Antonia, you are being very self critical. You're coming across as nervous.
But what you're missing is the excitement aspect. You're focused so much on finding that you're missing the fun of the chase. Those awkard moments. Those horrible first dates. That first kiss with a beautiful human being. That tenderness. That vulnerability. The exhilaration of it all.
You seem to be caught up in the goal and not the event.
Take a breath. Look back at what you're learning here. You're expressing doubts. You're expressing fears. You're over thinking some of it. But if you look closely, you are thinking about things and how you want to be. To be and to be seen.
You want to be accepted by a romantic interest but you are not yet sure of yourself.
Some of what your xh says still stings. Dig into that. Find out why and what you do or do not need to change about you for YOU. Not for some guy you can fool into liking you.
God created you as He intended. He created another for you to love and be loved by. He likely created many actually. Your xh is not it. He cannot handle it. But there are others that can and will thrive off of what and who you are. Really.
First things first. Did your xh really know the real you? Did he just know the you he wanted you to be at the time? Who and what are you now? Where is the real Antonia?
Because that is the person that somebody will love. That is the somebody that will figure out how to approach you. That is the person that will attract the "right" person.
The other facets of your life speak to the rest of you. The effort you are putting into this speaks to the person you are and the desires you have.
You only want what you dont have right? It'll be there though. Believe that.
I know lots of guys that want that kind of woman. A real woman. One who knows herself. I'm one of those. I do not and never did want a robot or an actor. I highly value a real person. One who wants to be there. I don't really care if she is a garbage collector or a Uni Professor. I prefer the latter because I prefer a person I can talk to. But the occupation is not important to me.
I'm a man. And I'm single.
In your area, you see others as they want you to see them. Somebody once said that if everyone took their issues and problems and put them in a pile, they would want their own back. I find that to be true. No matter what you see, you only see what they want you to see.
The fun of dating is to get to know somebody and see who and what they really are. Warts and all at some point. Hopefully not too quickly
Relax. Have fun. Embrace. Let your light shine. Men can't resist that. Heck, women can't either.
Oh, and eHarmony is not a good measure of who you are. None of the online sites really is. Life is messy. Get your sleeves dirty and go see for yourself.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
