Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

This evening, another backslide. I had been doing so well the last few days...

I sent him email in the afternoon asking if he could watch kids later while I went to apple store - my phone was not charging. An hour and two emails later he responded "that's fine, of course."

When he arrived and while I was getting ready to leave, he asked about the girls swimming classes - it's seriously the 4th time he asks the same questions about that. It shocks me that he won't register after detailed conversations about things.

This has been a HUGE issue for me throughout our marriage, for years now... he just does not listen to me. And I know him. When he is interested, he is all ears and very attentive. But for some years, he just doesn't care what i have to say. It's just not important to him and it makes me feel invisible, worthless, hurt and rejected. I have been angry about this for a long time.

So tonight it triggered me and I repeated the same info I had told him previously, but with a hurt tone and told him we had talked about it before, a couple of times. This was a bad thing to say. He seemed frustrated about my tone and complaint, so he was not really listening to what was making me upset.

He then proceeded to ask why i needed to go out. I asked with a hurt tone "did you even read my email?" he said "yes I did, but i just don't remember. " He could tell I was upset, but I got over it and proceeded to get ready. I thanked him for watching kids and left.

When I got back, I brought him soup from the store - he had said he didn't feel well, so I got him the one he liked. No thank you or anything.

I told him I had bad news - my phone was dead and I needed a new one, which would cost money and be a hassle, plus I lost most of the photos I have taken of our 3 month old baby... lot's of them lost forevery - I felt like he showed no empathy and said "If you need it, get it."

I also told him my credit card application was declined because my debt to income ratio was bad (he had suggested that I get my own card, since he wants us to separate our finances / spending and I am only an authorized user on our cards - all are in his name. He also showed no empathy either about that. Just said to apply at another bank and added "anything else?" He seemed eager to leave.

I told him there was one more thing I wanted to discuss - how we should let the nanny go. He said he was concerned that I would be alone with kids all day (made me feel like i would be a danger for kids or something). I ignored him and told him we didn't have a choice, since I didn't have a job and we could not afford her. He asked why not keep her part-time until she could find a job. He then asked why we were firing her - this is the third time we talk about this subject as well.

So I asked again if we would make a budget to see if we could afford that. (I have asked him a few times since he left and he always ignores my request). He played dumb and responded "I already made one." He only made a balance sheet, so I replied "I meant a balanced budget, so we can try to get our spending under control." He gave me no answer to that.

Now, please understand that he was an Econ major in college, he worked as a CPA and has always been very controlling and anal about money, spending and making sure he keeps track of all the money. He is completely paranoid about our credit history and has always been extremely stressed out about finances. So I know he doesn't want to do a budget because he doesn't want to restrict his spending with OW or have to show me exactly how much he spends. I pretty much know, since I check our checking and credit cards online every month...)

He then asked when I am going back to work. This is the fourth time he asks me this as well.
I finally snapped and asked very irritated why he asked me again, why is he pressuring me and why the hurry? I said I had explained it before, so I have to wonder why he is so eager. Is it because he told me a month ago that he is just waiting for me to go back to work to file for divorce. He didn't deny it, just said "that doesn't mean I am eager."
I interrupted and made a snide comment "LIke I said before the reason why I am not working is because our son is still not sleeping through the night, the girls are also struggling and waking up at least once at night, I am not sleeping at night and I am not going back to work until they start doing better emotionally."

He then complained I always interrupt and he just can never talk to me. I said " yes, you have made it very clear that I am not the way you want me to be."

He raised his voice and I asked him not to and told him it was not all me - we both contributed to our bad communication and that it was just not 13 years of abuse on my end. He did things too and i wished that for once he would accept having at least some part of responsibility - he changed subject and came back saying that as long as i was making snide comments, he would not even talk to me
He ended walking out of the house and going home.

I blew it again - back to zero, reset the clock and start from scratch. I don't know if i will ever succeed at this. My emotions are too strong - the way he treats me sometimes hurts sooo much and trigger me so quickly. He was so indifferent and kept asking questions about things we have talked about before, repeatedly and in detail. I feel so disrespected, hurt and rejected that I mean so little to him that he won't remember hardly any meaningful conversation with me.

It hurts because I know him - when he is interested, he gives his undivided attention. And he has admitted in the past that he just gave up and stopped caring and just zoned me out... My problem? That I still have expectations for how he treats me because some days he is so nice and friendly. And I should know better and just be ready, not expect anything and not let that trigger me.

I feel terrible. I am so weak sometimes and just hurt him so much. How can he trust me if I get angry again and again. I wouldn't. It doesn't matter why I am angry, he shuts down regardless of the reason. He just cannot get away fast enough. It validates him, his leaving and all the reasons why he feels our relationship is not fixable. And I cannot argue. I fell down again... Time to get up from the floor and try again.

I am so hopeless and sad right now. I understand clearly and rationally what I have to do and where I fail, but I keep failing. My brain gets it, but not my heart. My emotions still rule me. I hope this new therapist can help me. After 10 months, H and I STILL have the same old, crappy and unhealthy arguments and interactions and tonight was another one of them.