Just got some new inspiration from Susan Page's "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together."
I am determined that this relationship I am in will be all I need for it to be. So much is depended upon my thoughts, attitudes and behaviors. I can't change my man, but I can change myself. He is pretty wonderful in so many ways and as long as he's willing to stick with me, I'll stick with him and find a way to be content.
Hopefully, he will change in response to changes he sees in me, but if not, I'll make it work anyway.
Well, we're at a stalemate again. I know what I can do and say without getting him upset. It really makes NO difference to him if I hug him, tell him how much I love him and appreciate him and how important he is to me. He gladly gives and receives casual hugs and sometimes a "friendly" kiss.
I mentioned a few days ago that I was starting to get hungry for a "real" kiss. Last night in the parking lot where I picked up my daughter, I hugged him andI asked him when I could have another kiss. He looked away and said he didn't know, but "not now". He walked to his car and I said, "Soon?" and he didn't say anything. I got on my phone and called him and asked if he just never wanted to kiss me again and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I told him it was important, but he insisted that he didn't want to talk, to I hung up. A while later I called him back and tried to pry into his mind. He said he is not physically attracted to me, he doesn't want to kiss me and he doesn't want me to ask him to kiss me.
That leaves me with only the option of trying to put him in a situation where he can kiss me (sufficient privacy) and "stealing" a kiss and hoping he gets into it like he did last time. Last time he was at my house (he won't let me come to his) and we had supper and I led him to my bedroom while or little girl was on the computer and I sat him on the bed and all I wanted was for him to LET ME KISS HIM. After about 5 seconds, he was kissing me back and started touching me in ways I hadn't expected. I think it went so much better than I could have dreamed and it was incredibly satisfying for me. It was almost like "old times".
I can re-create that situation. He likes to come to my house and make sure it is tidy and he also likes to eat my food. I will not expect him to "kiss me back" and take it further. I just want him to let me kiss him for a minute or so. I could even set a timer!! He could, if he wanted, sit in his car with me like we used to and let me kiss him when I'm picking up our daughter.
We create our relationships. We should be able to create a MUTUALLY satisfying relationship. I am willing to take a LOT LESS than I would really LIKE and I want him to GIVE a little MORE than comes naturally. I love him and I'm not looking to totally change his nature, but I would like for him to stretch out of his comfort zone just a LITTLE. Nobody else would settle for as little as I'm willing to. But we BOTH need to find a way to get our BASIC NEEDS met.
Yes, I have read the DB many times and I'm also reading The Divorce Remedy almost every day.
Yes, I know I screwed up. But I don't think I can push him much farther away. He's not going anywhere. He's committed to me and our child. But I do want him to come CLOSER. I want him to be with me out of DESIRE not OBLIGATION.
I called him last night and made things better. I told him I was sorry and ashamed for how I acted the other night and I know that HE doesn't act like that with ME, which I'm grateful for. I should't have been annoyed with him and I should have honored his feelings rather than PUSHING him. I think he is a jumble of conflicted feelings and he just wants to find a spot where I'll let him be comfortable and be himself and sort things out in his own time and in his own way. When I FORCE him to give me an answer NOW, it is always the opposite of what I want to hear. And I know that is exactly what I deserve.
I told him I was making a PROMISE to be more honoring of him. To not act like I did the other night. I told him there is nothing wrong with me remembering how much we used to enjoy each other and wanting us to enjoy each other again. Or with me finding him so wonderful and attractive and WANTING his kisses. And there is nothing wrong with him feeling whatever way he is choosing to feel. I asked him to be patient with me and even if I don't ask him for a kiss, I might try to "steal" one someday, and for him to not get mad if I "test the waters" from time to time. But I will definitely back off QUICKLY if he makes it clear that he doesn't want to talk, or whatever it is that I'd like to do.
