The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

To catch up....

I feel like I'm having a mini-breakdown (although to me it doesn't feel mini). Plodding along for 3 years.....trying to DB and doing well sometimes with that....and sometimes not so well. Lately, it has been very tough. So...I scheduled a talk with a DB coach tomorrow and then I have a dr. appt. monday to finally get some depression meds. I've put it off and put it off (worried about side effects - whatever they may be!).

Had a bit of a low spot on Sunday with H. I have not been the best DB'er of late. I find myself feeling SO ANGRY, SO SAD, SO RESENTFUL.

When H left for his "bike ride" on Saturday around 7am, he said I'll see you this a.m. and said he wasn't going for a long ride. Then I didn't hear from him until almost 2pm. So I called a couple of times around noonish but didn't leave a message.

Later...ended up cooking dinner with S20 who was home from college while H went to the gym (even after a "45 mile bikeride") H is back in his full body shaving groove. Whatever.

On Sunday....H verbalized what I was thinking. He said...."You're not happy when I'm not here....and you're not happy when I am here". I actually thought those same thoughts that morning. I apologized and said that I was just hormonal and feeling sad that D17 was gone and blah blah blah.

I realized that H is seeing me now as this depressed (which I now believe I am) woman. This is the excuse the OW gave for leaving her then H (apparently he was dealing with depression). Do you think that they have ANY CLUE at all that cheating on a spouse is maybe THE WORST pain that can be inflicted on a person? I don't think they get it. I was never depressed before living with a CHEATER. It takes its toll.

So...on Sunday when we were watching the Charger game, H pulled out his laptop and was surfing and surfing the internet (couldn't see) but I finally asked "so are you shopping for something?" (this was after at least an hour or more on the internet). H said "no, just checking IKEA for kitchen cabinets...my prospective client is considering using them". I said "REALLY!!!!" Knowing that the client that he is bidding a job for would NEVER go for IKEA cabinetry. COME ON!!!! But OW would. I would imagine that as a college administrator she would be on a tight budget. I believe he was researching all that time for cabinets for his OW and her groovy new house.

At that moment,I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! I JUST BOLTED FROM THE ROOM. Passive aggressive I suppose. H doesn't KNOW that I KNOW that he is helping OW with her house. Most likely "their" future house together. That's when he made the comment about me not being happy when he's there and when he's not.

Then I feel guilty....sad...SO TIRED OF THIS!!!

So, plan for the week is to try to get it together. DB coach, and meds. seriously.

a.