GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

Wow, this is all really helpful. I will follow up on the masculine/feminine energy info too.

I have put a lot of thought into "what I want." The eharmony profile sort of forced me to do that. I basically said that I was looking for someone who was generally "at peace" with himself and who had a good rel. with himself, but who also knew that people can always keep growing in new ways. This is how I see myself--and I said that--and I also said that I thought we needed to really know how to achieve happiness as single people in order to be able to be equal partners in a relationship, that to me, the best rel. would be one where there are two individuals, with some similar interests but perhaps not ALL similar interests, who want to share the best of who they are with another person and who are curious about learning new things.

I do get that being single a long time is normal, and that it's not the end of the world. I wish I knew more long-term single people in my area. They just don't seem to exist. So I guess what this all comes down to is jealousy.

I am jealous of every person I see who is with someone and who seems to take it for granted. I'm sure I was once one of those people.

I know a total of 2 single people outside this message board. TWO. And I know hundreds of people. One of those single people is a guy who has 4 friends with benefits...so he's having regular intimacy with no ties with women he trusts. He seems quite happy. The other single person is the woman I mentioned above who is just an acquaintance who's been divorced many years and has horrifically low self-esteem. Everyone else I know at work or elsewhere is married, and for anywhere from 10 to 30 years.

Now obviously, some people in relationships are not in a great place. But I guess I tell myself that the fact that they are in a rel., for better or worse, means that they have a chance to be "better." I have nothing in that respect.

I also know that I have a lot to offer a mate...especially with the changes I've made, and the men that were part of my XH's and my friend network for 20 years always said I the wife that "everyone wished they could have because I was so cool."

This sounds so arrogant, and I do not mean it to be. You have to understand that I am told by everyone who knows me how awesome I am. This was how it was long before XH left. I've got loads of college girls who have "crushes" on me, for lack of a better word, because they think of me as this amazing role model who SO has her stuff together.

There is no shortage of people--mainly female-- telling me I'm a catch. But when it comes down to it, men are not treating me that way. Not one man I have met has ever expressed that he was attracted to me except for my XH. NOT ONE.

This makes me wonder if everyone is blowing smoke up my you know what ;-)

God I so hope I don't come off as whiny. It is not my intention. I just really am stuck on this stuff lately. This is why I spent so long thinking I had to stand and wait for my XH to see the light...because he was the only one ever attracted to me.

It unnerves me so much to think that I can have so many accomplishments and have done so many things for myself and for other people and yet be hung up on this...to think that somehow I am less of a person because no man wants me. I hate that it gets to me and that I can't control these feelings.

What can I say? I feel very wanted as a sister, a daughter, a friend, a confidant, and a mentor. I feel entirely unwanted as a potential romantic partner. Why I am letting that last part trump the rest is beyond me.

I am literally fearful for how bad this will all hit me when my book is done. I think my book distracts me for the most part now. I actually have been fleshing out ideas for the next article/book now...just because I'm worried that when I finish with this project, there will be a total void, and I don't want to live with that.