Just wanted to chime in, Chaos, and let you know that I'm pretty much in the same place as you are. When we start out in our sitches, we land on DB.com writing (sometimes literally) "I will do absolutely anything to save my M!" Then months go by of dealing with someone who seems to have a complete lack of respect for your needs and emotions. Then that "gotta-save-my-M" attitude gets worn down awfully quick.
Eventually, the LBS has to get to a point where he/she decides, "You know what? I'm worth so much more than this." I think that this is a healthy place for an LBS to be in. No longer do we feel %100 bound to our WAS. Now we're starting to think for ourselves and make decisions that are right by us, no matter what the WAS thinks.
As for your very last question, I lean more toward the latter option. Why keep her in the loop? (Then again, I'm not even close to approaching the D process, so maybe someone else should take that one.)