untethering

[aeolianchaos]

Now to reply to the goodhearted people who contributed to the earlier thread:

Val: In an odd way, I don't feel much hurt or pain. I think my feelings could be described best as disappointment.. sadness.. a little disturbed by how poorly I saw who she was for so long. I would like it if she would simply show up as a person and make it clear who she really is. At least do this thing with some honesty and integrity.. that's my thinking on it.

She dodges anything that confronts what she is doing and what it says about the kinds of things she is okay with. Normal behavior, but it isn't good for growing up as a human being. She says "oh it isn't that simple" or "it isn't black and white" even as she insists that this divorce is happening and she doesn't love me at all. Her insistence on these facts is remarkable, but her dismissal of my vision as nothing more than a plea indicates how strongly she is holding on to some narrative in her head.

I don't really feel much about the not loving me part .. love isn't like a blood type or herpes.. its a choice (esp after nearly a decade) and it isn't as constant as we all like to believe when we marry someone.

Of course it would be nice if she recognized my many changes but I didn't make them for her: I made them to bring my idea of a better life into reality a little bit more. I am fine with knowing that I changed and it will be her loss if she can't acknowledge that.

Finah: Good to hear from you, man. I was wondering where you had been.

At this point, she is on her own. We will have some communication I'm sure, as the D moves ahead. But, I don't particularly like who she is choosing to be and I don't respect it either.

I'm sure she will run into herself eventually on life's terms. It may not be for a long time and probably won't be something I ever know about.

She wants to live in the delusion that she can simply start over, or have a fresh start. To me that is pure fiction.

I don't know if I'd even have an interest in Reconciliation. Too far out of the scope of future possibilities. On the other hand, the work she would do to have the courage to pursue that might make her somebody that I could respect a lot more than I do right now.

I'm not big on magical thinking, but it is interesting to me that I got woken up by someone who wanted to interview me for a job, a couple e-mails from other job prospects, another person contacting me about something I'm working on, and I had a pleasant dream last night. In some ways it feels like a real burden has been lifted off of me.

I was reading a book on advertising the other day, and there was a quote that stood out as hilarious, gross, and true: "If you have to eat a turd, don't nibble" I figure that I can get the paperwork filed by mid november (our 108 month anniversary) and then by february or march or whatever, it will be done and I won't have to deal with it as something looming anymore.

At this point, my main question is should I let her know anything or just let the L manage the process and not bother with her?