers. Do I just say nothing and pretend I'm not aware of it.
She'll of course want to know how I found out - do I admit to seeing it on her Facebook? I'm really lost right now - I don't think I've ever been this low.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
There's no reason not to talk about it if that will make you feel better. The advice not to confront is that W will run away. In this case she's already told you she's going to file and is about as far away as she can go, so there may not be as big a cost to get rid of the elephant in the room as in some situations.
How you do it is key though. I started with the "we're all human" speech and tried to normalize things. Everyone likes attention from the opposite sex, falling in love is addictive etc. This can normalize the situation. Then I just said that for my own peace of mind I wanted the truth, and wanted to treat it like ripping off a bandaid -- just get it out and put it in the past.
That speech worked, although it definitely was not tearing off a bandaid, it was ripping a hole in my soul.
Therefore, be very sure you want the truth before you request it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
"I didn't talk about it - I do want to think this over. The convo above makes it clear something that happened 10 days ago and obviously happened in the past aswell. Why is she trying to be "more than friends with a crazy person". I always said if she had an A I would terminate the M, not because of the A - but because of the constant lies and blaming me and that "she was trying" - she obviously wasn't trying too hard.
I've gone from being worried whether I receive D papers to being totally ambivelent about it. Why she's giving this up so she can sleep with someone nicknamed "C-Dawg" is beyond my comprehension. Giving up M, giving up stability for our children. Why do her friends support her? I know my friends would "rip me a new one". Even if she wanted to reconcile, why should I."
The way I see it, this is your perfect opportunity to detach, for real. To my mind, it is very hard to really detach as long as there is something, anything that you can hang onto that lets you think there is hope. I'm not saying there isn't hope but the catalyst that is needed to help you detach has now been revealed.
You were hurt by her bomb but now you are angry at her infidelity. Use this new found energy as the focus for your detachment. If you can truly let go, with enough time, you may find your W moving closer. I think the best thing for you to do is to "lovingly detach". No angry words, just time and distance. Give her and yourself space. Grow for yourself, do your 180's, GAL, etc. With the space, your W may come to find that she misses you and becomes more attracted to you because of the changes you have made.
So, give it a shot. We'll all be rooting for you!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
