Looking for the silver lining...

[irishblessings]

Antonia - I can see what you are saying. I'm probably not to the point where I can actually "thank" X for the break. I agree the test could come later - but the chance of us throwing ourselves at the Xs would be very slim - at least for me - at least I think. I honestly can't believe how long it has taken me to be ok with this anger I feel. I mean seriously - it's going on 18 months since he left - 24 months since the bomb - and 7 months since the divorce was final.

Today S told me that he wanted me to take him to his BB showcase next weekend. His Dad thinks he is going to go with him but S says he is not ready for a long trip with him. I told him that he owes his dad a phone call to let him know his feelings. I know XH is going to call me or email me and tell me I need to "force" son to go with him. I really don't feel like I can do that - I don't feel as if it is my place. It is not that I don't want them to have a decent relationship - it's just that S is almost 18 and XH set up the language that their time together is to be agreed upon between the two of them. I'm just not going to get in the middle of it.

I hope I'm doing the right thing - it feels like it is.

[dl443322]

IB, You are doing the right thing.

Your son is old enough to figure out his relationship with his dad.

This is a boundary that I set early on. Son was 17 when this blew up. I have not ever said a bad word about his father, nor was he privy to everything that transpired.

I let my xh know that I was not going to be involved in their relationship and will not get in the middle. I told xh that this is his relationship to forge or not. His choice and son's.

It is a boundary I did not allow to be broken.

My son was very angry for a long time and say xh sporadically. Slowly, as time went on, the anger has dissipated and they have become closer which was always my hope.

Their relationship is far from perfect, but, it is one in which they have have figured out.

Make it very clear to your xh that you respect your son and will not be pulled into their relationship.

And then get out of the way.

You can do this.

[dl443322]

edit - saw xh sporadically

[irishblessings]

Thanks Brooke - keep your fingers crossed!

[beatrice]

Don't know if i did something 'wrong' but I tried to follow your advice Brookie, and my kids are still very very estranged, especially my youngest who was 18 when it happened.

But my xh did do and say some terrible things. I did not condemn him, but equally I did not trivialize them, which I think was right. My kids have said that my holding it together and being real was very important for them . . . . still i wish relationships were better for everyone's sake.

Example of awful thing was my xh ringing up his youngest on his 21st and screaming abuse at him until son put the phone down . . . . . There are many others but i have tried to forget them. this one sticks in my mind though.

[dl443322]

You did nothing wrong, Bea, my friend.

I was lucky in that sense that my xh did not do those kinds of things to my son. My son has also told me that my holding it together was important to him.

My xh and son do not have the kind of relationship they had before this, of course. But, it is getting better and better. My son has told me that the way I have acted has helped this.

My son will not forget that his dad left him. That is something I cannot do anything about, unfortunately.

I am sorry your xh has done these things to your children. Shame on him.

Bea, there really is nothing you can do to chane their relationship with him. Only he can do that.

And I know you have been a source of strength for them and have acted with dignity and courage.

[AJM]

IB, your son is almost 18?? What exactly do you think you can "force" if you H were to ask? Just how would you go about forcing an 18 year old to do something?

I just want to know so I can bottle that and sell it

I agree completely with the others. When it comes to teaching the child anything, your time for that is over. The only thing you can do now is lead by example. Take the high road, and treat him with respect and as a mother. Let the rest work itself out between him and his father. It won't be fun nor easy, but it will be what it is...and it will be how it should be. Don't get in the way.

AJ

[irishblessings]

AJM - your post made me smile:) I feel confident that I have definitely NOT gotten in the way:) It's just totally exhausting - I'm back to not sleeping well. Work is tough - raising a 17 year old / planning a wedding for my oldest D / my middle D is in her 4th year of college. I love them beyond words - but I am tired:) Work is going through ridiculous challenges. If I were being honest = I want someone to share my life with = something to look forward to....

And so it goes:)

[AJM]

I get it IB. I really do.

I recently took a new job at a mortgage insurance company in the US. Can you imagine the stress for a minute? To top that off, it's a new role (to me) and has international responsibilities. I have a daughter that won't speak to me (espouses her mothers feelings towards me in her emails - nice). She's in High School. We used to be very close, but I sense danger to her in pursuing her. I have a 14 year old son that needs my guidance. I have a house that my ex left that I have to pay for. I have an ex that still spews hatred and acts like she would like nothing better than to push me off or under this rock we live on. I have two ailing grandparents (my mother died when I was 16 and was an only child which leaves my sister and I to care for them.) My grandmother recently broke her clavical and didn't tell anyone it hurt for close to a month. She lives in Calif and I'm on the east coast in NC. My brother in law is undergoing tests for his heart and lungs and spent a week in the hospital recently.

My ex left when I needed her most.
I recently broke up with a long time gf because I wasn't ready (too much to deal with; can you imagine?)She has been calling me because she is going through a rough time and needs help. Her BFF's husband recently died of an anyeurism outside a gay club.
I have a friend and his family living with me while they find a house. He has a teen daughter who is now living in my daughters room. I cleaned it out and found her old diary which really hurt because of the pain she expressed at her mother's behavior and the breakup of the family.

Oh, and I had to figure out how to get my son from his mom's to the house and get him dinner tonight.

I don't come by the comments lightly if that helps.

Life is good IB. Enjoy the time with your kids and don't let anything get in the way of that. Your daughter will only get married once (the first time and hopefully only once). You should be a part of that and celebrate the process as much as you can.

And along the way, do your best for your kids. Give them the gift of a relationship with their father that doesn't include you or your thoughts. The only way I can think to do that is to stay out of the way where it concerns him. Otherwise they'll pick up on what you are thinking and try to protect you.

Keep perspective and give your daughters the gift of love. You are their mother and they deserve so much that only you can give them.

Bring life on, I say. Let it rain, let it pour, let it be sunny and warm. But bring it on. The highs and the lows. Because that's what makes life worth living.

Don't miss it by overthinking it or making it complicated. It'll pass you by if you focus on the wrong things, right?

Peace,

AJ

[irishblessings]

Absolutely BEAUTIFUL thoughts AJM!!! I agree with you regarding my kids - I have, for whatever reason had a really enlightening week regarding decisions I have made. I would have traded ANYTHING - including my self-respect and esteem - to keep my family together. It is, in my opinion, what is ultimately the greatest gift you can leave on this earth. Since I have been unable to do that - I have decided that it must be my most important focus to provide whatever structure I can to create this new definition of a family. I will admit to you that I AM lonely, I miss sharing my life with someone, I want so much to have someone care for me. BUT I have TOO many blessings to dwell in what I miss. I am grateful and very, very, lucky!