Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[In_Shock]

I don't know....I'm SOOOOOOOOO frustrated with myself continually. I get revved up to be strong and then she comes home, and I crumble and do something stupid like some sort of R talk or whatever.

I seem to have no control over this -- it's the most frustrating thing in the f'in world at this moment. I push her further out the door....further to the OW.....

In reflecting, i wonder though, if subconsciously I'm doing it in order to get a separation. While I consciously do NOT really want it, I've become convinced it is the only way I can begin to heal.

And another thing I've noticed is that many DBers say your best efforts, 180s, etc.... can all be spot on, and if there is OP involved, nothing works.... I'm seeing that clearly right now.

I have done SO many things well. She has acknowledged my changes, (doesn't believe them, but at least noticed), I always try to look my best, try to be pleasant, etc...... I have avoided R talk for the most part (but every now and then something in me just goes bat-sh!t and it comes out!!!!

I am my own worst enemy, but really..... I do NOT want my S to have to live somewhere else and only be with me part time. W has NEVER been his primary caretaker. She has no clue. I cannot stand the thought of tearing his world apart....(WAS, how in the world do they justify their choices when kids are involved???)

I'm tired of being in this dark place. I keep picking myself up again and trying....but i keep messing up. OMG. Just ramblings.... Tired. SO tired. Want to mend my family. W always reiterates she's 'done'. Feels nothing when she looks at me. Has no interest in being with me. Has OW.

Just saying 'we're broke up' --- makes you free after 13 years and a child????? I really really have been reading about detatching. I intellectually understand it. Emotionally i can't seem to master it.

Keep on doing the best i can, which unfortunately seems to be pushing her out the door..... GOtta schedule another session with the DB coach. I only have one left. Need to make a list and make the most of it.