At this point, it feels to me like separation anxiety; it only happens on the night exBF isn't here.
But it was happening before he ever left, so really, that can't be the explanation.
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she woke at 12:30 shrieking MOMMY!!!!!!! and then I tried to get her back down in her bed, and she was awake (tossing and turning and then just lying there with her eyes open)
Try taking her to the bathroom before you put her back down to sleep. My oldest had night terrors, if we took him to pee he'd go back down just fine.
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she was awake (tossing and turning and then just lying there with her eyes open) for an hour before I very very very reluctnatly brought her into bed with me at 2 am. She did the same (tossed, turned, and laid with her eyes open.)
So why bother to take her into your bed then? All that accomplishes is that YOU don't get any sleep either.