I told him I want him to be able to relax and be comfortable in our relationship and I know he couldn't do that if he knew he couldn't trust me to respect his feelings and his wishes. I knew at the time I needed to back off, it was CRYSTAL CLEAR, but I chose not to. I chose to "get my way" and force an explanation out of him. I DO want to understand WHY I have become so unattractive to him. I want to know WHY he used to do all the things he used to do that made me feel like I was loved. What changed? What can make it better? But he doesn't have the answers. I get extremely annoyed when my kids keep asking me the same question over and over after I already said, "I don't know" and even worse, when they ask "Why???" when they really need to take "no" for an answer. A little empathy goes a long way in a relationship.
He does so many things "right". He treats me well. He's a good father. He does care for me even if it's ILYBINILWY . Maybe he'll develop those romantic feelings again, maybe not. That's up to him. But me getting frustrated with him because he doesn't feel towards me like I think he SHOULD is keeping him from having any desire to move in that direction.
So, I think we're good now. Back on track. And I have made a solemn vow to do better from now on.
Hi Lydia, I'm all very new to this so don't have much advice but you seem to have been given some food for though with some challenging questions from other members. I wish you well in your relationship. Keep us posted.
Okay, time to give up on having any kind of emotional intimacy with this man. I've had enough. I'm moving on. I am going to encourage him to go to counseling with me so he won't give me a hard time, like he has done about me getting involved with another man.
I'm going to need some serious therapy and probably anti-anxiety drugs and I am sure the only way to get over hoping to get back with him is when I have connected with someone else who meets my needs.
we have a good friendship and co-parenting relationship and I will maintain that and just get my intimacy needs met elsewhere.
I did have figured out how if he had intimacy issues, why were we really so intimate at first and if he has commitment issues, how can he have been so committed to me and our child???
The answer is that he can't do both at the same time. And if I can only have one or the other, I'd rather have the commitment from him.
I really think we could have worked something out if he wanted to, but he doesn't seem to even want to want to.He just wants to maintain the status quo.
I try not to be, but I am angry at him for not putting some effort into helping us to have a mutually satisfying relationship. But I'm going to be putting enormous effort into breaking out of this and building a healthy relationship at someone else.
I am trying to expect that all things are going to work out for the best.
Susan Page's book, "If I'm So Wonderful, Why am I Still Single" is great.
I also am remembering that this shouldn't be as traumatic as a divorce situation since we have never lived together or been legally entangled beyond child custody and support issues. That will not change.
I have asked him to keep her one more overnight a week (I usually get her at 8:00 on Tuesdays after she has been in preschool and he picks her up after work till after supper). This will give me Tuesday Night and Friday night to work on meeting and dating, or just GAL.
I may not be able to offer much help as I'm new to this myself, but I can relate to your sitch on a number of levels. I am not legally married (and I have questions about our common law status due to a recent ruling) but I have so many issues involving the hurt, despair and resentment that comes from being in a relationship with a man that doesn't feel or act fully committed. All that as well as the religious guilt that comes from being involved with a man that hasn't committed to making a union before God. I am also going back and forth with my emotions. Holding out for hope, believing that he will see the error of his ways once I am no longer attainable.
The most important thing that I realized was that I had to start living for me. When you have children, they watch much more than they listen or talk. Although we both want our relationships to work because it is in the best interest of the children, your actions have to reflect reality. If he decides that he wants to be with you, is he in a position to fulfill your needs? Would he really be committed to you, or would he be reacting out of panic? Would it be because he was merely being territorial?
Things haven't been going so good, and part of that is because you haven't been focusing on the things that you need to do for yourself. I know this all too well. It is going to be a hard, long road, but it really is what you need to get yourself back. You have a child together, so he will always be involved on some level. The more time that you spend trying to imagine what could have been, the less time that you spend on focusing on a real future.
Some people are just resounded to living their lives for the here and the now as they see no possibility of change. Sometimes a gentle or even hard nudge is needed to get them to realize the truth. He may or may not be one of those people, but now that you accept the situation for what it is, you have the power.
I recommend you read the book He's Just Not That Into You. And yes, you deserve someone who ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE YOUR MAN, no need to settle for anything less. You're worth more than this.
