25yearmlc - thank you for your response and kindness. I will do my best to answer your questions.
I could have listened to her better over the years, I really did not respect or trust many of her decisions and so I would really hard sell my opinion of what is right to do or not do. Given that she was so fragile (now I see how much she was suffering emotionally in so many parts of her life)I wish I could have found a better way to get us to be at a place where we could have made better decisons as H&W. Whatever we could not resolve we both internalized for years. I wish I could have understood her better, that I somehow could have got past my own pain and perceptions to get to a place where we could have actually communicated. I wish I had understood her needs better. That all she really needed was the small things from me to be happy. While I fought to support the family, while I took on the world I missed in many cases opportunities to give her the little gifts that mean so much to her.
I realize that I have presented a laundry list of her past problems and that I did not mention any of her good qualities. I mentioned only the problems because I wanted to present the background for what bacame issues throughout our marriage, and what lead to todays WAW. I realize that I brought baggage. I brought an overwhelming urge to beat the world, to survive and provide for my family because of my familes divorce and subsequent poverty. My fear from childhood that anyone could make a choice that could doom your family unit and survival and you could have no say in it whatsoever, made it very tough for me to deal with my W's issues. I did feel powerless against it as you have pointed out.
I married my W because she has one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known, a heart and a giving nature that I saw as extraordinary. Also, we had the same desires for family, and a love for the world in much the same way. Yeah, I saw the issues between us right fron the start but I felt that love would get us over each issue. I thought that logic alone would tell her that something destructive would make no sense to continue, so the the only outcome would be to change it for the better. It had to happen because we would want to be happy, and have a successful loving family.
25yearsmlc - I am trying to as open as I can to your comments but what pattern am I missing? Go ahead and use the 2 * 4! I do want to work on what I can control. I'm afraid that my real problem is that I could not face the truth, that in my desire to have the W and family I always wanted I overlooked so much, which eventually came back to haunt me. I feel like if I really took a stand on the things that were tough for me I would have lost my W and family. I really let things go that should have been resolved and I did not have it in me to take a stand. In its place I became angry, I became focused on what I thought I could control, I continually verbalized what was tough and all of that contributed to negativity, and her unhappiness.
We did have a lot of greatness in our family as well. We love our kids to death and they were happy in many ways, we shared so many of the typical family things. My W and I shared a lot of common parts of our lives. There was fun, love and it kept it all going. We just did not have the tools and communication skills to do more than table our difficulties until it reached critical mass.
You asked whether I have succeeded in a 180 where her issue was that I did not allow her to speak, that I overwhelmed her with her with my force of opinion. I don't think I have until very recently been able to do that because the threat of our marriage ending made me even try harder, in my way. But, I think I have finally got it and have been successful of late. I'm now trying to figure out how we can meet somewhere in the middle in communicating, but right now she only wants to be heard when she wants to speak. She has asked that when she talks I just listen and don't talk, but instead take some time with what she has said.
Okay, so I have written a laundry list of what I saw her as doing to harm the marriage. I do see that in my handling of the problems I was very critical, and made her feel lonely. What I don't understand is how I could have comunicated better with her, without alienating her? If I began approaching each issue with an open heart and mind and that did not stop what was harmful, if I could not talk it through, nor let it go without the problems continuing what could I have done better? I used to be so patient. I used to listen for hours and would have done anything to show her her fears were unfounded. I did not want to end up speaking to her so strongly. Please note that I was not verbally abusive. I did not call her names. I was however, desperate to solve the issues because if I didn't they were killing me, and killing our family's chance of survival. What can I do better?
You ask me why I say I'm as sad as humanly possible. How that cannot be self evident to you? There isn't one bit of love or affection from her, there's the EA, there's her walking away in almost every manner. There's my sons being abandoned too. There's such a feeling of the death of a M and family. I'm here willing to do my part to improve and asking for anyone with insight to pls tell me what they think I could be better at. It might be said to believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, but that is so tough to do.
Okay, so am working on myself and GAL. I am taking all of your advise to heart and putting into practice. I have always been taking care of my sons, showing my committment to the M, and doing my best to leave the path back to the family open. It's tough though. How do you do this when the WAS is having an emotional affair from within our house? I do not confront about it, and when my sons complain to me about it I explain to them that this is only a symptom and there is a much bigger picture their Mom is dealing with right now, and to be there for her when she needs us.
BTW I did read Five Love Languages. And I do see that I did not show love to my W in the way she needed (the small gifts as signs of love).
